Dc clowning around in sports

[Anonymous]

Dc is super focused in sports until something happens to shake her confidence. Most often it’s another girl saying something to her about a mistake the girl perceived dd made. Dd then shuts down and starts behaving silly and totally checks out of the game. I’ve talked to her about how it’s okay to make mistakes, everyone does, and when someone says something she can tell them to stop and ignore them or if it’s too much to tell a coach or me. But, she’s not been able to break out of this pattern yet - any one with a similar dc? Anything you did to help them? Tia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dc is super focused in sports until something happens to shake her confidence. Most often it’s another girl saying something to her about a mistake the girl perceived dd made. Dd then shuts down and starts behaving silly and totally checks out of the game. I’ve talked to her about how it’s okay to make mistakes, everyone does, and when someone says something she can tell them to stop and ignore them or if it’s too much to tell a coach or me. But, she’s not been able to break out of this pattern yet - any one with a similar dc? Anything you did to help them? Tia.

Age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Age?

7 and she’s been sensitive to criticism by others even as a small baby. I have such a distinct memory of her dropping food at a restaurant when she was about 9mos and the table next to her saying “oops” and smiling at her. She freaked out in a way she never had before and I couldn’t calm her down for what seemed like forever but was probably 5mins. I have other dc and they’re not nearly as sensitive as her.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety.

Normal but also something you should address. Keeping her in situations where she needs to face it is good. She is acting silly because she doesn't want to look like she cares a lot and failed. She wants to look like she purposely goofed. Its a defense mechanism to her need for perfection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Age?

7 and she’s been sensitive to criticism by others even as a small baby. I have such a distinct memory of her dropping food at a restaurant when she was about 9mos and the table next to her saying “oops” and smiling at her. She freaked out in a way she never had before and I couldn’t calm her down for what seemed like forever but was probably 5mins. I have other dc and they’re not nearly as sensitive as her.

Stop comparing and let her be her. She’s 7. Who cares? Are you trying to train an Olympic athlete?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety.

Normal but also something you should address. Keeping her in situations where she needs to face it is good. She is acting silly because she doesn't want to look like she cares a lot and failed. She wants to look like she purposely goofed. Its a defense mechanism to her need for perfection.

Any tips on how I can help her? Right now I tell her mistakes are okay and I tell her mistakes are good, that’s how she learns. I tell her to make spectacular mistakes and be unapologetic, etc. so far, it’s not working…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Age?

7 and she’s been sensitive to criticism by others even as a small baby. I have such a distinct memory of her dropping food at a restaurant when she was about 9mos and the table next to her saying “oops” and smiling at her. She freaked out in a way she never had before and I couldn’t calm her down for what seemed like forever but was probably 5mins. I have other dc and they’re not nearly as sensitive as her.

Stop comparing and let her be her. She’s 7. Who cares? Are you trying to train an Olympic athlete?

I think you misunderstand me. I am trying to help her be confident and more resilient in life. Her performance in sports doesn’t matter to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety.

Normal but also something you should address. Keeping her in situations where she needs to face it is good. She is acting silly because she doesn't want to look like she cares a lot and failed. She wants to look like she purposely goofed. Its a defense mechanism to her need for perfection.

Any tips on how I can help her? Right now I tell her mistakes are okay and I tell her mistakes are good, that’s how she learns. I tell her to make spectacular mistakes and be unapologetic, etc. so far, it’s not working…

I don't know for sure. My son had such bad anxiety we did therapy and meds at age 7. But he would start like you mention and just keep spiraling. The meds and therapy did help fwiw, he is 11 now and doesn't spiral. Your DD seems to be mildly impacted but I dont have the best advice for it since we were at the extreme.

There is a lot of literature about growth mindset, getting unstuck, etc, that I found helpful so maybe something like that would be sufficient. There are workbooks that ask kids to think about a scenario and write how they would act. Just giving her language for what she is feeling might be enough to help move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety.

Normal but also something you should address. Keeping her in situations where she needs to face it is good. She is acting silly because she doesn't want to look like she cares a lot and failed. She wants to look like she purposely goofed. Its a defense mechanism to her need for perfection.

Any tips on how I can help her? Right now I tell her mistakes are okay and I tell her mistakes are good, that’s how she learns. I tell her to make spectacular mistakes and be unapologetic, etc. so far, it’s not working…

For my DD, I would explicity identify the feelings for her, as in "you start talking nonstop at the start of a party because you're anxious. That's what that feels like for you in that situation. You should practice counting to 10 if you realize that you're the only one talking." Then when I dropped her off at the party, I'd say, "don't forget to count to 10." I know it sounds minor to say she was talking nonstop, but it was very extreme, almost manic. If OP's DD starts acting goofy as soon as she's criticized, something similar would work too to break the habit of immediately clowning around.

[Anonymous]

-Help her identify her feelings
-Validate her feelings
-Model your thought processes to give her language to do the same for herself
-Don't coach in the moment when she is triggered - do it beforehand, or well after she has calmed down
-Don't inadvertently validate or support anxiety-driven behaviors
-Exposure therapy is the standard for anxiety treatment

[Anonymous]

No one is really born great at anything. It takes work and struggle and failure. My kids responded well to stories of successful people who failed before they succeeded. Like this https://www.oxford-royale.com/articles/9-famous-people-failed-spectacularly-before-success but I’m sure there are more contemporary ones.

When my daughter started playing music we played early (pre famous) Beatles songs and early pre famous Elton John songs. It the lows her see that even the greats made garbage at first.