Teen girl social issues

[Anonymous]

I’m think my daughter, 13, has some social communication issues. In groups she is reasonably liked but I noticed she’s much of a follower in both behavior and words. She adds to conversations well, always knows just what to say, speaks in context just fine…but she can’t seem to initiate conversations. She says she just can’t think of much to talk about. Other girls will talk about whatever pops into their mind, whether it’s to say “Oh I wonder if Amazon sells cars” or “I wish I could travel to Ireland, wonder what its like” and this starts a whole imaginative conversation that often times ends with humor. My daughter said she can’t come up anything to say. I have to admit. Are shows the same difficulty with decision making for the most benign things too such as ordering takeout or trying to find an outfit to wear. It’s s this social anxiety or a neurological issue?

What can I do to help her with this? She’s complaining that she isn’t making friends.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wish there was an edit button! Sorry for the typos! 😁

[Anonymous]

One of the most helpful social tips I was given was from my older cousin's then-boyfriend (now husband) who told me each morning while getting ready, come up with three different things to discuss with random people.

So like, today it would be:
1. Diddy guilt on two counts
2. The gov't built a huge holding pen in like two weeks, but why can't we built for homeless people?
3. My oven is broken and I'm trying to cook around it (then talk about things that can be cooked without an oven).

So for a kid it could be:
1. Diddy - same topic
2. What camps are you going to this summer?
3. Did you get any of the TJ's mini tote bags? What color? (then they can talk about which colors they want, who has, who'd be willing to switch, etc.).
4. Ginny & Georgia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most helpful social tips I was given was from my older cousin's then-boyfriend (now husband) who told me each morning while getting ready, come up with three different things to discuss with random people.

So like, today it would be:
1. Diddy guilt on two counts
2. The gov't built a huge holding pen in like two weeks, but why can't we built for homeless people?
3. My oven is broken and I'm trying to cook around it (then talk about things that can be cooked without an oven).

So for a kid it could be:
1. Diddy - same topic
2. What camps are you going to this summer?
3. Did you get any of the TJ's mini tote bags? What color? (then they can talk about which colors they want, who has, who'd be willing to switch, etc.).
4. Ginny & Georgia

NP—I gave my daughter this advice too but I think the issue was more that she struggled to figure out the timing of how to introduce a new topic/throw out a question. You can’t just randomly blurt out “what summer camps are you doing to” out of nowhere without it sounding weird. The thing that helped her was doing activities with the other girls because then they had common activities to get the conversations going. And then once they had that they were able to establish shared interests that then became topics of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Does she exhibit any forms of rigidity, compulsions, fascinations with a certain topic, food aversions?

[Anonymous]

Neurological issue? Seriously? Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

could be social anxiety could be something else but if she's not stressing about it and seems ok well..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she exhibit any forms of rigidity, compulsions, fascinations with a certain topic, food aversions?

This is referring to ASD

[Anonymous]

These seems in the range of normal for 13 year olds. Their social skills are all over the place as is their self-confidence in group settings. I think the idea of identifying topics is a good idea. If she's willing you can do a little role play and allow her to try out some conversations starters on you. This has helped my daughter when dealing with some tough social situations. But as long as she's able to participate in conversations (even if she didn't start it) I think she's doing fine.

[Anonymous]

come up with three different things to discuss with random people

Maybe this is more common than I realized. Our neighbors are like this. I don't like it. They read that something happened to someone somewhere. That's what they bring up.

[Anonymous]

posted the above too soon

Maybe this is more common than I realized. Our neighbors are like this. I don't like it. They read that something happened to someone somewhere. That's what they discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most helpful social tips I was given was from my older cousin's then-boyfriend (now husband) who told me each morning while getting ready, come up with three different things to discuss with random people.

So like, today it would be:
1. Diddy guilt on two counts
2. The gov't built a huge holding pen in like two weeks, but why can't we built for homeless people?
3. My oven is broken and I'm trying to cook around it (then talk about things that can be cooked without an oven).

So for a kid it could be:
1. Diddy - same topic
2. What camps are you going to this summer?
3. Did you get any of the TJ's mini tote bags? What color? (then they can talk about which colors they want, who has, who'd be willing to switch, etc.).
4. Ginny & Georgia

This all seems bizarre to me and would seem to highlight one’s social awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she exhibit any forms of rigidity, compulsions, fascinations with a certain topic, food aversions?

This is referring to ASD

HF ASD is very difficult to diagnose in girls and it’s not unusual for them to be diagnosed in their teens since that’s when it’s harder to “mask” social situations. Up until that point many girls are able to engage in “copy and paste“ behavior, sort of mimicking what their friends are doing in social situations. But as kids mature and conversations expand, social situations can become more difficult. Typically, it’s the social situations that become the tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she exhibit any forms of rigidity, compulsions, fascinations with a certain topic, food aversions?

Not at all. I have another child that does but she doesn't at all. Never has. She's the most neurotypical child you'll ever meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most helpful social tips I was given was from my older cousin's then-boyfriend (now husband) who told me each morning while getting ready, come up with three different things to discuss with random people.

So like, today it would be:
1. Diddy guilt on two counts
2. The gov't built a huge holding pen in like two weeks, but why can't we built for homeless people?
3. My oven is broken and I'm trying to cook around it (then talk about things that can be cooked without an oven).

So for a kid it could be:
1. Diddy - same topic
2. What camps are you going to this summer?
3. Did you get any of the TJ's mini tote bags? What color? (then they can talk about which colors they want, who has, who'd be willing to switch, etc.).
4. Ginny & Georgia

This all seems bizarre to me and would seem to highlight one’s social awkwardness.

OP here. I get this is helpful to engage. But I think my daughter wants things to not be so "set up" or "contrived." She wants to be able to bring up topics naturally. So she wants to know why she has difficulty with this when other girls don't.