Struggling with boundaries
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Anonymous
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I am the only surviving nonaddict in my family of origin (or 1st cousins). I have two siblings, both addicts, one of whom is desperately ill and caught in an endless cycle of alcoholism and rehab stays that has gone on for more than a decade now.
There is nothing I can do for her that I haven't already tried. I have had to pull WAY back from any and all contact to protect myself and my family (two young kids) from the chaos, stress, anguish, volatility, etc... It is heartbreaking. There is nothing I wish for more than for her return to health and sanity and a time when we could rebuild a relationship. But that isn't now, and I cannot be a resource for her when she is actively drinking and in chaos. But she keeps desperately pleading for me to be in touch. Repeated calls, tons of tears and heartbreaking outreach, messages about dire things that are happening for which she needs advice/support etc... I know from a decade plus of experience that these are just attempts to pull me in, and that often the things she alleges are happening aren't actually happening, or that her alleged sobriety isn't actually real. I can tell almost instantly from her voice and the level of maudlin speech, that she is actively drunk - even at 9 am on a weekday. And still it pulls at me. I hate not responding. I would hate being drawn in to her anguish - the impact of it on me is immediately felt and very negative. I have a therapist, I have connections w/ ACOA that are helpful, I have a strong marriage/good career/happy life and - as I said - a lifetime of experience in knowing that one cannot save people you love sheerly by loving them. But I am the oldest child, the one who was always positioned to take care of/be responsible for everyone else, so I still struggle w/ maintaining my boundaries even so. The whole thing is just so terribly sad. I guess I don't really have a question, maybe just needed to write this all out somewhere as a way of thinking it through. |
Anonymous
| This is all so common as you know. People who don't understand the research and professional recommendations may try to guilt trip here. The truth is what you are doing is correct-detach with love. Do not get sucked into being an enabler. Cheer on efforts to get better. Also remind yourself of what happens to people who don't have boundaries. It takes it's toll on their own emotional and/or physical health and it can impact their ability to be good parents/spouses/friends. You do this for you and for those you care about. You cannot go down with this ship and you cannot rescue anyone. |
Anonymous
Thank you for this. As you said, I do know all of this and still is really helpful to have someone else state it so clearly. Obviously you have experience in these trenches as well, I'm sorry for that. I very much appreciate the support. |
Anonymous
| Detach with love, break the cylce, and try EMDR |
Anonymous
| I am the outlier in a different way in my family, and am now the only one who can pass for normal. It's like two different worlds. No one in the family will ever approve or condone of how I chose to do many things differently. Many other people "just don't get it" just because the experience is foreign to them. To them I just answer questions in simple terms (I was raised by wolves is my go to) that cannot be argued with (e.g., "family is everything", "you'll be sorry when they die") But, sprinkled around, are people who get it. I wish you well. You are saving your little family from hurtful chaos. |
Anonymous
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You are doing the right thing, and your children deserve not to have that chaos around. You are breaking the cycle, and I commend you for it.
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