Supporting a friend through tragedy

[Anonymous]

A friend in my circle of moms has suffered a very sudden and unimaginable tragedy a couple weeks ago. She is asking people not to call, text, or come by to visit as she wants to be left alone (with family) and does not want sympathy/pity/support.

I totally get it but doing absolutely nothing feels wrong. Would you do anything in this situation or give it time and they revisit later? I know people always say your real friends show up and I don’t want her to think that I am not. Just not sure what to do.

[Anonymous]

I would mail a card and send a Doordash gift card.

[Anonymous]

Send a card and or/food. Something that she can look at on her own schedule -- don't try to contact her in real time.

--
Someone who has experienced tragedy, and didn't want to converse with most people, but very much appreciated letters and cards and still read them

[Anonymous]

I’d just send a plain-ish card(not a sympathy card) saying, “I’m here if you need me” and leave it at that. The only reason I’d add another sentence is if there’s something very obvious and practical you can do to help and you feel very sure she’d be pleased for you to do it. Like cover carpool or something.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming she lost a child. I would deposit a card and flowers write that I am thinking of her every day.

[Anonymous]

Honor what she wants. I would be annoyed if you sent me a crappy Door Dash gc or even worse, food that you made. She plainly and clearly stated what she wants you to do. The least you can do is honor that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honor what she wants. I would be annoyed if you sent me a crappy Door Dash gc or even worse, food that you made. She plainly and clearly stated what she wants you to do. The least you can do is honor that.

This. A thousand times this. She’s processing the shock. She can’t deal with anything else, not even your thoughts and prayers.

I was just diagnosed with cancer. I’m still waiting for more info but I’ve told exactly 2 people because I cannot handle even dealing with people’s sympathy.

Give her the time and space she has asked for. Follow her lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honor what she wants. I would be annoyed if you sent me a crappy Door Dash gc or even worse, food that you made. She plainly and clearly stated what she wants you to do. The least you can do is honor that.

I think its a nice thing to do. I don't like door dash but in this situaiton seems appropiate.

[Anonymous]

Who died?

[Anonymous]

My DH still has recovered from his dad's passing and it's been 2 years. They were very close spoke at least once a day. His dad passed away at 90. The first 2 months DH shutdown from everyone. But throughout the told me he appreciate my support and not to take his withdrawal personally. Everyone goes through grief differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend in my circle of moms has suffered a very sudden and unimaginable tragedy a couple weeks ago. She is asking people not to call, text, or come by to visit as she wants to be left alone (with family) and does not want sympathy/pity/support.

I totally get it but doing absolutely nothing feels wrong. Would you do anything in this situation or give it time and they revisit later? I know people always say your real friends show up and I don’t want her to think that I am not. Just not sure what to do.

If she can deal with her emotions around this tragedy, you can deal with your discomfort about how she has asked you to respond. I would do nothing right now, and maybe occasionally check in with the mom circle to see if anyone knows if her needs/wants have changed.

[Anonymous]

If she is a close friend, I’d send a card (and like PP said, not a sympathy card, just something simple) and say, “I love you and I’m here for you.” If she’s a “mom friend, I’d honor her wishes. I do think sending a heartfelt card is okay, because she can read it on her own time (but avoid things like, “I cent imagine what you’re going through” and keep it dimple, because she’s made it clear she doesn’t want pity or sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos ^^

[Anonymous]

It’s not about you or your friends. Please respect her wishes.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s not about you OP. But she is ready, she will come out if her shell but just let her heal. There is nothing you can do to make her feel better at this juncture.