Did you grow up with half or step siblings? Or are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Tell me about the dynamics- good and bad.

I'm divorced and have been seriously dating someone for just over a year (they're also divorced). We each have two kids, my G4 and G6, their B6 and B8. We both share 50/50 custody with our exes which has all been amicable and low drama thus far. Kids have all been in preventative therapy (idk what else to call it- we have them all in therapy since the divorces, but no actual issues have presented yet as far as behavioral, emotional, etc).

We are trying to figure out what a future should/could look like now. We are young-ish (mid 30s) and kids' needs always come first. We would love another baby at some point, but if that's likely detrimental to our kids, we wouldn't. To blend or not to blend is the question right now and I'd love to hear any of your experiences as a child or parent.

[Anonymous]

Really recommend not throwing a baby into the mix. I come from a yours, mine and ours family and while I love my baby brother, the dynamic was fraught. If you're going to blend, it can work, but I'd do it sooner rather than later.

As someone who has experienced this first hand, I also recommend really blending- house rules for everyone not you parenting yours and him parenting his. Comix money and everything into one solid household.

[Anonymous]

My half sister is 21 years younger than me. My dad told my step mom that they could have a baby but both of his had to be out of the house first. He never wanted us to have to share resources or attention. My brother, half sister, and I are all very close even though she is significantly younger than us.

My kids are the 2nd set of kids for my exDH. His kids were 2 (g) and 5 (b) when we started dating. The girls are 10 years apart and the boys are 13 years apart. All 4 kids are incredibly close. My now 18yr old spends significant time with her older sister and brother. If the big kids are attending a function or activity, the younger kids will happily attend just to spend time with the older kids.

When my kids were little and exDH had them for the weekend, we often did a lot of divide and conquer. exDH would spend Sat with the big kids and all 6 of us would do something on Sunday.

exDH was in his mid 30 when we had the younger kids. The agreement we made was that most of the financial support for the house and younger kids would be on me as he was still obligated to the older kids. We both continued to progress in our careers and now that we're in our 50s there is plenty of money to go around.

[Anonymous]

My parents never made me blend and I was grateful for it. In retrospect, the real reason was that my mom did not want to live with her partner's teen boys because of their drug usage. And of course her partner's lazy parenting was part of the problem.

If you blend, you're going to be face to face with his parenting style every day and you might find you don't like it. Any differences in parenting which right now feel minor or benign will be a much bigger deal to everyone. Financial issues, and how things go with your ex and his ex, can be a problem. Do you really want to have to coordinate and mesh all this stuff? Some relationships work better when people have more space.

I would not deprive your children of the peace of their home, and that's what happens when you move two more kids in. I understand you want this for yourself but there's just no way this is a good deal for your kids. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

My kids are technically half siblings, but have never called themselves that--and in fact would probably hold it against anyone for saying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never made me blend and I was grateful for it. In retrospect, the real reason was that my mom did not want to live with her partner's teen boys because of their drug usage. And of course her partner's lazy parenting was part of the problem.

If you blend, you're going to be face to face with his parenting style every day and you might find you don't like it. Any differences in parenting which right now feel minor or benign will be a much bigger deal to everyone. Financial issues, and how things go with your ex and his ex, can be a problem. Do you really want to have to coordinate and mesh all this stuff? Some relationships work better when people have more space.

I would not deprive your children of the peace of their home, and that's what happens when you move two more kids in. I understand you want this for yourself but there's just no way this is a good deal for your kids. Sorry.

That's going to happen if you have kids with him, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My half sister is 21 years younger than me. My dad told my step mom that they could have a baby but both of his had to be out of the house first. He never wanted us to have to share resources or attention. My brother, half sister, and I are all very close even though she is significantly younger than us.

My kids are the 2nd set of kids for my exDH. His kids were 2 (g) and 5 (b) when we started dating. The girls are 10 years apart and the boys are 13 years apart. All 4 kids are incredibly close. My now 18yr old spends significant time with her older sister and brother. If the big kids are attending a function or activity, the younger kids will happily attend just to spend time with the older kids.

When my kids were little and exDH had them for the weekend, we often did a lot of divide and conquer. exDH would spend Sat with the big kids and all 6 of us would do something on Sunday.

exDH was in his mid 30 when we had the younger kids. The agreement we made was that most of the financial support for the house and younger kids would be on me as he was still obligated to the older kids. We both continued to progress in our careers and now that we're in our 50s there is plenty of money to go around.

Lots of divorce in your family. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My half sister is 21 years younger than me. My dad told my step mom that they could have a baby but both of his had to be out of the house first. He never wanted us to have to share resources or attention. My brother, half sister, and I are all very close even though she is significantly younger than us.

My kids are the 2nd set of kids for my exDH. His kids were 2 (g) and 5 (b) when we started dating. The girls are 10 years apart and the boys are 13 years apart. All 4 kids are incredibly close. My now 18yr old spends significant time with her older sister and brother. If the big kids are attending a function or activity, the younger kids will happily attend just to spend time with the older kids.

When my kids were little and exDH had them for the weekend, we often did a lot of divide and conquer. exDH would spend Sat with the big kids and all 6 of us would do something on Sunday.

exDH was in his mid 30 when we had the younger kids. The agreement we made was that most of the financial support for the house and younger kids would be on me as he was still obligated to the older kids. We both continued to progress in our careers and now that we're in our 50s there is plenty of money to go around.

Lots of divorce in your family. Wow.

Thank you for your comment. May I ask what the purpose of it is? It sounds rather judgey. I am sure you did not mean it that way so I do want to ask what value you feel it added to the conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My half sister is 21 years younger than me. My dad told my step mom that they could have a baby but both of his had to be out of the house first. He never wanted us to have to share resources or attention. My brother, half sister, and I are all very close even though she is significantly younger than us.

My kids are the 2nd set of kids for my exDH. His kids were 2 (g) and 5 (b) when we started dating. The girls are 10 years apart and the boys are 13 years apart. All 4 kids are incredibly close. My now 18yr old spends significant time with her older sister and brother. If the big kids are attending a function or activity, the younger kids will happily attend just to spend time with the older kids.

When my kids were little and exDH had them for the weekend, we often did a lot of divide and conquer. exDH would spend Sat with the big kids and all 6 of us would do something on Sunday.

exDH was in his mid 30 when we had the younger kids. The agreement we made was that most of the financial support for the house and younger kids would be on me as he was still obligated to the older kids. We both continued to progress in our careers and now that we're in our 50s there is plenty of money to go around.

Lots of divorce in your family. Wow.

Thank you for your comment. May I ask what the purpose of it is? It sounds rather judgey. I am sure you did not mean it that way so I do want to ask what value you feel it added to the conversation?

It’s just a lot is all. I didn’t mean to sound judgy. I guess when you’re the child of divorce you don’t think all that much before getting divorced yourself. I mean, your parents were divorced, your ex-husband was divorced twice, and you yourself are divorce. And you also say you have these great careers that make plenty of money. Do you think there’s any correlation between all of that? Not judgey just curious. We just don’t have a lot of that going on in our family so I find it interesting.

[Anonymous]

"...our exes which has all been amicable and low drama thus far."

Key words here: thus far. His ex may very well change her attitude or yours may change.

In your case, there is a world of difference between being the nice woman daddy is dating versus "stepmother."

When you become stepmother let me assure you that no matter what you do, his ex-wife WILL have something to say about your treatment of the kids. And if won't always be positive. And she will drag your partner into it and make him take sides.

It is inherent that most women will resent another woman involved with raising her kids. Especially when that woman is not a direct relative AND is now involved with her former man.

Tread lightly, OP. If I were you I'd wait another year and then do a trial live-in arrangement if you can. If that goes well look at longer term but...

Do NOT get remarried. Keep your finances separate. Mixing up pots of money, including child support, would be a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Don't blend unless you do it immediately but quite frankly, doing it immediately also comes with complications.

We haven't blended yet (8yrs in). Kids were sufficiently in different stages in their lives for us to decide against it. I'll never know if this was the right decision but that's what we did/have done.

Too many second marriages fail and I strongly believe it's due to the stress of blending kids.

Once kids launch, we will reconsider.

[Anonymous]

OP here and I know PP isn't responding to me but it's interesting because I'm the opposite. There have been zero divorces in my family despite tons of infidelity, emotional abuse, likely physical abuse in older generations, alcoholics, etc. But they're all so proud to wear the "Not Divorced" badge of honor. I wanted to be the cycle breaker and show my kids that you don't have to stay with someone who devalues, disrespects, and through their actions and words discards you. They were all appalled at my choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I know PP isn't responding to me but it's interesting because I'm the opposite. There have been zero divorces in my family despite tons of infidelity, emotional abuse, likely physical abuse in older generations, alcoholics, etc. But they're all so proud to wear the "Not Divorced" badge of honor. I wanted to be the cycle breaker and show my kids that you don't have to stay with someone who devalues, disrespects, and through their actions and words discards you. They were all appalled at my choice.

I’m just saying it is a lot. And considering that 2/3 of second marriages also end in divorce, it’s a slippery slope. So tread carefully, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to slow way, way down. In her short life, your younger child has already experienced divorce, maybe moving, you starting to date, and now you want to impose another massive change on her, and massively increase the complexity and stress level of your life and her life. Slow down and give her time. Give yourself time.

It feels like you're trying to create the perfect family by pasting in a new dad. And while it might work that way for you, it doesn't work that way for them.

[Anonymous]

You need to do whats best for you and your family vs. what people say here. Remember you have to get all 4/5/6 to doctors, activities, school, etc and kids are in more stuff as teenagers. Plus, paying for college, etc. Can you resonably do all that and give each enough attention?