Leaving an emotionally abusive marriage

[Anonymous]

I am realizing that I married an emotionally abusive man (DARVO king, manipulative, etc) after being raised by an emotionally abusive mother, and finally I see that this will never change and that I need to leave.

What’s made this incredibly difficult is that the abuse from both mother and husband have been mixed with unreliable, manipulative “care.” I have questioned my sanity so many times. I know I am not perfect and have worked hard to own my role. I am now finally able to see past the fog and understand that the abuse will never stop even if I manage to become perfect.

I have 2 kids, thank GOD a good income, but I am struggling with how to create a support system for myself when the key people I have been entangled with have ultimately just been using me with no regard for me.

I have a plan to divorce, but how do I interact with the outside world now socially? I live in a relatively small and socially conservative community. Will I ever be able to surround myself with people who are relatively trustworthy? How do I even start? I feel so alone.

Yes I am going to get therapy, but I know lots of people in therapy, and let’s be real, it’s not a complete solution. I need to supplement with other strategies. If anyone else has been through this and understands what I mean, I would love to hear how you did it!

[Anonymous]

It's so hard, OP. I divorced someone very similar. Therapy was key in untangling all the complicated emotions I was feeling. Many years after my divorce, I became a therapist myself and I work with a lot of women in similar situations.

Work with your therapist to identify what qualities a trusted person would have (vs. the behavior you endured from the narcissists in your life) so that you don't inadvertently recreate old patterns. Then slowly identify people you know (friends, other family members) who behave in the ways you identified. You don't need a massive social circle, just a couple of trusted friends. Once you feel confident with those people, you can start expanding your circle.

A support group for women going through a divorce could be a good thing for you as well. There are lots online.

[Anonymous]

I left my ex recently and had abusive parents. If I were healthy I never would have married him. I go to therapy and it's been extremely helpful. I also read self help books and listen to a lot of podcasts. I think over time I'm resetting the parts of my brain that doubt myself and slowly I'm creating a new life.

Live life, make mistakes, course correct, keep going. Get very in tune with your intuition, you've been set on listening to the wrong voices for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Op what makes you think you are not the problem? Any possibility you are framing your mom’s and husband’s legit concerns about you as ‘abuse’?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op what makes you think you are not the problem? Any possibility you are framing your mom’s and husband’s legit concerns about you as ‘abuse’?

DARVO has entered the chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op what makes you think you are not the problem? Any possibility you are framing your mom’s and husband’s legit concerns about you as ‘abuse’?

The gaslighter is here! Go away.

[Anonymous]

Therapy, therapy, therapy. If you're not getting what you need, find a therapist who is a better fit.

You didn't mention friends - do you have any, either where you live or far away? If I had a friend in your situation I'd move heaven and earth to try to help her.

I hope your proud of yourself for what you're doing. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I think your number one strategy is to figure out why you think everyone is abusing you in some subtle way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your number one strategy is to figure out why you think everyone is abusing you in some subtle way.

OP mentioned husband and mother. We often marry what we know. And we often choose friends with the traits we are familiar with.

[Anonymous]

I had an emotionally abusive mom. You definitely need therapy. And you need to find yourself a new community that you fit in with. They were my saving grace. Thankfully (?) my toxic relationship was so bad I had friends who intervened and I saw the light when I was 23 and got myself sorted then so by the time I met DH I was in a healthy place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your number one strategy is to figure out why you think everyone is abusing you in some subtle way.

I don’t think other people are abusing me, and there is nothing subtle about the abuse of either my mother or my husband.