Did you grow up with half or step siblings? Or are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard, but I'm glad I had more than one kid (I had my first kid unplanned in my early twenties with the wrong person). The challenges are all noted by other posters, but I will add that I feel "solely" responsible for my firstborn, and it is sometimes lonely and a big weight. I'm the only one who funds their college account, signs them up for sports, talks to their teachers, arranges social activities, gets to know their friends' parents, etc. DH does a bit, but he's not fully invested (nor do I expect that from him). He can also be slightly petty and jealous when I spend time with my oldest, nothing big or major that I can even write about, but I feel it. It's not like this with our other kids. I overcompensate with my oldest because they don't have a fully involved, loving dad (or stepdad) like the younger kids. It's a challenging dynamic. I make the best of a tough situation.

It is hard if you have multiple kids and clearly play favorites.

[Anonymous]

Don’t get married for awhile. Keep separate houses for a few more years. Do NOT have a baby together. Just focus on your kids, then his kids, then the occasional time together. Make sure all kids get solo time with their parent without the bf/gf around. Make sure the kids don’t always have to be together on their weekends.

Basically: if it’s going well, just keep doing that for way longer than you think.

Maybe look for a duplex to buy and live next to each other eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t get married for awhile. Keep separate houses for a few more years. Do NOT have a baby together. Just focus on your kids, then his kids, then the occasional time together. Make sure all kids get solo time with their parent without the bf/gf around. Make sure the kids don’t always have to be together on their weekends.

Basically: if it’s going well, just keep doing that for way longer than you think.

Maybe look for a duplex to buy and live next to each other eventually.

Duplex is a great idea. The idea of taking on a new husband and his 2 boys sounds absolutely exhausting - if they're anything like my teen son, just no. Keep them, their messes, their appetites, their teen drama in a separate household. Also, I know you don't want to hear this, but inviting an unrelated man and his 2 unrelated boys into your home is asking for trouble for your daughters. Do you know how much sexual assault against young girls is perpetrated by a stepfather or stepsibling? It's a big, ugly number. Get your head out of the sand.

[Anonymous]

I cannot fathom forcing my 2 young kids to create a new family with 2 step siblings and possibly also a baby.

[Anonymous]

You seriously want to deal with two teen boys? While also raising your daughters and having a toddler? No, no, no. No way.

Little kids, little problems. You are in that stage so it seems doable. But big kids, big problems. And that means everything is harder. Getting along with the ex is harder. Managing daily life is harder. Money stuff is harder. Kids getting a long together is harder. Teens are great but when they are difficult they are DIFFICULT. You seem very naive and you need to slow down, stop making major life changes and just live for a while. Let your kids catch their breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to slow way, way down. In her short life, your younger child has already experienced divorce, maybe moving, you starting to date, and now you want to impose another massive change on her, and massively increase the complexity and stress level of your life and her life. Slow down and give her time. Give yourself time.

It feels like you're trying to create the perfect family by pasting in a new dad. And while it might work that way for you, it doesn't work that way for them.

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! x 1 million. So many parents
(divorced, married, etc.) need to look through their children’s eyes more (myself included & my kids are in their 20s). Please heed this advice, OP. I have several friends whose parents “blended” and they all have varying levels of challenges/trauma (in their 50s) from those experiences. Maybe make blending the *last* resort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 16, and my mom always says divorce is the gift that keeps on giving. On my dads side I have 2 younger step siblings that came into my life when I was 17, on my moms I have two step siblings that came into my life when I was 23. I also have one full biological brother. I love my step siblings, but all those relationships are complicated and hurt feelings pop up all the time.

Your mother sounds “interesting.” What the heck?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Half sister here (same mother different dad) and parts of my life were totally different than siblings.

I went to private school - siblings didn’t
I traveled the world - siblings didn’t
Supportive only child for father - siblings didn’t have that.

Just ughhh

But you exist. Are you glad for that? It sounds like you are the youngest?

This is correct. I do exist and am only and youngest child. Will say as a result, I knew blended-step families were not for me. Ever.

[Anonymous]

A big NO to another baby between you two. If that’s what you think will hold you together, you are WRONG.

[Anonymous]

Don’t add another baby. 4 kids is an already lot. Are you both wealthy?

[Anonymous]

Op here- I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and I'm trying not to have my head in the sand hence my post seeking honest experiences.

Money is not an issue for what it's worth.

[Anonymous]

How about this-- sit down by yourself and make a plan for the holidays that works for all three households, all extended families, and all the kids and their school schedules. Then, add in new partners for your and his exes if they don't already have them. Don't forgot to add stepkids for them too, and remember the step kids may come with another household and two extended families. And all of this must be at least partially agreed upon by all adults-- could be like 10+ people.

When you've done that exercise for the three households, ask yourself if this is how you want to live-- the planning it and the doing it. Because it's a nightmare and nobody is ever happy. And the kids' actual family time is significantly compromised because they're being forced to spend time with step-extended-family, relationships that are essentially fake, and the older they get, the more they will resist it and resent it. You have the right to date, you have the right to a relationship! But think very, very hard before embarking on this way of life. Because it is very, very hard.

[Anonymous]

My kids technically have step siblings but they’ve never met them, and want nothing to do with them. Assuming they will get along is foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Half sister here (same mother different dad) and parts of my life were totally different than siblings.

I went to private school - siblings didn’t
I traveled the world - siblings didn’t
Supportive only child for father - siblings didn’t have that.

Just ughhh

But you exist. Are you glad for that? It sounds like you are the youngest?

This is correct. I do exist and am only and youngest child. Will say as a result, I knew blended-step families were not for me. Ever.

Fair, but I hope you can focus on the better parts of your childhood. DH has older kids, and we have kids. I hope my kids remember all the family dinners, summers at the lake, winters skiing together, us always cheering for them at all their games, and don't focus on the complexities of a blended family. Every family has challenges. I agree with your takeaway and will try to find a way to tell my daughter to never, under any circumstances, date a man who has children. Never. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, certainly not my daugther. Most likely, I'll never have to say this because they witnessed my experience and wouldn't do that to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and I'm trying not to have my head in the sand hence my post seeking honest experiences.

Money is not an issue for what it's worth.

Money is always an issue, even if you make seven figures between yourselves, it's an issue. It might be easier if you have a bulletproof trust fund for you and your kids that can't be pierced as a result of a remarriage. College, graduate school, help with downpayment for first home, cars, weddings, estate planning, supporting grandkids and their 529 plans. There are so many issues; unless you have the trust mentioned above, you are still naive about what you are getting into, so take your time.