When did your late bloomer bloom?

[Anonymous]

My very academically ahead DC has always been a bit behind socially. Never into the social scene of high school, is happy at home hanging out with younger sibling. I used to think it was because they are on the younger end of the class but that doesn’t make much of a difference when they’re teens anyway. When they started college a year ago I was hoping for them to ‘grow’ a bit (I was very similar and changed a ton once I left for college) but they haven’t. Made a couple of friends at school, but not regularly in touch with them over the summer, is dreading going back for sophomore year, etc. They did join a couple clubs at our encouragement but those didn’t pan out to much of anything. Grades were excellent, it’s just that I’m still seeing the same timid high schooler and it makes me sad. I know their experience won’t be the same as mine but do others have late bloomers that do eventually bloom?

[Anonymous]

How did you turn out? Do you as an adult spend most of your time at home hanging out with kids and spouse? While your kid may join a few things, do a few things, they may simply stay just as they are. There are students who go to college and continue to stay in their dorm room playing online games with people they used to game with while they were in high school. Their parents wonder what is the point of "going away" (20th century thinking) to college if kid is going to do exactly what they did while at home. This is the new "norm."

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would encourage them to be an orientation leader, peer advisor, or join Greek life - they need to find a tribe. Otherwise, the next few years will be exactly like the first - nothing really memorable. My brother was like this. He has a lifetime of regrets for not being pushed (by our mother) to join things. It's set him up to have fewer and more fraught friendships and relationships as an adult.

Sorry to be harsh - it doesn't just naturally happen. Sometimes you have to force yourself to do things outside your comfort zone. Life is set up for extroverts. You don't need to be one, but you do need to learn how to cope, meet people, socialize, and build an emotionally fulfilling life. It doesn't keep easily or without work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My very academically ahead DC has always been a bit behind socially. Never into the social scene of high school, is happy at home hanging out with younger sibling. I used to think it was because they are on the younger end of the class but that doesn’t make much of a difference when they’re teens anyway. When they started college a year ago I was hoping for them to ‘grow’ a bit (I was very similar and changed a ton once I left for college) but they haven’t. Made a couple of friends at school, but not regularly in touch with them over the summer, is dreading going back for sophomore year, etc. They did join a couple clubs at our encouragement but those didn’t pan out to much of anything. Grades were excellent, it’s just that I’m still seeing the same timid high schooler and it makes me sad. I know their experience won’t be the same as mine but do others have late bloomers that do eventually bloom?

What college? Rather than tearing you down, let's see if we can make constructive suggestions for your kid?
What are your kid's interests? The key is to get outside your dorm room or apartment for most of your waking hours.

[Anonymous]

You need to shift your thinking. You're wishing he's a dog when he's a cat. Maybe he's not a late bloomer, maybe that's his personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to shift your thinking. You're wishing he's a dog when he's a cat. Maybe he's not a late bloomer, maybe that's his personality.

Yes, but he is not happy and dreads returning. He gave it a go for a full year. If this was last spring, I would have suggested transfer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to shift your thinking. You're wishing he's a dog when he's a cat. Maybe he's not a late bloomer, maybe that's his personality.

Yes, but he is not happy and dreads returning. He gave it a go for a full year. If this was last spring, I would have suggested transfer.

What are his interests? Maybe he needs a smaller/intimate enviroment?

[Anonymous]

My late bloomer has ADHD and mild autism. He's about 5 years behind in terms of social skills and general functioning. So at 20, he's like his 15 year old sibling, which is why they get along so well.

We did social skills groups and tried to explain social mores to him when he was younger, and at this point, there isn't much else we can do. He's just not interested. He is doing a study abroad in the fall, and maybe that will help him with social skills - he will need to get out of himself to navigate and talk to people.

Hang in there, OP and kid.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

It's possible your kid just might not be socially adept, or a complete introvert?

My late bloomer joined a social association at college and made good friends. They matured second year in college, so 19. They were still quite emotionally immature at that point, but a breakup forced them to grow up fast.

Still, they like their alone time a lot. They also do like to socialize but not too much. DC is at an internship, and they they have been going out a lot with the other interns, and DC said one week that they wanted to just stay home. I'm like this, too. I like socializing but in small doses.

[Anonymous]

If possible, he can join a school club team sports team, any sport he finds even marginally interesting would do. Lots of benefits, team work, meeting new people, social events.

There is nothing to be sad about, that is outdated thinking. Alpha male type of thing is in the past. He can be himself while being successful.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. They’re at a large state school, and to those suggesting transferring, that isn’t the issue. I’m sure they would just be going through the motions no matter where they went. And trust me, we have had several talks with them both before starting freshman year and even this summer about going outside their comfort zone, etc. I don’t want to push so much that they resent us one day (opposite from the PP with their brother - parents can’t win) so I try to hold back sometimes as well.
I think I’m also having a hard time with it since I was exactly the same in high school and had a major shift once I left for college - to the point that I remember thinking back then that I grew up very sheltered. Looking back as an adult I realize that wasn’t true, it was more that my eyes ‘opened’ once I went to college. Definitely put myself out there, actively started making friends etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a homebody and all but I did bloom at that age. I’m not seeing any of this with DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My very academically ahead DC has always been a bit behind socially. Never into the social scene of high school, is happy at home hanging out with younger sibling. I used to think it was because they are on the younger end of the class but that doesn’t make much of a difference when they’re teens anyway. When they started college a year ago I was hoping for them to ‘grow’ a bit (I was very similar and changed a ton once I left for college) but they haven’t. Made a couple of friends at school, but not regularly in touch with them over the summer, is dreading going back for sophomore year, etc. They did join a couple clubs at our encouragement but those didn’t pan out to much of anything. Grades were excellent, it’s just that I’m still seeing the same timid high schooler and it makes me sad. I know their experience won’t be the same as mine but do others have late bloomers that do eventually bloom?

It seems like it’s important to dig into why DC is dreading returning. Does your DC find form life stressful? Feel pressure to socialize? Are they lonely? I think it would be really helpful to know more specifically what the issues are.

My DS was and is really social, but hated being in a dorm and spent all of freshman year sleeping no more than a couple of hours a night. He had severe anxiety and did therapy that helped with that, plus he moved to an off campus apartment.

[Anonymous]

My late bloomer brother (also one year younger than his grade since my parents put him into Kindergarten 1 year early) was exactly like this, but joined ROTC for the scholarship money and ended up finding his way to a career in military medicine. Not for everyone, but it made sense for him and gave him a sense of community and purpose. We are Asian American, UMD and have zero ties to military, so this was all new to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. They’re at a large state school, and to those suggesting transferring, that isn’t the issue. I’m sure they would just be going through the motions no matter where they went. And trust me, we have had several talks with them both before starting freshman year and even this summer about going outside their comfort zone, etc. I don’t want to push so much that they resent us one day (opposite from the PP with their brother - parents can’t win) so I try to hold back sometimes as well.
I think I’m also having a hard time with it since I was exactly the same in high school and had a major shift once I left for college - to the point that I remember thinking back then that I grew up very sheltered. Looking back as an adult, I realize that wasn’t true, it was more that my eyes ‘opened’ once I went to college. Definitely put myself out there, actively started making friends etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a homebody and all but I did bloom at that age. I’m not seeing any of this with DC.

He needs to find some people. His people. Sadly, they won't come to him. So, he either finds where they are, or he's okay with the status quo.
Have you helped him research student groups and activities? Maybe that would help him see what's possible?