Infidelity Trauma: Mind Movies

[Anonymous]

I found out that while I was away, my husband slept with a mutual friend. I am not super close with her but we have hung out a few times in group settings. She is an ex-fiance of a close friend of my husband's. I discovered this as he was acting cold/distant when I got back from my trip and I looked through his phone to find that he was bragging to his other friend about his conquest and how wonderful it was. What makes it worse is that this happened in the house of our mutual friends and it sounds like they encouraged/organized it.

My world is spinning and I can't sleep or eat or stop crying. The collusion, the betrayal, the humiliation.

Worst of all I can't stop getting intrusive thoughts about them having sex. How he touched her and kissed her, how she reacted, what did he think? what did they talk about?

How can I survive and get over this?

[Anonymous]

Start here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

[Anonymous]

Quietly and quickly you lawyer up. You do not even consider "forgetting this" or forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quietly and quickly you lawyer up. You do not even consider "forgetting this" or forgiving.

I have a consultation on Monday and have been apartment hunting. I have not confronted him and will not until I am leaving.

[Anonymous]

Be prepared for him to blame YOU for his cheating. They go through insane mental gymnastics to justify their behavior. My ex husband tried to explain his cheating by saying that it was my fault because I didn’t watch enough TV with our kids. I’m not even kidding.

[Anonymous]

Well first off the humiliation is theirs alone, not yours.

[Anonymous]

lean on your friends and relatives.

[Anonymous]

Therapy stat. I asked a friend to post on our local FB group asking for recommendations for therapists and I found a great one pretty quickly. If you can afford therapy 2-3 a week right now do it. Friends and family are good in the immediate aftermath but, quite honestly, most of them don't want to hear about it after a few weeks. You need to get a handle on your finances and you need to talk to a lawyer. Do you have kids? Take things one day at a time. Download a mediation app - I like Insight Timer and there were a couple of good meditations on infidelity that I found helpful. Journal. I came to realize that the affair was a symptom of much, much bigger problems and I have diminished the importance of the AP. Post here for support, but know that you'll get dragged by some people. You will get through this and you are stronger than you know right now.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I am beginning to think my husband was bad mouthing me to his friends. I understand venting to people about being unhappy or what have you. But their solution was to help him have sex with a mutual friend and...cheat on me? And they all planned and organized this together?

WTF? WTF?

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a nightmare.
I am so sorry you're going through this; it sucks.
My ex cheated with his secretary and tried to blame me and justify his behavior.
He wanted a divorce, but was too chicken to admit it (he had a child from a previous marriage and wanted to avoid a second marriage bloodbath), he knew I would tolerate infidelity. I cannot imagine if others knew about it or encouraged it, that is despicable.
Find a lawyer, plan your next move. Buy some gift cards when you grocery shop if money is an issue to have a bit of a buffer. Do not show your hand until you're ready.

Good luck, it does get better on the other side.

[Anonymous]

I hate to tell you this OP, but he's done it before. Any guy who is bragging about his conquests that he's had while his wife is away is a repeat offender. And also a complete disgusting creep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am beginning to think my husband was bad mouthing me to his friends. I understand venting to people about being unhappy or what have you. But their solution was to help him have sex with a mutual friend and...cheat on me? And they all planned and organized this together?

WTF? WTF?

start reading up on narcissistic abuse. Badmouthing is textbook behavior. Ugh. There is a path through the darkness but you will find it. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Op were you not having regular sex with him or are you fat? Not excusing his behavior but any of those could have contributed to his behavior

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have been having issues yes but we have not talked about divorce. My husband has been checked out the last few months, and I have been giving him space.

We have a very active sex life. I am objectively better looking than this other woman. I can't look at her face its disgusting to me now!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op were you not having regular sex with him or are you fat? Not excusing his behavior but any of those could have contributed to his behavior

Shut up. None of this is OP’s fault.