How to talk to sibling about niece?

[Anonymous]

My brother and I have kids the same age (6, going into 1st grade) and see each other every 2-3 times per year since we don’t live super close. We just spent 2 weeks together and I am very concerned about his DD’s behavior, which has gotten progressively worse as she has gotten older. The biggest issue is her anxiety, which really seems to rule her life. She is glued to my SIL who can barely be out of sight or she freaks out. She is a huge rule follower and is worried about everything. She constantly asks questions over and over about crazy topics (ex - how do you know when you will die, what are all the ways you can die when you’re young, etc).

I have tried to broach this with my brother and SIL in the past but they think it’s all in the range of normal and she is just a more anxious kid. I said that may be true but it couldn’t help to have her meet with a psychiatrist just to give the poor kid some coping strategies. But they haven’t done anything and don’t want to engage.

A couple days ago we ran into a friend of mine who is a speech pathologist and she texted me after to ask if my niece is on the spectrum. I told her “no” and she seemed genuinely surprised given how she was acting.

I truly feel for this kid who is clearly struggling and seems to need some help, but don’t know how to bring this up with my brother or SIL again.

So, do I bring this up again, and if so, any recommendations on how to do it most effectively and positively?

[Anonymous]

Are you sure they are oblivious?

If my sibling that I only see twice a year raised questions about my ND kid I’d brush them off too. I don’t need really need an outsiders viewpoint nor do I owe them a detailed explanation of what is happening with my child consider I want to respect my kids privacy.

I’m not trying to be mean, but I think if you’ve said something once, you really don’t need to say something a second time.

[Anonymous]

You don't.

[Anonymous]

Say nothing. They have all the same information as you about her behavior. They also presumably get reports from her teachers. You've tried to broach it before and they weren't receptive. Nothing good will come from you raising it again.

[Anonymous]

A variation of this is posted all the time. No, you've already said your piece. They don't want to discuss it with you. Stop bringing it up. Stop gossiping about her behind her back. I find it so weird when someone asks someone if someone else has a medical condition. I work in the healthcare field and I can't imagine texting a friend "does your niece have CP? Thought I recognized some of the signs based on her appearance and how she was acting".

They may be getting help or trying to figure it out but have absolutely zero desire to talk to you about it so are blowing you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have tried to broach this with my brother and SIL in the past but they think it’s all in the range of normal and she is just a more anxious kid. I said that may be true but it couldn’t help to have her meet with a psychiatrist just to give the poor kid some coping strategies. But they haven’t done anything and don’t want to engage.

OP, six year olds don't just pick up a few tips from a psychiatrist and move on. The best anxiety-coping strategies are taught through parenting courses such as SPACE (you can look it up). Implementing SPACE techniques is pretty challenging for parents; it requires re-thinking pretty much every interaction they have with their child. So you wasted a conversation with your bro and SIL on bad advice. And you didn't convince them that their child's anxiety isn't within the normal range either. You came on too strong. No wonder they are backing away.

[Anonymous]

It’s very possible she has a therapist and/or psychiatrist and they are keeping it private. Don’t push and don’t compare to your NT child.

Mom of two anxious young adults (one of whom is on the spectrum).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very possible she has a therapist and/or psychiatrist and they are keeping it private. Don’t push and don’t compare to your NT child.

Mom of two anxious young adults (one of whom is on the spectrum).

This is OP. I know for sure that she does not. Our cousin is her after school caregiver/nanny (and has also pointed out to my brother/SIL that she is very anxious) and would likely be the one taking her to appts.

[Anonymous]

You already DID talk to them. You're finished. Let it go. They get to parent the way they want to. You can't control that.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, OP, you have to wait for the behaviors to get even worse before they'll be willing to seek professional help. If you come on too strong, you will push further into denial. I've witnessed that in action.

Ultimately it's useless to scare them with diagnoses like autism, even if that's what she may have. What she needs is anxiety management, and you can gently remind her parents to address that with a professional and read up on the topic... but it's going to be an uphill battle, even if they're both engaged and motivated. I'm a 45 year old anxious mother with two anxious kids, one of whom is on the spectrum. It's a lifelong condition and it needs to be managed. This family will realize this at some point.

[Anonymous]

I am you fifteen years in the future, op! It turns out my niece did have significant anxiety and was probably negatively affected by my bil being reluctant to pursue evaluation or treatment til niece was an early teen

(I broached her it very, very delicately with my sister when niece was 5 or 6. It was because I broached it so gently that I was privy to the years long process of bil agreeing to get a diagnosis and treatment. If I had been overbearing I don’t know I would have heard a thing and nor would they have been open to any help.)

Now the kids are about to graduate college. My niece does have some significant anxiety struggles and likely always will but is doing way, way better than I worried she would be. I think being extremely diplomatic and sensitive to overstepping was the best way to handle this (although of course I wish she had gotten help sooner.) I am glad I said something, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already DID talk to them. You're finished. Let it go. They get to parent the way they want to. You can't control that.

+1

We can all argue and debate whether you should say something but you already did! Is your question seriously "should I continue to hound them until they listen to me?" No!

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe for one second that you ran into a friend who is an SLP and she texted you to ask if your niece is on the spectrum. You are trying to involve yourself in things that aren’t your business. This is a child you see three times per year. Butt out.

[Anonymous]

You’re not close which is evident by the fact that you don’t see each other that often. Because you aren’t close your opinion doesn’t seem to be valued so you repeating this already ignored opinion won’t do anything.

[Anonymous]

Ok, thanks all. Got the message and won’t say anything else about it. My goal is not to get my niece a diagnosis, it’s to get her some help after experiencing her behavior for a couple weeks and feeling bad for her daily struggles.

And re: my friend the SLP, she only made the comment after seeing my sister try to negotiate with my niece and deal with an epic meltdown she had when we ran into her. My friend was coming from a place of sympathy assuming my niece was on the spectrum. I don’t necessarily think she is (not sure it matters either way) but it opened my eyes even more that outsiders see my niece for just 20 mins and think her behavior is abnormal.