teen alienating teammates by perservating on perceived injustice

[Anonymous]

I have a teen who has ASD, level 1. He plays a sport with some really nice kids. last year, he was hyper focused on this new younger kid who "got his spot" on the team. In reality, no one has a spot and this boy was just better. My son was so angry at this kid, the coach, and vented to the one teammate who he is actually friends with. I told him that we could not go through another season where he was so negative and fixated on someone newer and better taking "his spot." Cue to the new season and I saw some texts with his one friend and my son was asking him he thought that ___(another new but younger and better player) would take his place. again, there is no place but there are a limit of elite players who play in the higher level games. His friend was kind but basically said to leave him alone with these questions and just do the work and practice. I gently brought it up with my son about this because he has no other friends other than those on his team and event those are tenuous.

It makes me very sad for him that he can't just enjoy this sport and is so fixated on what happened last year and is already focused on it happening this year. It also makes me sad that the one friend he has made who seems to actually like him is now getting irritated with him. I seriously can't go through another season where he is stressed out, not enjoying it and angry if someone who he thinks is undeserving does better than him. I honestly don't think his friendships with his teammates will survive him doing this again either. He seems to get no joy out of this but won't give it up.

I am really tempted to just tell him he can't do this sport anymore. It is stressing me out already and the real season hasn't even begun yet. He made his life miserable and our life miserable and he has no insight on why he was not selected for the higher team, or have a plan to get better. He just keeps saying that so and so took his spot and he really wasn't that much better and he can see it happening again with this other kid. I really really want to just pull the plug on this but it's his only interest and his only social outlet.

I just feel so sad for him but also just exhausted and stressed for myself. He is seeing a therapist which he just started with but reluctantly because, according to him, he doesn't need help. Any help or just commiseration would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Don't take away his sport. Tell him that if he spent the time practicing that he spends thinking about people being better than him, HE would get better.

[Anonymous]

Try not to respond much to when he talks about it.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone told him explicitly “New teammate is a (better hitter, faster runner, better shot, whatever). The evidence is (whatever). You can get better, but right now he has more skills.” If the coach hasn’t done that he might be willing to, especially if you explain why it is needed.

Your son can be upset, sad, frustrated, etc. but he should probably be able to recognize evidence of another athlete’s skills when they are presented clearly. That may not stop the perseveration or unhappiness, but at least he may be able to label it what it is: disappointment, sadness, etc. and not righteous anger.

I am also the mom of an athlete who finds myself taking on his emotions around his sport - feeling them more than he does himself, sometimes. I have sometimes wished he’d stop playing so I could feel less anxious. But the better course is to let the kid play and have the experience, even when it is rough, and create some distance for myself emotionally. You can tell him you won’t listen to complaints about the teammate, for example. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Unstuck On Target

[Anonymous]

Team sports are rough on asd kids but its also a great opportunity to learn social and life skills.
He needs to perservate on getting better so get him private training and get him to the gym.
Taking him out of the sport is the worst thing you can do but you do need to redirect him towards helping himself become competitive instead of complaining. There's a saying in sports, " no one cares. Work harder." That's true in all aspects of life. Let him learn it.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. thanks for the responses. My son is actually working pretty hard, but the sad fact is that he may not be as good as the other kids on the team despite all the practice. I’m more worried about the social aspect and alienating the only friends that he seems to have made. Also, he doesn’t seem to enjoy it when the main reason for joining was to be more social and less isolated it just seems so negative and not sure what to do about that. I did look at the unstuck and on target information and perhaps I can read up on that modality to help him.