Ex-DH didn’t make time on Father’s Day

[Anonymous]

Kids are above 18, but not by much. They were disappointed as they had been asking to make Father’s Day plans for over a month. Now they’re asking if they can get together soon and he just keeps saying “another time”. No other relationship for him or me, and no obvious reason for him to disconnect from them. At what point am I allowed to say he’s a jerk?

[Anonymous]

You are never allowed to say that. Continue to support your kids and listen to them. That’s all you ever need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are never allowed to say that. Continue to support your kids and listen to them. That’s all you ever need to do.

I guess you’re right. It hurts to see them upset. And it’s hard to be the bigger person after all we’ve been through.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to say it. Let the kids figure that out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Yes, agreed. I’m sorry you’re in this position. If it makes you feel any better, there are adult kids in my family with a severely mentally ill mother and so I have largely stepped in. But I never say a bad word against their mother; I simply support them to the best of my ability.

[Anonymous]

Yeah it stinks. But just keep telling your kids "oof I'm sorry it's working out that way" and then just listen. If they ask you what to do, you could encourage them to share their hurt with him directly. Otherwise, just be the ear who hears the complaints and acts thrilled when he does come around (even if it's still lack luster). They will figure it all out eventually on their own.

[Anonymous]

Why would you need to say it? He's making it pretty apparent. That sucks; I'd feel bad for my kids too.

[Anonymous]

Did he care about Father's Day before? My husband couldn't care less. We did nothing special yesterday, at his request. My kids know this about him and know that this has no bearing at all on their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he care about Father's Day before? My husband couldn't care less. We did nothing special yesterday, at his request. My kids know this about him and know that this has no bearing at all on their relationship.

Yes, he cared before the divorce. We made a big thing of it- gifts, cards, fun family activities, dinners out, and sometimes trips. So it adds to the confusion now that he doesn’t want to do anything, even when they want to continue to celebrate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he care about Father's Day before? My husband couldn't care less. We did nothing special yesterday, at his request. My kids know this about him and know that this has no bearing at all on their relationship.

Yes, he cared before the divorce. We made a big thing of it- gifts, cards, fun family activities, dinners out, and sometimes trips. So it adds to the confusion now that he doesn’t want to do anything, even when they want to continue to celebrate him.

PP you replied to. Maybe he's depressed? Maybe he never really cared, but accepted these tributes as part of living with his family? Anyway, tell your kids to get over it. They can see him some other time. And maybe when they see him in person, they can ask point-blank why he refused to see them on June 15th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he care about Father's Day before? My husband couldn't care less. We did nothing special yesterday, at his request. My kids know this about him and know that this has no bearing at all on their relationship.

Same. My husband has never cared much or made a fuss about Father's Day. When the kids were little we had activities but now, (yesterday) we all just relaxed at home.

[Anonymous]

How often do they see him outside of things like Father's Day? If it's often enough and the relationship is otherwise ok, who cares. It's a made up holiday anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he care about Father's Day before? My husband couldn't care less. We did nothing special yesterday, at his request. My kids know this about him and know that this has no bearing at all on their relationship.

Yes, he cared before the divorce. We made a big thing of it- gifts, cards, fun family activities, dinners out, and sometimes trips. So it adds to the confusion now that he doesn’t want to do anything, even when they want to continue to celebrate him.

Why call him a jerk? Yes, I would be upset at first but maybe is too emotional for him to celebrate now.

Divorce affects all involved... why pretend things are the same as they used to be? They are not....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he care about Father's Day before? My husband couldn't care less. We did nothing special yesterday, at his request. My kids know this about him and know that this has no bearing at all on their relationship.

Same. My husband has never cared much or made a fuss about Father's Day. When the kids were little we had activities but now, (yesterday) we all just relaxed at home.

Yep most people do nothing for father day. The spending for Father’s Day is 1/2 of what is spent on Mother’s Day. It’s the same for birthdays. He may care or have hurt feeling but men are taught to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Tell your kids the holiday is for him, not them. If he doesn’t want to celebrate it, this should be fine. They can do something else with him.