Lonely husband pressuring son to be his "buddy"

[Anonymous]

Husband and I haven't been getting along for years now. We have decided to stay together for the kids so we essentially cohabitate and support the kids. For some reason my husband never made friends easily. He's done a ton of volunteering in his life but still can't seem to get any friendships going with other men. I have a few friends but their husbands don't know my husband. So now my husband is lonely and trying desperately to fill his free time with various volunteer activities or begging son to hang out with him at times. He had just joined a volunteer group. Usually young people join these type of groups through our place of worship hoping to find prospective marital partners. I tried to tell him that. He went anyway. It turned out to be predominately 20-25 year olds. He's 60. I think he was embarrassed because he came home after he realized that. Tonight the family had plans at a big event at our place of worship. My college aged son wanted to drive around by himself afterwards to catch the fireworks before midnight. We just wanted to go home. My husband was literally begging to tag along with him because he wanted to see the fireworks too. My son said he just wanted to go driving by himself tonight.

My husband has always exhibited emotionally immature behavior. At a Boyscouts event at a pool, he and a bunch of 10 year old boys pushed the troop leader into the pool with his clothes on. My husband was the only adult involved in this prank. He ran a business rather inefficiently because he was too scared to fire low productivity employees. I offered to be office manager to help the business but he refused my help, saying I would just be a "mean" boss. I encouraged him to hire a business consultant to correct some inefficiencies. The business consultant told him that he is too timid with staff and needed to fire some people. The business consultant also gave him a personality test which apparently exposed that he also has a "retaliatory" type of personality. When he feels people are critical of him, he retaliates with mockery, taunting, sarcasm. These are things our family already knew.

I don't really understand what my husband's issue is but he's starting to pressure my son a lot to help fill his lonely time after work and on weekends. My son doesn't like hanging out with him alone but doesn't know how to get this across politely. There seems no way to do it politely. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Half of what you wrote has nothing to do with your son. Figure out new reasons to find fault with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Half of what you wrote has nothing to do with your son. Figure out new reasons to find fault with your husband.

The faults are already listed in examples to provide a bigger picture of what he's like. I can't do anything to change the way he is. But my son is looking for a way out of this situation. If you can't figure out some advice to give, just don't respond. Very simple.

[Anonymous]

Phil Dunphy parody post!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your kids are young adults. Why not get a divorce now?

[Anonymous]

If your DH has so much free time, give him a chore list.

[Anonymous]

1). Tell you dh straight up to back off your son.
2) your son lied about going to fireworks.
3) unless you enjoy the quality of life your dh's income provides, you should divorce.

[Anonymous]

1. Your collede age son was not going to fireworks.

2. your college age son is ault enough to be in college and do whatever he was out doing last night he;s old enough to tell dad to piss off. It's no longer your responsibility to manage their relationship with dad.


3. It's time to divorce, as it sounds like your kids are no longer small. though I feel like staying together was less about the kids and more about maintaining appearance at your place of worship- which wtf says that you can say temple, mosque, church etc.

4. I usually hate when posters say this but it sounds like your husband probably has ADHE and/or autism

[Anonymous]

TBH, since you've accepted you are in a dead marriage then why not encourage your DH to find a mistress?

Seriously. Let him go out and find a female pal who will shower him with attention. It's a win-win for all of you.

[Anonymous]

This is no way to live. Divorce or separate. Your son is driving age. Kids will be fine.

[Anonymous]

You stayed together ‘for the kids’ but subjected your kids to the energy and environment of a loveless marriage and your obvious contempt for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stayed together ‘for the kids’ but subjected your kids to the energy and environment of a loveless marriage and your obvious contempt for your husband.

Yeah OP isn't exactly an award winning parent either. Dad was conflict avoidant and immature, sounds like college aged son is turning out just the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your kids are young adults. Why not get a divorce now?

+1

[Anonymous]

If you stay married your son will either find ways to be more assertive, or he will start avoiding both of you because he doesn't want to be around his dad. But if you divorce your husband might become even needier towards your son, so I'm not necessarily recommending that.

The most helpful response might be to assist your husband in finding appropriate activities. He joined the wrong thing at church, but surely there must be some sort of older men's ministry or retreat he could be a part of? If you are not sure, reach out to church clergy and ask. Also, there are probably lots of places to volunteer. If there isn't one for men specifically maybe you could do it together the first few times and then you fade out. Obviously, counseling for your husband might be helpful, but I'm guessing he won't be interested in that.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like he might have ADHD to me. And probably the RSD that often accompanies it (google).

He sounds lot like my own DH. Meds and treatment help. I could’ve written the business story about my own.