Mom won’t stop bringing up sibling

[Anonymous]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my mom; no drama. Last year, I opened up to her about a longstanding pattern of hurtful behavior towards me by my brother and particularly my SIL. She appreciated me telling her and acknowledged my hurt feelings (she’s also had issues with SIL). I shared that for her sake, I would be cordial at family gatherings but beyond that want to be very low contact with them. She was sad but (I thought) understood.

However, since then, she constantly brings them up to me: telling me about what they’re doing, what their kids are doing, etc. I typically don’t respond or change the subject (‘that’s nice, anyways how was your trip?’) but it continues.

I don’t really want to hear about these people; they were hurtful to me and I don’t want a relationship or to spend brain power thinking about them. Am I overreacting? How can I nicely tell her to stop?

[Anonymous]

Mom, I’m not interested.

Repeat.

[Anonymous]

I’m more interested in you and your life. When was the last time you went to lunch with Sally?

[Anonymous]

That's a lot of drama You can't tell your mother what to say or what to think about. If you want to stop speaking to your mother as well, go right ahead, but she talks about them because they are important to her. Your hurt feelings don't change that

[Anonymous]

Just tell her she needs to drop it. Why on earth are you just listening to this?

[Anonymous]

It's a weird parent thing with some people. She forgot that you have a hard relationship but remembered that there is an emotional issue even if negative. So she tells you stuff because she thinks you are interested. My MIL does the same to her kids. Drove me nuts for the first years of our marriage where every conversation was about what my SIL did that week. And we have a perfectly good relationship with them. And then I overheard MIL on the phone to her daughter and it was a non stop monologue about my husband and me. She just does this as a way of making conversation. I prefer it over discussing people and her neighbors I have never met.

[Anonymous]

My parents fixate on the things I ask them not to discuss. For instance, I called my dad out on a racist joke once and now all he can talk about in front of me is race. He is either commenting on the racist things he's thinking but thinks he isn't supposed to say or on how I'm judgmental. I have kids old enough to understand so I still stop and correct racist things he says, but doing that makes him fixate even more. Good times.

I'd try just gently changing the subject so not to make it more of a focus. If I ask my parents not to discuss something it always turns into all they can talk about.

[Anonymous]

It's probably her anxiety/ worry over the negative relationship. She's fixating on it. Continue doing what you're doing - I think it will get better over time.

[Anonymous]

It’s her son, he’s a major part of her life, if you don’t want to talk to her stop calling, but you don’t get to dictate what other people find important in their lives. Entitled millennial.

[Anonymous]

Next time just cut the call or get up and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a weird parent thing with some people. She forgot that you have a hard relationship but remembered that there is an emotional issue even if negative. So she tells you stuff because she thinks you are interested. My MIL does the same to her kids. Drove me nuts for the first years of our marriage where every conversation was about what my SIL did that week. And we have a perfectly good relationship with them. And then I overheard MIL on the phone to her daughter and it was a non stop monologue about my husband and me. She just does this as a way of making conversation. I prefer it over discussing people and her neighbors I have never met.

Omg, not to derail but my MIL does this too. It’s never just ‘I went to lunch with my neighbor Darlene’, it’s ’I went to lunch with Darlene, she just moved here because she got divorced and her son lives here and just had a baby, he has an older son too who plays competitive soccer…” and so on. Then acts surprised when I don’t remember every detail about these random people I don’t care to hear about to begin with!! LOL.

[Anonymous]

I think as many parents get older, they become more controlling as they are imagining life after them. She may even feel responsible for the poor relationship. Regardless she wants to fix it.

At some point I learned there were some topics I needed to avoid or distract from for my own sanity. They are still fixations for my mother, but I try to avoid engaging. It's hard to realize that your parent is not just a neutral confidant, but she's not.

[Anonymous]

I think you should look at it a little from your mom's perspective too. She's probably pretty sad that her children dislike each other so much. Does it really bother you all that much to hear about your nieces and nephews? Can you maybe compromise with her that you won't discuss your brother and SIL but she can update you about the kids?

[Anonymous]

Nobody ever talks about their children, she must only do it to annoy you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a weird parent thing with some people. She forgot that you have a hard relationship but remembered that there is an emotional issue even if negative. So she tells you stuff because she thinks you are interested. My MIL does the same to her kids. Drove me nuts for the first years of our marriage where every conversation was about what my SIL did that week. And we have a perfectly good relationship with them. And then I overheard MIL on the phone to her daughter and it was a non stop monologue about my husband and me. She just does this as a way of making conversation. I prefer it over discussing people and her neighbors I have never met.

Omg, not to derail but my MIL does this too. It’s never just ‘I went to lunch with my neighbor Darlene’, it’s ’I went to lunch with Darlene, she just moved here because she got divorced and her son lives here and just had a baby, he has an older son too who plays competitive soccer…” and so on. Then acts surprised when I don’t remember every detail about these random people I don’t care to hear about to begin with!! LOL.

Can we have one thread where someone does not feel compelled to bring in her mother-in-law? OP is talking about her mother! This is her thread, not yours. Yes, you are in fact, derailing the thread.