Daycare vs. Nanny — Looking for Advice for My 13-Month-Old with Separation Anxiety

[Anonymous]

I’m a working mom to a very social and curious 12-month-old girl. She loves people — at restaurants she’ll watch everyone walking by, and when she meets other toddlers, she’s the first to reach out and touch their hands. She’s super outgoing and loves interaction.

But… if mom or dad aren’t around, she cries. A lot.

My husband has been working from home full-time, and I recently started a new remote job myself. We hired a nanny to help, but unfortunately, our daughter cried nonstop all day, every day for two weeks. The nanny struggled to soothe her, couldn’t feed her properly, and didn’t take much initiative. So, we ended up doing all the caregiving ourselves while trying to work — it was exhausting. We eventually had to let the nanny go and are now looking again.

We’re wondering: Would daycare be a better fit?
On one hand, she really loves people and could be distracted and engaged by the group setting. On the other hand, her separation anxiety is intense, and I’m worried she’ll cry all day without us and struggle to adjust.

Would a daycare help her grow and adjust faster, or would a more skilled nanny be a better solution right now?
We’re also thinking that even if she cries at daycare, we might at least be able to focus on work more consistently. With a new nanny, we might need to go through a long adjustment period again where we still can’t get anything done.

Would love to hear your experiences — especially if your little one had strong separation anxiety too. What worked for you?

[Anonymous]

Separation anxiety is just a phase. Join a nannyshare hosted elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

in home daycare

[Anonymous]

if your child has true separation anxiety, a daycare will be a disaster.
The issue may have been the particular nanny.
You also need to consider your own behavior and reactions (and the nanny's reactions) to when the child cries etc.
It is probably confusing for your child to see you and/or know you are there/can pop in etc., since you are working at home.

My advice is to talk with the nanny in advance and say that you will be home but are behind the closed door etc. And then really don't come out. Time your lunchbreak etc. to when your child is sleeping or out at the park.
Talk to you child in advance to say "I am going to be at work. I will say good by to you, and you are going to spend time with XX. I love you, I hope you have fun, and I will see you later, after your nap (or whatever). We will spend time together later. Love you, kiss" and then go to do your work.
Tell the nanny to get your if the house is on fire or your child is having a real medical emergency.

[Anonymous]

It is very hard to nanny in a home with 2 wfh parents. I would do an in house daycare or a nanny share in someone else’s home so she still has a primary caregiver during the day.

[Anonymous]

my daughter took a job like this where the mom was home. it didn't work out. kid always wanted mommy in the next room.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any experience with nannies, but both my kids had some separation anxiety when they started daycare as young toddlers. They cried for the first couple days, but eventually they settled into the routine. Sometimes they still get clingy at drop off, but once I’m gone they have a pretty good time with the teachers and other children.

[Anonymous]

If you’re home you really need to disappear until the baby is comfortable with the nanny. I try to stay in my office as much as possible regardless of what I hear. The nanny should understand this dynamic and not coming running to you about everything. It sounds like you need some better equipped to handle it.

For what it’s worth it’s not always ideal having everyone in the house, regardless of how great your nanny is. I adore ours but a part of me is looking forward to transitioning my kids to daycare so I can leave my office freely without worrying about whether I’ll disrupt the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure this is really a nanny versus daycare question. It is really really hard to work from home while someone else is watching your child, especially if there are any problems at all. If you were only working from home part time I would think maybe you could get through this but it sounds like both of you wfh full time. Your child is only going to get better at finding you when she wants you. You won't enjoy having to hide in your own home. I'd pursue a different arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is still very young. She still needs to be in her own environment. Having a new caregiver is hard enough.

The key to success is both parents must stay out of view until the end of the day. You have to plan accordingly.

Also, plan to have the nanny shadow you for the first day. This is absolutely critical in your situation. You can do this on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Adding to those who say stick with a nanny but find a way to either have them or you not be there in the beginning. Either they go out or you do for a few weeks to a month. Then, you can be there, but have her never see or hear you. I mean never. The key is having her truly believe you are not an option. I did this in a small space (1 br apt), and made it work (I would crawl behind a couch to the bathroom when necessary).I disagree with pp who said she needs to be in her own space. She sounds like she loves seeing other kids and places and that might be a good distraction from the fact that she's not with mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Team daycare. Teachers will know how to handle the crying and socialization will help.

[Anonymous]

I would just get whatever childcare is best for you long term since this is going to just be a phase.

[Anonymous]

Whatever will be a better fit will be an environment where mom won’t appear because there is crying.

Sometimes you have to cold turkey these situations. By going into help or firing the nanny you just make it worse. Whatever you do next time will be even more difficult.

This is harsh but your kid isn’t that special. I say that because you went on about how she likes people. Babies cry. Yours is crying because she wants you and when she cries she has often been rewarded.

[Anonymous]

I would try finding another Nanny & see how things work out.
Maybe you need someone who either has more experience in this type of situation.

Also make sure you stay out of sight while working.