Slow paced kid also on purposely slow

[Anonymous]

DD12 is always doing everything slow since young, eating/drinking very slow, at 5 couldn’t drink 4 oz of milk from cup without taking 5-10 minutes, she threw up once when asked to drink faster. 2nd grade teacher claimed DD had piles of classwork couldn’t finish. 3rd grade was virtual and DD always missed one certain class daily to use restroom (45min ), and everyday she submitted homework at a later time, and teacher realized DD actually finished her homework the next day. DD gets even more slower every year, as there’s more homework it was 2-3 hours then it added to 5-6 hours until she could finally go to bed near midnight, which included 45 min to an hour restroom time sometimes more than once a day, an hour shower, eating takes hours to forever. We tried executive function and time management course but it couldn’t improve at all. I’ve also tried to say nothing and let her figure out but it still didn’t work. I can’t leave her to be late for school but or appointments otherwise I’ll have to drive her ( it’s not walking distance). A family of 4 plan everything around DD’s slowness, and usually the rest of us have to get up 1.5-2 hours, finished everything in 10-20 minutes, then wait for DD to finished in another 1-1.5 hour before we can step out ( usually when we go travel). Sigh. Now DD’s like getting tired of I complain and remind her about time, so she would just sit there without moving to the next task. I think DD is not only slow but also could be purposely slow, since when I pull her to do next task she would just smile as if she didn’t care. When it’s time to leave for her scheduled volunteer work, she would even think about change clothes or other unnecessary things other people won’t do. I always arrive every appointment 10-20 min early, but it’s extremely stressful with DD daily. I just can’t think of anything to help her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a disability.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. Our eldest is like this. Is it possible she has OCD which involves rituals? This is our child’s issue and is the root cause of why everything takes longer.

[Anonymous]

Find out how long homework should take and that’s how long she should be doing it. 5-6 hours is not realistic and undoable if you want her to have a normal life. Keep notes on how long she worked and what she could accomplish during those hours. The teachers will probably recommend testing for her.

[Anonymous]

You described things that don’t sound enjoyable and that she had to do out of obligation. Can she make it on time to things she wants to do? This is an important thing to notice.

My kid was like this and we always felt like we were nagging. He didn’t like school, didn’t want to go to the doctor or do the HW, yes, had ADHD and yes, we tried 1 million different things.

At 16 he got a job because he wanted to and miraculously, never was late to that or missed a shift. His maturity developed and he got better with the slowness for doing other things he didn’t want to do. I’d love to tell you we dont have to nag or put in place any of the things we have anymore but we still do.

Right now the slowness is kicking in on the not fun part of college apps.

I don’t know if your kid has ADHD or is just a procrastinator but it could be either or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a disability.

+1 This is not normal.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she has slow processing speed and/or significant time blindness. Have you ever had her evaluated for ADHD?

[Anonymous]

This is amazing. She should be in a reality show or have a TikTok channel. I want to see this in action. It sounds almost prophetic or religious in nature.

[Anonymous]

I swear I am not normally this person - but have you tried discipline? That's how you can *sometimes* tell if it's a disability or not. Take the phone away for a day for not listening to the schedule.

Also what happens if you say "No, Larla, you may not change your clothes right now, we are leaving." ?

[Anonymous]

What do you do when she says she wants to change clothes or seems like she's doing it on purpose?
What is taking her 45 min in the bathroom?
Has she actually been evaluated for anything? ADHD, A processing disorder, OCD and anxiety all come to mind. Some kids move slower than others and that's fine. But this is an extreme and it's going to have serious negative consequences as she gets older. 5-6 hrs to do homework at 12? Imagine what's going to happen in high school. You need professional help.

[Anonymous]

Is she pooping for 45 minutes?

[Anonymous]

I have a similar daughter and she is now 15.
We ended having 2 different full neuropsych exams done (one private, one at Children's) and each was pretty inconclusive and resulted in both psychologists saying "I'm calling it atypical ADHD because I'm not sure what else it is.")

What has helped is a ton of work with executive functioning and also direct parental involvement in keeping her on task with homework. She just finished 9th grade and I'd swing by her room every 30 minutes beginning at 7pm, "how's it going? Are you working on math now?" I have two older kids and never had to do this with them--they completely sealed-regulate their work. . Also, we did try giving her a stimulant. It seems to help a bit but hasn't been life changing. I really think her behaviors are just who she is more than anything. She's off the medication for summer and I'm not sure what we'll do next year. We'll figure it out with the doctor at the end of the summer.

Also, what is interesting with my daughter is that she's super social. She loves people
And they love her. So she's not some sort of odd ball (although it certainly sounds like it!). Her slowness hasn't held her back socially although it's driven US nuts as she's always running late to things and we're like: hurry up! You're going to miss the whole event!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I swear I am not normally this person - but have you tried discipline? That's how you can *sometimes* tell if it's a disability or not. Take the phone away for a day for not listening to the schedule.

Also what happens if you say "No, Larla, you may not change your clothes right now, we are leaving." ?

NP here to say the same thing. Have you tried consequences? This slowness seems extreme and somewhat deliberate. Look into ocd, but also—really dig deep to think if you might be enabling.

[Anonymous]

This is low processing speed with ADHD and autism. Kids who are inattentive will get distracted constantly, and kids who are anxious and perfectionist will tend to be careful in everything they do.

You absolutely need to pay for a full neuropsychological evaluation (Stixrud's is very good, ask for Dr. Henderson). Formal diagnoses will get her extended time accommodations in school, which will become essential for keeping up her grades. She may qualify for an IEP (my son did), or a 504 plan, and be eligible for a resource class in place of an elective, where she can catch up on work and get time management help from a teacher. She might also benefit from a social skills group to get her to be more flexible socially.

My son is like this. His processing speed was measured at the 4th percentile! When he was little, it would take him 10 whole minutes to tie his shoes! After school he would take all available time for homework. He could not stop himself from daydreaming. In high school, he went to bed after midnight and got up at 6am.

What helped:

1. Adderall, the most powerful stimulant for ADHD. While meds for ADHD aren't supposed to shorten processing speed, they do in practice because they reduce kids' tendencies to daydream and distract themselves.

2. Nagging, ie "executive unction coaching" by us, the parents. He needed multiple reminders to get up, get dressed, eat and go out the door, and after school, to do his homework, eat dinner, shower and get into bed. CONSTANT REDIRECTION for 18 years, OP. It was difficult for the family. We couldn't outsource it, because the most critical times were outside of business hours, in our own home. We had many arguments to try to get him to lessen his rigid thinking about everything.

And now, in college, our lives are much better. One, he has less work than in high school. Two, the work is to his liking, WHICH IS KEY TO HIS PRODUCTIVITY. People with this profile are capable of hyperfocus and also extreme rejection. High school in that regard was very difficult for my son, because he had a lot of required busywork he just didn't like. Now in college he takes only classes he likes.
And with maturity, I hope he will be able to better tolerate things he needs to do but doesn't like doing (like filing taxes).

[Anonymous]

Based on your recollection of your DD’s early childhood, it does sound like some sort of processing or sensory challenge.

However, it also sounds like there’s an avoidance aspect here. Are there ways to take away the natural rewards of the avoidance? Can you use kitchen timers around the house to encourage her to complete tasks in a reasonable timeframe?