What's couples therapy like?

[Anonymous]

How are couples therapy sessions structured? Did you start going to the therapist together or each see them separately first? Did things get worse before they got better?

[Anonymous]

Anyone?

[Anonymous]

I'm a couples counselor. I see the couple together for the first session, then I see each person separately for one session so each has a chance to share their feelings and perspective without worrying about how the other will react. All sessions after that are together for the most part.

Things do tend to get worse for awhile before they get better, but not always. It depends on what's happening in the relationship. If couples are avoiding conflict or otherwise not being open with each other, then yes, talking about their problems makes things feel worse for awhile. But they learn how to listen to each other, how to share their feelings without being critical of the other person, and how to work through conflict, and then it gets better.

With other couples, if there isn't a lot of conflict or built up resentment, they are often able to work toward gradually getting closer without that difficult period first.

I hope that helps. Contact a couple of therapists via Psychology Today who are in your area and ask them about their process. They should offer a free consult call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a couples counselor. I see the couple together for the first session, then I see each person separately for one session so each has a chance to share their feelings and perspective without worrying about how the other will react. All sessions after that are together for the most part.

Things do tend to get worse for awhile before they get better, but not always. It depends on what's happening in the relationship. If couples are avoiding conflict or otherwise not being open with each other, then yes, talking about their problems makes things feel worse for awhile. But they learn how to listen to each other, how to share their feelings without being critical of the other person, and how to work through conflict, and then it gets better.

With other couples, if there isn't a lot of conflict or built up resentment, they are often able to work toward gradually getting closer without that difficult period first.

I hope that helps. Contact a couple of therapists via Psychology Today who are in your area and ask them about their process. They should offer a free consult call.

Thank you I appreciate that. I'm looking at the budget. How many sessions do you find are typically useful? I'm hopeful in that we're both open to therapy and want to change the dynamic but I'm new to the therapy world and also scared it could worsen things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a couples counselor. I see the couple together for the first session, then I see each person separately for one session so each has a chance to share their feelings and perspective without worrying about how the other will react. All sessions after that are together for the most part.

Things do tend to get worse for awhile before they get better, but not always. It depends on what's happening in the relationship. If couples are avoiding conflict or otherwise not being open with each other, then yes, talking about their problems makes things feel worse for awhile. But they learn how to listen to each other, how to share their feelings without being critical of the other person, and how to work through conflict, and then it gets better.

With other couples, if there isn't a lot of conflict or built up resentment, they are often able to work toward gradually getting closer without that difficult period first.

I hope that helps. Contact a couple of therapists via Psychology Today who are in your area and ask them about their process. They should offer a free consult call.

Thank you I appreciate that. I'm looking at the budget. How many sessions do you find are typically useful? I'm hopeful in that we're both open to therapy and want to change the dynamic but I'm new to the therapy world and also scared it could worsen things.

I have seen clients for as few as 6-8 sessions who have seen improvement, but these are cases where the issues aren't longstanding or deep -- life transitions like having a baby, moving, etc.

I tell most couples to plan for 6-9 months, which is the average I find. Weekly is great but if people have budget issues, then I will definitely work with them to try to make it more affordable. Biweekly can be fine if you're willing to do homework in between sessions.

Also, look into what's covered by your insurance plan(s). Some plans will cover couple's therapy and some won't.

[Anonymous]

Mainly a waste of time.

Both people usually know what's wrong and if they don't, or are unwilling to solve it, a couple counselor isn't going to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the rest of my post if neither you nor spouse are contemplating separating. My post is only relevant for couples on the brink of splitting up.

Couples therapy won’t fix a broken marriage if either partner has one foot out the door. If either one is merely checking off a box, i.e., only agreeing to therapy so they can claim to have tried to save the marriage (We even tried therapy!), but they’re not willing to change anything or do any homework, there’s no saving the marriage. You have to have sincere buy in from both spouses. Be prepared for the possibility that therapy will confirm for one or both of you that divorce is the path forward. It’s sad, but this outcome doesn’t mean the counseling was useless; the clarity that the marriage is over has value, even if it’s not the desired outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mainly a waste of time.

Both people usually know what's wrong and if they don't, or are unwilling to solve it, a couple counselor isn't going to fix it.

Precisely.. as they’re all staying for the kids/money/lifestyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mainly a waste of time.

Both people usually know what's wrong and if they don't, or are unwilling to solve it, a couple counselor isn't going to fix it.

I disagree with this. We went and found it helpful. Our therapist used the Gottman and it really did improve our marriage. It opened up the lines of communication and we each had to work on our own issues (for him it was avoidance of conflict so going along with anything) and for me it was learning to use less statements like “you always” and focus more on I statements. It gave us good insight, however we were on the brink of divorce.

I don’t think it will fix couples who are really broken and have already mentally called it quits. I do think it will help if both people are committed to making it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mainly a waste of time.

Both people usually know what's wrong and if they don't, or are unwilling to solve it, a couple counselor isn't going to fix it.

I think you overestimate the amount of self reflection most people (especially men) do.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a big fan of couples therapy.

I’m a huge fan of individual therapy.

The problem with therapy is the job of the therapist is to keep you guys together, even when you guys should not be together.

Is there cheating, abuse, addiction?

If so, do not do couples therapy. Do individual therapy for a while.

Then it might be good to come together and try to do a few couples therapy questions, but really to work on specific things. Are there money issues, communication issues, are you disagreeing about how to raise the kids?

I think they can help you with specific things, but not overall.

[Anonymous]

When my husband and I got married 15 years ago we started fighting a lot and went to couples therapy. The therapist told us we had no business being married to each other. We walked out thinking “f*** that” and have had a very happy marriage, great kids, etc in the years since. So in that sense couples therapy did help us.