Husband constantly snaps at me

[Anonymous]

I’m so so tired of it. Most of his communication toward me is snapping at me. He feels justified doing it because he’s stressed, or trying to get out the door, or I’m doing something not to his liking.

It’s killing our marriage. I don’t feel the same way about him as I used to. We’ve tried therapy. It didn’t help. We have young kids so don’t want to jump to divorce. But how normal disposition toward me is usually nasty. What would you all do in my situation?

[Anonymous]

Mine does the same and I avoid him. Just being in the same space is very stressful and depressing. For the sake of my mental health, I sleep in a separate room most nights and only speak about the business of raising our kids.

[Anonymous]

You posted this before.

[Anonymous]

Mine has been as well.

It happened today, and he accused ME of it. After talking for a while, and him saying “I feel like you’re just ready to fight at any moment…” I said “but that’s exactly how *I* feel.”

We were being pleasant, I pleasantly handed him something that helped him, and he jumped in with a sort of rude tone etc. I called him out, and …that’s what he called fighting.

I’m like, no, you started with the snappy tone. He finally saw it and believed me. He thought I was being snappy, but he was before me.

Check yourself op, maybe you’re snapping at him. But I get it. It’s not fun.

[Anonymous]

There is too much togetherness. Pull back. Leave him a note. When you are around each other, be upbeat and courteous without expecting conversation. Don't talk more than needed. Be in the same room, without talking. Read a book.

For whatever reason, you are asking for more than he can give, right now at least. What would you do with a friend? You'd see them less. You'd interact with them less. But in a normal way, not giving them the silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

This was the first sign of an affair in our house. Not saying that’s the case, but he became extremely intolerant, snappy and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Mine did and I left. He got more messed up, got careless and ended up taking himself out.
All good now.
Yes, we have a kid, and yes it was very hard to leave. Staying was even harder. I had no idea he was autistic. All I knew was that his behavior was not normal. He hurt himself if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so so tired of it. Most of his communication toward me is snapping at me. He feels justified doing it because he’s stressed, or trying to get out the door, or I’m doing something not to his liking.

It’s killing our marriage. I don’t feel the same way about him as I used to. We’ve tried therapy. It didn’t help. We have young kids so don’t want to jump to divorce. But how normal disposition toward me is usually nasty. What would you all do in my situation?

What are you doing to upset him so much?
Why is he stressed so much? Doesn't exercise?

Try addressing some of the CAUSES of this situation, rather than focusing on the symptoms such as rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

It’s probably because you’re really annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine does the same and I avoid him. Just being in the same space is very stressful and depressing. For the sake of my mental health, I sleep in a separate room most nights and only speak about the business of raising our kids.

+1. This is my life, too. Except my husband is so passive and gives me the silent treatment most of the time, or answers me about everything with an air of disdain that is very covert. I'm sure to some that the silent treatment sounds wonderful, but it is painful to live like this when the children are noticing and it puts a huge dark cloud over every minute of the day. I hate the weekends now, and look forward to Mondays-which is sad.

[Anonymous]

Irritability and low level anger are signs of depression in men. It can be how the depressed mood presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine did and I left. He got more messed up, got careless and ended up taking himself out.
All good now.
Yes, we have a kid, and yes it was very hard to leave. Staying was even harder. I had no idea he was autistic. All I knew was that his behavior was not normal. He hurt himself if needed.

WTH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so so tired of it. Most of his communication toward me is snapping at me. He feels justified doing it because he’s stressed, or trying to get out the door, or I’m doing something not to his liking.

It’s killing our marriage. I don’t feel the same way about him as I used to. We’ve tried therapy. It didn’t help. We have young kids so don’t want to jump to divorce. But how normal disposition toward me is usually nasty. What would you all do in my situation?

You need an individual therapist. You need to be talking about how to set boundaries, how to emotionally self-regulate, how to educate your kids that nasty/irritable behavior is not acceptable, and whether to encourage your DH to get psychiatrically evaluated because irritability can be a sign of depression. You will also need ongoing guidance and structure to get yourself in a position to divorce -- career goals, making your young kids independent and able to self-advocate in an age appropriate way, visiting an divorce attorney, etc.

You may not want to divorce with young kids, but they are learning from you every minute of the day that it is OK for others to treat them in exactly the same way that your DH is treating you.

FWIW, I left when my kids were 18 mos. and 5 yo because I didn't want them to grow up into their own abusive relationships. (and that's what you describe -- verbal/emotional abuse) As they grew through the years, the fact that I left their dad and clearly did not tolerate nor perform that kind of verbal denigration and blame-casting enabled them to pick/reject appropriate, healthy friends and lovers.

[Anonymous]

I doubt op is completely blameless