Supporting a friend through tragedy

[Anonymous]

*When

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would mail a card and send a Doordash gift card.

Mail a card. Do not send a Doordash gift card. A close family friend lost their only (adult) child recently in a tragic accident. It has been horrific. It took 2 months before they wanted to even think about talking to anyone outside the immediate family/lawyers/police. I think the best thing to do is mail a card and then reach out by text in another 4-6 weeks saying you are thinking of them and ask then if there's anything you can do to help, but only if it's a close friend. If the bereaved family are only people in your circle and not very close friends, don't ask if you can do anything to help. Let someone who is closer to them spread the word if they need something.

[Anonymous]

We had a tragedy like this in my family. I really did not want to see anyone at all. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Still don’t and it has been about 12.5 years.

But I do remember the random people on the fringe who sent letters and small gifts. They were all kind of stupid, but I remember the gesture.

Like my mom’s cousin’s husband from flyover country who I had met once before (random right?) sent me two books on a grief and a letter. I did not actually read the letter or the books, but I will never forget that he did that. I didn’t really even know him.

[Anonymous]

My good friend’s partner recently had a catastrophic stroke. This couple is like bonus grandparents to my kids. I don’t want to overwhelm my friend but at first we all wrote notes and I had the kids draw pictures that we texted for my friend to read to his partner because it wasn’t clear how much longer (if at all) she’d be able to hear / understand the notes. We then waited two weeks and mailed another card. My younger daughter wrote basically “I learned how to draw this animal and wanted to show you” and my older daughter wrote “I really enjoyed pizza today and playing soccer in the park. I wish I could have played with you.” We’re trying to stay out of the way but also show support. Not sure if we’re doing what’s best, but that’s what we can do for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH still has recovered from his dad's passing and it's been 2 years. They were very close spoke at least once a day. His dad passed away at 90. The first 2 months DH shutdown from everyone. But throughout the told me he appreciate my support and not to take his withdrawal personally. Everyone goes through grief differently.

That's your husband, though. OP is a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a tragedy like this in my family. I really did not want to see anyone at all. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Still don’t and it has been about 12.5 years.

But I do remember the random people on the fringe who sent letters and small gifts. They were all kind of stupid, but I remember the gesture.

Like my mom’s cousin’s husband from flyover country who I had met once before (random right?) sent me two books on a grief and a letter. I did not actually read the letter or the books, but I will never forget that he did that. I didn’t really even know him.

He probably had his own experience with grief.

[Anonymous]

Respect the boundaries. Send a card or note. You could even send a heartfelt email. My friend suffered a tragedy and people fid not respect the boundaries. We had to approach several people and tell them to back off. Don’t be one of those people.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t do anything, OP. Honor her wishes!! If you send her anything you are being selfish and doing it for yourself and peace of mind - to make yourself feel better/helpful.

It’s rather ironic. You’re wondering and asking strangers what to do when you were has asked you to do nothing. If she is remotely like the average person on this site, she’ll be wondering and bothered about if/how she should respond when she gets a text or card or small gift in the mail. Don’t put her through this. She has enough on her mind.

It’s small to you, but A text or email is a lot to deal with at this time. Because it’s not 1 text for her. She’s still getting lots of spam and legitimate texts from appointments and family at this time. On top of that, imagine if every fringe “mom friend” sent her a small text’.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, you have a good heart.
My advice- she's on edge and trying to cope. Sympathy will break her down. Give her space and quietly NOTE THE DAY OF THE TRAGEDY. She will appreciate it in 2,3 years time.

Then, when everyone has left and forgotten in a few months and she reaches out, then you can do everything and anything for her. Others will have moved on or are feeling strange dealing with her grief and will avoid her. You be there then.

And send her flowers on the anniversary in the future. It feels bleak and hopeless to have that reminder each year when everyone is living life normally and you can't scream at the void "life is not normal today!" - show her in the future that no, life is not normal that day.

[Anonymous]

The only problem with sending a card is that, in my experience, people say awful things in cards. If she’s telling you she can’t tolerate hearing the things people say, then I think you need to say nothing. I think a gift card for food, with no note, is nice.

[Anonymous]

This is hard because everyone is different.
But one thing I know- this is not about you and making you feel better.
I know people wanted to be kind but it was physically painful to me to even open cards and read what people wrote, much less open the door to accept a casserole or brownies and endure people chit chatting about my grief.
Wait a month or so, and see if you get any guidance from her close friends about what to do.

[Anonymous]

Respect what your friend shared.
The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, you have a good heart.
My advice- she's on edge and trying to cope. Sympathy will break her down. Give her space and quietly NOTE THE DAY OF THE TRAGEDY. She will appreciate it in 2,3 years time.

Then, when everyone has left and forgotten in a few months and she reaches out, then you can do everything and anything for her. Others will have moved on or are feeling strange dealing with her grief and will avoid her. You be there then.

And send her flowers on the anniversary in the future. It feels bleak and hopeless to have that reminder each year when everyone is living life normally and you can't scream at the void "life is not normal today!" - show her in the future that no, life is not normal that day.

Lovely. Do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend in my circle of moms has suffered a very sudden and unimaginable tragedy a couple weeks ago. She is asking people not to call, text, or come by to visit as she wants to be left alone (with family) and does not want sympathy/pity/support.

I totally get it but doing absolutely nothing feels wrong. Would you do anything in this situation or give it time and they revisit later? I know people always say your real friends show up and I don’t want her to think that I am not. Just not sure what to do.

There is your answer? Respect the boundaries she advised you of.

[Anonymous]

I would respect her wishes


If there's going to be a funeral or memorial service find out through the grapevine and attend that.