DH is wild

[Anonymous]

My DH of one year is a wild man. I knew this when I met him. We dated for 2.5 years then got married. Most days I am on cloud 9 with DH. But he does have a wild side that rubs me the wrong way. I try to take him as he is, but it can sometimes be hard.

For example, he is very extroverted. People love him and he makes friends everywhere he goes. When we are apart he might say he’s going to do something that takes an hour then doesn’t come back for 4 hours because along the way he made a million friends.

He also likes to party like he’s 21. I’m shy and don’t enjoy it so he goes with friends without me sometimes. He will party super hard then crash on his friends couch and not come home until the next day. This happens a couple of times a year.

If you love a wild man/woman what helps you to not get frustrated with their wild side?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't describe that as "wild" on its own. Can you provide more examples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't describe that as "wild" on its own. Can you provide more examples?

OP here. It’s just that he generally has a go with the flow live in the moment attitude. He also has ADHD which I assume contributes. He’s also very stubborn and generally feels entitled to do as he pleases often.

I think not coming home after going out is a problem. We are married. I don’t mind that he has fun, but he shouldn’t over do things to the point that he’s not coming home until the next morning and not calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't describe that as "wild" on its own. Can you provide more examples?

OP here. It’s just that he generally has a go with the flow live in the moment attitude. He also has ADHD which I assume contributes. He’s also very stubborn and generally feels entitled to do as he pleases often.

I think not coming home after going out is a problem. We are married. I don’t mind that he has fun, but he shouldn’t over do things to the point that he’s not coming home until the next morning and not calling.

I agree it's not the best but you describe this as "a couple times a year". Could you just ask him to text when he's safe?

I think A) not exaggerating the behavior (this is more extroversion, not "wild") and B) finding reasonable asks that don’t involve him giving up who he is (asking for safety verification instead of asking him not to go out) are important.

[Anonymous]

Being married doesn’t mean you can’t spend the night at a friends house. You knew what he was like when you married him. That is who he is and who you married.

[Anonymous]

If you plan to have kids the two of you are going to struggle hard.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like has hyperactive ADHD, OP. Look up the symptoms and see if it fits. It comes with impulsivity, no sense of time, and some emotional immaturity. It can also lead to difficulties controlling emotions, particularly anger. People with ADHD self-medicate more often than the rest of population with alcohol or drugs.

Just giving you a heads-up. It's genetically inscribed, so any children you have may be born with the same traits. They are more difficult to parent than kids without ADHD.

[Anonymous]

So he's an overgrown boy with no sense of responsibility and a thinning sense of basic decency? Nah, this shit isn't cute after, like, 25, tops.

If you don't have kids, don't have kids. He's still very much a child himself. If you do, yikes. Honestly? I'd divorce him. Ignore the nutters who will say it's your fault for being a "wallflower" or whatever other nonsense. Needing to pass out on someone else's couch is a college thing. If you're still doing that as an adult, more than maybe once every 3-4 years, you either have a substance use problem or just feel a sense of entitlement that doesn't fit with being a partner. Not a good look either way.

He can go out for his birthday, get white boy wasted and crash with his bestie (and that way, it's not a surprise to you). Anything more than that is indulgent to the point of ridiculousness, and if he's not willing to dial it back, well, there's the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have asked for verification that he is safe or just to give me a heads up he’s not coming home so I’m not waiting up for him. He often doesn’t do that. For instance, last night he went out at 7pm to a party. I called around 2:30am to see if he was coming home. He said he was dropping his friend off and then would be home. He didn’t get home til 9am, and said he got drunk and slept on friends couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you plan to have kids the two of you are going to struggle hard.

My thoughts exactly.

[Anonymous]

How old are you both? I’m an introvert and couldn’t handle someone like this, but I purposely wouldn’t marry someone like that lol. I dunno, unless you’re very young he sounds really immature. Do you want to have kids? Doesn’t sound like he’s ready to settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like has hyperactive ADHD, OP. Look up the symptoms and see if it fits. It comes with impulsivity, no sense of time, and some emotional immaturity. It can also lead to difficulties controlling emotions, particularly anger. People with ADHD self-medicate more often than the rest of population with alcohol or drugs.

Just giving you a heads-up. It's genetically inscribed, so any children you have may be born with the same traits. They are more difficult to parent than kids without ADHD.

AuDHD here and this sounds like a cop-out. If you have a disorder or disability, you also have a responsibility to learn how to manage it. So while, yes, we do often "self-medicate" more than most, it's not like that's a secret to any of us. If you're not doing something about it, you're choosing to be an irresponsible jerk and blame your "disease" or whatever, which is nonsense. Plenty of people with ADHD manage to not get wasted to the point of needing to pass out on someone else's couch multiple times a year. If you're an adult and still doing that mess, it's a choice, not an oops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have asked for verification that he is safe or just to give me a heads up he’s not coming home so I’m not waiting up for him. He often doesn’t do that. For instance, last night he went out at 7pm to a party. I called around 2:30am to see if he was coming home. He said he was dropping his friend off and then would be home. He didn’t get home til 9am, and said he got drunk and slept on friends couch.

So he drove drunk? Or he "dropped a friend off" and got wasted at the friend's house?

OP, you sound gullible AF. If he can't be trusted to behave responsibly and check in when requested, he needs a damned airtag so you can babysit his manbaby ass. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't describe that as "wild" on its own. Can you provide more examples?

OP here. It’s just that he generally has a go with the flow live in the moment attitude. He also has ADHD which I assume contributes. He’s also very stubborn and generally feels entitled to do as he pleases often.

I think not coming home after going out is a problem. We are married. I don’t mind that he has fun, but he shouldn’t over do things to the point that he’s not coming home until the next morning and not calling.

Yikes. Why’d he bother getting married?

How can you say he only gets drunk and non communicative once a year when you have so many examples of him already doing this? Sounds like it’s way more often. Is he an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like an absolutely horrible setting to have kids OP. How is he at managing basic household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning? finances? does he have a steady work history?

If you ask him something reasonable about anything domestic (like “could you please get the tires changed this week”) does he do it or does he get mad because you are “nagging”?

If you ask him to do a non-preferred activity (say visiting your grandma) does he do it happily?

If you get reasonably mad at something “wild” he does (eg not letting you know if he is going to stay out very late, or getting so hungover he cannot participate in something important to you that you planned) how does he react?

I have an in-law who is “wild” like this and his ONLY saving grace is that he found high level professional success in a field that is unlikely to fire him (though he has come very close to pushing even those very lax boundaries). Even so, his marriage has fallen apart.