Moving forward after abusive marriage

[Anonymous]

I’m moving through a very challenging divorce, which is wearing on, and I have a young son (4). There has been significant emotional abuse in the home which has felt de-humanizing and extremely isolating in many ways, and I am grateful to have an amazing therapist I’ve been working with for years, and a new house to move to in the near future with my son.

I know everyone goes through hard times. I have had incredible support from friends. What I’m most struggling with on a day to day basis is acting normal or engaged with my son’s potential community. I’ve just felt emotionally decimated, even less than a shell of myself, after constant exposure to an abusive environment in the home. Normally I’m outgoing and interested but because so few people know what’s going on (and will continue to go on), I just feel completely in my head and distant, like I’m being fake and I can’t stand it.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move through these periods? The treatment I’ve been subjected to, and continue to be, is unusually and intentionally cruel, and has gone on for months. For legal purposes I’ve had to remain in the martial home and will be getting out soon, but would love to hear how anyone has moved through these difficult seasons from a day-to-day perspective in this area. I’d also like to begin feeling normal and dating one day, but my trust issues are absolutely through the roof.

[Anonymous]

Did it for my son. No money for therapist.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you OP and well done for getting out of the situation.
I’m not clear on your question. Are you asking how to navigate with people who are close to you who don’t know the situation?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I told people. No reason to keep abuse a secret. Didn’t give juicy details that could be gossiped about, but let a few people know the broad strokes.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I also left an emotionally abusive marriage and it took a while to find myself again. As much as you can, take extremely good care of yourself and surround yourself with people who are good to you.

Prayers and hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Just being in a new place of your own will immediately change things and bring a huge sense of relief

[Anonymous]

We have only one side of the story here

[Anonymous]

Same here.
Don’t keep secrets. Surround yourself with a group of your closest family and friends for support, and tell them mostly everything. It helps so much to talk about it and let it out. Plus they will help you with your child. In your darkest moments, it helps to have someone to call, text. And go out with a friend at least once or twice a week to keep yourself sane and for support.
My friends and family knew he had an affair and were shocked because he put on a good front around people. But they didn’t know how he really acted and how he had become a master manipulator, even more so through the divorce process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just being in a new place of your own will immediately change things and bring a huge sense of relief

This. Simply surviving is hard enough now - don’t worry about the future until you are living separately.

[Anonymous]

NP How are you going to live with yourself knowing that your 4 year old will continue to experience emotional abuse half of the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP How are you going to live with yourself knowing that your 4 year old will continue to experience emotional abuse half of the time?

trolls out!

[Anonymous]

Don't date for a while, and when you start dating after the divorce, keep it discreet. Dating significantly complicates a divorce with an abusive ex, and it gives them leverage to turn your community against you. Continue attending therapy and strive to focus on the positives in your life as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP How are you going to live with yourself knowing that your 4 year old will continue to experience emotional abuse half of the time?

trolls out!

NP Not a troll post. I am in a similar situation but DH acts similarly albeit at more diluted levels, towards my child. I stay to protect said child and spend as much time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP How are you going to live with yourself knowing that your 4 year old will continue to experience emotional abuse half of the time?

trolls out!

NP Not a troll post. I am in a similar situation but DH acts similarly albeit at more diluted levels, towards my child. I stay to protect said child and spend as much time with them.

You’re not protecting your child. You’re showing them an unhealthy relationship and that’s what they’ll get into when they’re older. Leaving is hard and it’s super hard leaving your kids with the ex 50% of the time (blame it on our courts), but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. They’ll see that they shouldn’t put up with that kind of treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP How are you going to live with yourself knowing that your 4 year old will continue to experience emotional abuse half of the time?

trolls out!

NP Not a troll post. I am in a similar situation but DH acts similarly albeit at more diluted levels, towards my child. I stay to protect said child and spend as much time with them.

You’re not protecting your child. You’re showing them an unhealthy relationship and that’s what they’ll get into when they’re older. Leaving is hard and it’s super hard leaving your kids with the ex 50% of the time (blame it on our courts), but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. They’ll see that they shouldn’t put up with that kind of treatment.

+1 Rather than stress/eggshells 100% of the time, they will have harmony/peace/safety 50% of the time, and they will be able to count on it, and have that good example for themselves.