Why would anyone do this?

[Anonymous]

Is this a new trend? A generational thing?

I just heard from yet another new grandparent that their daughter gave birth recently (within last few days) but hasn’t shared the name yet (just the gender) and hasn’t decided when they will allow the grandparents to see the baby/visit. No pictures yet either (because they don’t want anyone having pics to distribute).

FTR, this isn’t a family with strained relationships. I know both the grandparent and the new parents. It seems like a bizarre control issue that is uncharacteristic of what I’ve observed heretofore, which prompts me to wonder if this is some new thing moms are reading in new age parenting books or blogs?

So weird.

It has definitely changed my opinion of the new mom (who by all measures is a highly educated and accomplished woman). And I feel sorry for the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

baby's not going anywhere. chill

[Anonymous]

1) Name: Some religions wait to announce the name of a baby.

2) Perhaps the grandparents are not vaccinated or taking appropriate safety measures.

3) Maybe the daughter is afraid the grandparents will post the photos on social media?

[Anonymous]

I would guess that the relationship is actually slightly strained and you don’t know about it. Or they get along fine but the new grandparents are boundary pushers or oversharers.

[Anonymous]

Yeah it’s a little off putting, but you don’t know the dynamics of the other family. I had a lot of post Partum anxiety with my first and neither my mom nor my in laws helped to improve it, quite the opposite actually.

[Anonymous]

My cousin didn’t announce the name of her son for about a week. They couldn’t agree on it. No big deal. They picked a shirty name but he’s a great kid anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that the relationship is actually slightly strained and you don’t know about it. Or they get along fine but the new grandparents are boundary pushers or oversharers.

+1 we see plenty of posts here of grandparents posting kids' pix on social media etc after they are asked not to, or when parents are not doing the same.

I would assume there is some mistrust in the relationship or behaviors they don't want to deal with during the immediate/postpartum phase.

[Anonymous]

You don't know what is going on internally with that family. You have one version of the story from the person who is on the receiving end of those decisions.

My mom, who can be a lovely person, was an absolute nightmare when I had a baby. I didn't lock her out of the process but in retrospect it probably would have been highly beneficial to my well being. She became obsessive about my baby's name, would interrogate me every time we spoke about what we were going to name the baby, would call me at random hours to warn me off of certain names. She became depressed and would complain to me about her depression and wanted me to act as her therapist, in my third trimester and immediately postpartum. She came to visit after the baby was born (at my invitation) and she moped around the house, asking to hold the baby and not wanting to give her back when I said I needed to feed her, expecting to be fed and entertained (I was mere days postpartum at this point), sharing weird stories from her own childbirth experiences that were upsetting or disconcerting (like a story about what an ugly baby I was, for instance).

If you met my mom, you'd never believe this had happened. You would assume I'm exaggerating and that I was just being an oversensitive, hormonal new mom. But it's what happened. My dad became worried about her and would call me to say he thought she might self-harm. My husband wound up cooking for her and tending to her while he was on paternity leave because she demanded it and I physically could not. It was crazy. I think me having a baby triggered some kind of buried trauma for my mom and she had like a psychotic break.

After that initial visit, I wound up distancing from her for several months because it was too much for me. I developed PPD, saw a therapist, and needed space to adjust to motherhood and find a support system since obviously it wasn't going to be my parents.

You just have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Some people are introverts and really want to bond with their baby by themselves.

Also, some grandparents are nice to everyone except their immediate family. My mother will seem like the loveliest person in the world to YOU, a stranger, but she's internally incredibly anxious and the consequence is that she's hypercritical of ME. I'm an only child. I get all the criticism, non-stop. I was not about to receive another volley in my face right at the birth of my kids, OP! She visited a little later, when I was able to deal.

If you don't know the person, I think you should reserve judgement. And that goes for all the things you hear about people, whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

I think that’s wonderful! Protecting the baby from illness and overstimulation, and giving the new family time to settle in and enjoy. What a great thing to do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that the relationship is actually slightly strained and you don’t know about it. Or they get along fine but the new grandparents are boundary pushers or oversharers.

+1 I get along great with my FIL but we told him about our first pregnancy a little earlier than ideal because we were visiting him on Father's Day and he had posted it on Facebook before I got back to the table from the bathroom. I'm not going to judge another family for wanting to keep their new baby off social media, and it's funny (not haha) that you're jumping to judging the mom as though the dad doesn't exist or have opinions.

[Anonymous]

Some grandparents post way too much on social media. I know quite a few that do, and have to be reigned in by their kids.

To me, this sounds like a over sharing grandparent issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that the relationship is actually slightly strained and you don’t know about it. Or they get along fine but the new grandparents are boundary pushers or oversharers.

+1 I get along great with my FIL but we told him about our first pregnancy a little earlier than ideal because we were visiting him on Father's Day and he had posted it on Facebook before I got back to the table from the bathroom. I'm not going to judge another family for wanting to keep their new baby off social media, and it's funny (not haha) that you're jumping to judging the mom as though the dad doesn't exist or have opinions.

Well, I know the mom and the dad—and the grandparents. And it’s definitely the mom. The dad is just following along.

And generally speaking, when have you ever heard about a new dad dictating such things? It’s always the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some grandparents post way too much on social media. I know quite a few that do, and have to be reigned in by their kids.

To me, this sounds like an over sharing grandparent issue.

The grandparents aren’t even on social media. I think there’s some bizarre aversion to anyone having a picture…as if the grandparents might show it to someone in person or perhaps text (but there’s no risk of social media since they don’t use it).

And who doesn’t share the name with the grandparents once the baby has arrived??? The couple has named the baby. There’s no religious reason for keeping it secret. Apparently they want to do some big reveal. Okay…but why not tell your parents the name first?

This is very weird behavior. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

I think it’s emblematic of Americans not valuing family. I doubt this happens in other cultures absent strained relationships. Heck, other cultures seem to navigate strained relationships far better than we do in the US since they prioritize family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Some people are introverts and really want to bond with their baby by themselves.

Also, some grandparents are nice to everyone except their immediate family. My mother will seem like the loveliest person in the world to YOU, a stranger, but she's internally incredibly anxious and the consequence is that she's hypercritical of ME. I'm an only child. I get all the criticism, non-stop. I was not about to receive another volley in my face right at the birth of my kids, OP! She visited a little later, when I was able to deal.

If you don't know the person, I think you should reserve judgement. And that goes for all the things you hear about people, whatever it is.

This resonates so much PP - I got so much judgment and commentary. My parents did come immediately and they helped a lot but man it was HARD for my mental health.

No one really knows what it's like inside someone else's family.