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Infertility Support and Discussion
Waiting room- Why don't we talk to each other?
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Anonymous
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I feel really uncomfortable with the fact that I spend most mornings at my RE's office seated around half a dozen other women going through a similar, isolating journey as me. And yet none of us look at each other... we all pretend the other doesn't exist. Sometimes i just want to smile, or say something encouraging, or... I don't know, say "I'm freaked out about this blood test, are you?"
Reading what someone just wrote on another post, my sense is that people are just going through a lot and not looking at each other is a way of respecting this... Am I alone in thinking this? |
Anonymous
| Sometimes, I think it's because if you are in the waiting room, that means that you likely have not yet had success...and people are afraid of hearing that somebody else is on IVF #4, or has had to move on to donor eggs, or that their last IVF ended in a miscarriage. For as bad as some of us have had it, I think we are all fearful of hearing that somebody has it worse, and that may, just maybe, we might end up in that position, too. |
Anonymous
| This was just posted as part of another post--I have to say that this always bothered me and the other day I was in for a blood test and a very friendly women started a conversation with me. Another joined in, and for the first time, I felt a little less alone in the journey. We all spilled the details of our stories--and I realized that there are a lot of us out there that really get empowered when we connect with others going through the same thing. It's not like talking about it with a friend that just doesn't understand, and you know is probably pitying you anyway.Perhaps, we should just try to be a little more open with each other--maybe smile or at least make eye contact We all need support, right? |
Anonymous
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This is discussed as part of this article:
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility |
Anonymous
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Well, we sometimes talked with others in the room, but for me, I didn't talk because I was respecting (as best I could) the health privacy of those in the room.
Remember...some of those ladies in there might be egg donors...and while this isn't supposed to happen (the office is supposed to make sure there is no overlapping monitoring) if you are there for DE, you might be asking questions of your anonymous egg donor. Not cool. |
Anonymous
| To be honest, I have always felt this way in any physician's office ... I agree with supporting one another for sure. But I guess I'm always sensitive to/mindful of the fact that we're all in the office for different reasons, with situations of varying severity. It definitely eases the nerves if there happens to be a friendly chat here or there, but it's not the way things normally go. People want to get in and out and go home (and for me, hopefully get through an appointment well, for which I might be very nervous). |
Anonymous
I agree with the OP. Heck, I would love to even start a conversation about something NOT related to what we are going though in the waiting room just to even take my mind off things! Start a chat with me about new tv shows, movies, books, restaurants. It would certainly help to relieve some anxiety and stress.  . My husband and I have had light conversations in there with just each other and while we try to keep it quiet, people still look at us like we each have three heads!
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Anonymous
| I used to feel this way, until I realized that I was in that waiting room (at various points) to: (1) monitor, (2) confirm a miscarriage, (3) confirm a pregnancy and (4) see a heartbeat. When I was there for #2, I really wouldn't have wanted to talk to anyone who was there for #4. When I was there for #4, I overheard the woman next to me who was about to have her cycle canceled for poor response. So yeah, the silence bites and is isolating, but even though there are a lot of similarities in the stories, there are a lot of day-to-day differences in what is happening with people and that can be tough to talk about. |
Anonymous
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Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I have a support group of friends and family. While most of them have no idea what my husband and I are going through, I feel comfortable with them. I'm usually in the waiting room at the crack of dawn, waiting to be poked and prodded in places I don't want poked and prodded by anyone other than my husband. I hate needles and usually feel a bit like vomiting waitng for blood to be drawn. I'm just not interested in finding out the woman next to me is trying for baby #2 or waiting to do an ultrasound because her first IVF cycle worked. I've been through numerous IUIs and transfers and spent $20k. If the nice lady next to me tells me her first IUI worked, I'm liable to rip the People Magazine I'm holding to shreds.
Please don't take this personally, but some of us don't talk because we just don't want to or because we are trying not to think about what we are there to do. |
Anonymous
I would actually like to piggy back on this a little -am currently trying for #2. My #1 took mutliple surgeries, 3 years, and 4 IVFs. I know the pain of fearing that you will never become a parent...and I also know that the pain of secondary infertility is different. When I was in PP's shoes, trying to conceive #1, I had no desire to chat with those trying for #2. We were just in different worlds. I get what she's going through, and I don't have a crystal ball to know if she will eventually have a successful journey to parenthood, and, even though I am in a not great place now (third IVF trying for #2), I know she is in a worse place -not knowing sucks- and I know that nothing I can say is going to fix it for her. And I just want to leave her in peace. In all honesty, sometimes without any of us saying anything, I still find comfort in sitting in a room with other women who know how complicated and emotional chasing a dream can be. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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This is the OP. Everything everyone is saying makes total sense.
And, to be clear, I definitely am not advocating for striking random -- or not -- conversations with others. Just saying that sometimes I wish I could and wonder if others feel the same way. |
Anonymous
OP, 12:27 here. Yes, sometimes I do wish I felt more at ease saying something. I think it's best that I don't -but, especially when I see someone with that "new patient" look, I sometimes want to hug them and tell them I am sorry they ended up in our club, but that they aren't alone. I am sitting here laughing at that visual -could you imagine how freaked out a lot of people would be if someone did that in a doctor's office?? |
Anonymous
| Yes, but I hate going to what feels like a "cattle call" and just sitting in what feels like a silent tomb. Some nice woman and I started talking the other day, and I was enormously grateful. I can't even remember what started it. She was just at the beginning of her journey, and I am 3 years into it. Who cares if you look crazy? Doesn't this make us a a bit crazy anyway? I do agree that clearly not everyone wants to talk, but the silence is deafening. I wish they would at least out on some soothing music (Enya type, classical).... I know no one wants to be there, but maybe if we could share our plights, the load would be easier. |
Anonymous
| Don't forget about DH.. I remember I went in to the u/s room and when I came out DH was chatting and laughing with another husband in the waiting room. I thought it was cute that they could find some humor out of it all.. Its hard on them too.... |