Giving up vs. Pushing too hard

[Anonymous]

DC (7th grade) has multiple learning disabilities (dyscalc and dysgraphia). Despite this, they basically are B/B+ average student. In a few of their classes their final grade was very borderline to an A (e.g. 1-2 assignments/quiz making a difference). We had the diagnosis in March but really weren't able to get supports in place for this past year.

This year, they probably spent more time on homework then many of the peers, sometimes with disapointing results ("everyone got a 95, and I got an 83").
Going forward, some of the study habits likely could be tweaked based on our knowledge and their new accomodations.

I am now trying to figure out what a reasonable amount of time to spend on tutoring / homework vs free time is. Goal is to help them reach full potential but not push too hard/beyond reasonable limits.

They have activities that depend on the season but could be 1-2 a week or none; about 2 hours total with travel/transition time.

Since there are 6-7 hours between end of school and bedtime so theoretically a TON of time could be spent on work, but really what amount is "fair"? I think we accept that they need to do MORE than average kids (I don't think they've gotten there yet), but how much extra should we work towards.

The balance is that if it's not work it would likely be screen related (or them wanting screen time).

[Anonymous]

What specific skills are they lacking that caused them to take so long doing homework?

[Anonymous]

Also how are their foundational skills? Going back through elementary work might be quick, easy, and yield solid benefits as you plug in holes. For example, if her fractions are solid, algebra will be easier to understand and algebra homework, take less time.

[Anonymous]

It’s a hard balance. My kid with learning disabilities felt like he worked harder than anyone else, and for sure work was harder and more painful than it was for others…but he actually spent less time than other kids because it was so frustrating, exhausting, and unpleasant.

He did have to work harder all day in school to learn - attention was harder, work was harder, emotionally it was harder because he always felt stupid. So school was just HARDER.

All of this is just to say that you can’t really compare his number of hours (or minutes!) doing homework to other kids’. He is already working harder, just because he starts with the academic disadvantages that he does. So he is probably pretty tapped out when he gets home from school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a hard balance. My kid with learning disabilities felt like he worked harder than anyone else, and for sure work was harder and more painful than it was for others…but he actually spent less time than other kids because it was so frustrating, exhausting, and unpleasant.

He did have to work harder all day in school to learn - attention was harder, work was harder, emotionally it was harder because he always felt stupid. So school was just HARDER.

All of this is just to say that you can’t really compare his number of hours (or minutes!) doing homework to other kids’. He is already working harder, just because he starts with the academic disadvantages that he does. So he is probably pretty tapped out when he gets home from school.

Thank you--How did you address the being burnt out at the end of the day? How much time did you allocate to homework vs. relaxing/free time?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know that we ever had a perfect balance. Kid is off to college in the fall, and I think he doesn’t study near enough, and he thinks he studies enough to get the outcome he wants. He still really dislikes homework, though in general he enjoys ideas and class discussion and activities.

Have you read The Self Driven Child? In the end that steered our approach. “I love you too much to argue about homework.” We insisted that he do all assignments and turn them in, and we offered support on studying and paper writing. We set a rule that if a class grade (not an assignment grade) dipped below a C he’d have to accept intervention of some sort - tutoring, parental oversight, study hours, whatever.

It wasn’t perfect. His grades are lower than I wish. But he is an incredible young man - kind, wise, thoughtful, and a leader in every group of people he joins (aside from academic groups). So overall I’m glad we trusted him to make decisions about how hard he was going to work at school.

I think it helps if there is something else your kid can work hard at and struggle and excel. That connection between hard work and success is important, but it doesn’t necessarily work for our kids and academics. They can work hard and still fail. So something where they can succeed is great. For my son it is a sport, and he’ll be playing in college.

[Anonymous]

I am not at this age yet (still in elementary) so not appropriate to give any advice but wanted to second that the book the self driven child has some great tips from really seasoned professionals on balancing these things in the teen years. Haven’t implemented it yet but saved it to go back to when it comes for my ADHDer. So may be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that we ever had a perfect balance. Kid is off to college in the fall, and I think he doesn’t study near enough, and he thinks he studies enough to get the outcome he wants. He still really dislikes homework, though in general he enjoys ideas and class discussion and activities.

Have you read The Self Driven Child? In the end that steered our approach. “I love you too much to argue about homework.” We insisted that he do all assignments and turn them in, and we offered support on studying and paper writing. We set a rule that if a class grade (not an assignment grade) dipped below a C he’d have to accept intervention of some sort - tutoring, parental oversight, study hours, whatever.

It wasn’t perfect. His grades are lower than I wish. But he is an incredible young man - kind, wise, thoughtful, and a leader in every group of people he joins (aside from academic groups). So overall I’m glad we trusted him to make decisions about how hard he was going to work at school.

I think it helps if there is something else your kid can work hard at and struggle and excel. That connection between hard work and success is important, but it doesn’t necessarily work for our kids and academics. They can work hard and still fail. So something where they can succeed is great. For my son it is a sport, and he’ll be playing in college.

This is a good balanced approach- and that book should be required reading! Calm, with clear guide rails when the kid will have to accept help, preserving the bond between parent and kid, and recognizing kid’s non-academic strengths and skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that we ever had a perfect balance. Kid is off to college in the fall, and I think he doesn’t study near enough, and he thinks he studies enough to get the outcome he wants. He still really dislikes homework, though in general he enjoys ideas and class discussion and activities.

Have you read The Self Driven Child? In the end that steered our approach. “I love you too much to argue about homework.” We insisted that he do all assignments and turn them in, and we offered support on studying and paper writing. We set a rule that if a class grade (not an assignment grade) dipped below a C he’d have to accept intervention of some sort - tutoring, parental oversight, study hours, whatever.

It wasn’t perfect. His grades are lower than I wish. But he is an incredible young man - kind, wise, thoughtful, and a leader in every group of people he joins (aside from academic groups). So overall I’m glad we trusted him to make decisions about how hard he was going to work at school.

I think it helps if there is something else your kid can work hard at and struggle and excel. That connection between hard work and success is important, but it doesn’t necessarily work for our kids and academics. They can work hard and still fail. So something where they can succeed is great. For my son it is a sport, and he’ll be playing in college.

This is a good balanced approach- and that book should be required reading! Calm, with clear guide rails when the kid will have to accept help, preserving the bond between parent and kid, and recognizing kid’s non-academic strengths and skills.

Yes. Another fan here. Read it!