How to approach things with chronically depressed friend
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Anonymous
| My lifelong friend has been battling depression for a few years on and off. This summer things have taken a turn and Ive noticed things like bathing and grooming are becoming an issue. This is a very smart, educated, funny, financially secure woman. I KNOW its the depression but I want to help her without offending her. I dont want her to push me away but it does seem like the lack of self care is tumbling into even worse depression bc of some awkward social situations. She is on meds, she is under medical care, but its just getting worse. I love her deeply and feel very helpless. Has anyone had a friend who’s depression takes this route? |
Anonymous
| If she's that depressed, it's great that she's going out or inviting you over at all. I would not push anything that is not a health or safety issue. |
Anonymous
+10000 Don’t try to fix her. She’s your friend, not your project. |
Anonymous
| I'm deeply depressed. I force myself to shower once a week when I have to see people I know (office day). |
Anonymous
I feel this. |
Anonymous
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Aww, I am so sorry that your friend is suffering like this.
A huge side effect of being severely depressed is most certainly a lack of bathing + grooming…even something as basic as brushing one’s teeth every day can feel like drudgery. 💔 Perhaps you can encourage her to speak w/her M.D. about her current medication - - she sounds like she needs her meds readjusted or maybe an add-on antidepressant is warranted. As for bathing > it may be tough for her to maintain a clean regimen when she is feeling so low, but if she has nice, luxurious scented bath items it may make her actually look forward to hopping in the bathtub. Perhaps some scented & moisturizing bubble bath/shower gel/bath salts/body scrub/body lotion/etc. She may also enjoy a scented candle to accompany her baths. Hope this helps….. You are a wonderful gem of a friend OP! 
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Anonymous
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No, don’t give her scented bath products. That’s a terrible suggestion.
The hygiene issues are not THE issue. They are just a sign of how depressed she is. Don’t worry about her hygiene. See if she will let you visit or go out to lunch with you or text with you — if she’s able to connect with people, it might help keep her from getting more Depressed. |
Anonymous
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A dear friend suffered with debilitating depression.
It wasn’t until she was forced to return home to live with her parents that she finally began to find a way to deal with her illness. Specifically: her mother (who very likely suffered with the same illness without the benefit (?) of medication) sat her down and told her she needed to establish a daily routine otherwise she wouldn’t make it in life. Her mother basically enforced the routine which included showering, hair and makeup, getting dressed, exercising (walking), working, and grocery shopping and preparing meals. Her mother basically said if you can’t function by doing these basic things, then you won’t make it…reminding her that her parents won’t be there forever to take care of her, so it was her responsibility to find a way to live her life. It took several months of challenges to establish the routine and get her on track, but it worked. This was probably what saved her in terms of being able to (finally) sustain employment. People who are allowed to check out of life and daily responsibilities tend to fare worse in the long run. Lots of these people end up living on the streets. I forgot to mention that her parents helped her kick her daily wine habit which very likely played a role in her worsening depression. Also: having her mother observe her closely helped with landing on the right medication (and less of it). I realize the op can’t fix her friend, but pretending she isn’t falling into an abyss seems both unhelpful and uncaring. “It’s the depression” isn’t a helpful response. Labeling people with a diagnosis that seemingly allows them to stop functioning is dangerous and cruel. |
Anonymous
3 hard facts in a row, PP. 1) don't let your depressed friends check out of life/isolate. It only feeds the depression. It's very "swamps of sadness" but it's true: you can't let the isolation win. Once you've disconnected from the "real world" it's so much easier for the depression to overpower you. 2) if you're depressed, you need to immediately discontinue all drugs/intoxicants except those prescribed to you by someone who knows you're depressed. You can't use antidepressants and drink/smoke weed/eat gummies and expect decent results. All mind- and mood-altering substances impact your neurotransmitters. Before you go adding chemistry to try to adjust your neurotransmitters, you need to stop blowing out your neurotransmitters with intoxicants. 3) Having a "patient advocate" is critically important to most people dealing with mental health issues. When your foot is hurting, your brain can be trusted to process medical instructions, ask good questions, follow-up as needed... When your brain is hurting, you can't necessarily trust it to make good calls about your health, ask good questions about meds and interactions, or even report accurately on what's going on. If your friend trusts you enough to let you get involved, going with them to their initial intake with psych can be incredibly helpful. |
Anonymous
| Op here. Thanks for the advice. I do feel that living alone is partly to blame for the advanced depression. She also has enough seniority at work to work from home indefinitely and truly has no reason to exit her home. She is divorced, child grown, and her dog died. It just was a tumble and I cant get her out of the pit. We have walked together every Thursday for decades and i dont want to ever risk losing this “check in” time so I tred lightly. I will mention i am happy to advocate for her in a medical setting and be her support system. One positive is she doesnt drink or smoke, never has. She doesnt have physical health issues outside of some minor prolapse issues thanks to aging. I truly love her like my family and she use to love to come to my family events (i have younger kids who still have bday parties and all that) and thats completely stopped. She just sends a card home with me. She use to love to bake and she hasnt in years etc. Just a very painful process. Thanks for all the insight! |
Anonymous
| Op you sound like a great friend! I wish I had someone like you! The walking sounds great. Gets her out of the house and she probably feels like she doesn't need to be dolled up for it or feel like she's on display. That I assume is why she doesn't want to attend parties. Maybe you could suggest similar very low key things, even things like grocery shopping together or going to. Costco. The types of things where you don't feel pressure to be on and look pretty or worry someone is going to see inside your house. I would feel much more anxious about meeting a friend for lunch than meeting up at a store to shop together, if that makes sense. |
Anonymous
When I went through a deep severe depression years ago, something basic as taking a daily shower seemed so insurmountable to me. Heck just the act of getting out of bed every morning seemed like a huge chore. I just didn’t have the desire to shower at all so what encouraged me to even turn on the water faucet was a bath set that I received from a caring friend in a care package. I had never used vanilla cashmere scented moisturizing body wash or lotion before and I was excited to smell like a cupcake! This is what ultimately worked for me though there are certain people who may not like scented bath products. When one is depressed, sometimes taking a shower can psychologically make a change in how one feels about themselves. It can be a significant first step towards getting back into one’s normal routine. |
Anonymous
Would she be helped by adopting a pet? Walking is good for depression and the companionship and love might help her? |
Anonymous
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Something I read many years ago--a study that found that doing things that involved mental stimulation were helpful for severe depression. I think the study used crossword puzzles, but I could see other kinds of puzzles working. It gave people a confidence boost as well as shifting attention from the depression itself.
I have a lifelong history with depression including two stretches, one a year, the other maybe 6-8 months, when it was very, very bad. I definitely think a dog would make sense for your friend, partly because of the emotional interaction but also the responsibility. A lot of research on parents with mental illness has found that for depression and anxiety adults who have children to be responsible function better than those who do not, because they have to. I understand this could be an iffy decision but from the sound of things I would bet she would rise to the occasion and it wouldn't be a risk for the animal. Or could you get her involved with some garden work? At your house or, if you belong to a church where the congregation pitches in with the landscaping (mine has both a garden where we raise food for food pantries and a lot of flower gardens)? |
Anonymous
| I agree that the daily routine is what helps me the most. |