Good way to break into a group/conversation

[Anonymous]

I’m in an awkward situation with one of my close friends. We have kids in the same grade and her other best friend who I’ve known for years has some of the worst body language of anyone I’ve ever encountered and she always stands with her. I see them both together probably 100 times a year at various sporting events for the kids and social things and she just boxes you out of the conversation, does not make eye contact, her shoulders shift to force you out, I cannot really explain it but just to say at first I thought it was a me thing but I have heard at least a dozen people mention it over the past few months how off putting it is and even people who are her good friends. There’s been multiple times I’ve said hi and patiently waited behind for like 1-2 minutes with no opening of the circle or acknowledgement and just walked away or stood by myself for entire kid sporting games. People joke I can talk to anyone. Recently my best friend opened up that she feels isolated from people because no one talks to her at things. I know I should have brought it up there and I did lightly saying I try but her other best friend boxes me out with her shoulders and body language and she didn’t seem to realize how bad it was. Finally at at party where it happened and it was just the two of them I know I loudly said after a few minutes that no one acknowledged me when I arrived and stood behind them waiting for their pause of conversation to join “Hi! Can I join the conversation!” and they let me in. WWYD moving forward? Any tips to break into a conversation like this? Asking that loudly was a little uncomfortable for me. Should I have a heart to heart with my best friend just how bad it is and how others have mentioned it? She brought it up bedside she feels people have left her out but I am not sure if it’s worth explaining how this has been going on a few years and this woman is always there.

[Anonymous]

Your title is misleading. Tell her how you have felt when encountering her and the friend at events and you try to join them in conversation. Do it without accusing or getting emotional. Id stay away from what others have shared. It will come accross as gossipy.

[Anonymous]

If she’s your close friend, why can’t you be direct the next time she brings it up. If she said she’s being iced out then you give her the same matter of fact example you gave us. Tell her it’s hard to approach her when she stands like this (show her) because people don’t want to interrupt what looks like a serious conversation. Try standing like this (show her) to indicate you are open to talking to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend, why can’t you be direct the next time she brings it up. If she said she’s being iced out then you give her the same matter of fact example you gave us. Tell her it’s hard to approach her when she stands like this (show her) because people don’t want to interrupt what looks like a serious conversation. Try standing like this (show her) to indicate you are open to talking to anyone.

Well I did bring it up- I said that her friend’s shoulders box me out and she doesn’t make eye contact, smile, say hi or even turn in the direction of anyone trying to join the conversation. And she locks eyes with my friend so I think my friend just goes along with it not to be rude. When I brought it up she seemed to dismiss it because her point of view was she was being left out by others, but this happens when it’s just the 3 of us and not more friends. Should I bring it up again and explain how bad it is? Or wait for an opportunity again in the moment and say loudly to my friend (Kate) directly “Kate- can I join your conversation?” I know this sounds insane and unbelievable that it’s this hard to just join but it actually is just impossible.

[Anonymous]

Oh these are my favorite awkward encounters to just barge into. The friend has horrible manners (really egregious- locking eyes with her friend to "own" her?) so don't feel like anything that YOU do is over the top, OP.

Walk right up loudly declare something unignorable the whole time. Be super animated! Get Lisa Lock Eye's attention. HEY LISA!!! I'm right here! WHat's new with you?! I would have so much fun with this. But I really hate people with bad manners who try to play games.

[Anonymous]

I would question your friend’s part in this. She sees you standing there and yet, doesn’t include you in the conversation either. The overbearing person is not the only one to blame here. I am confused if you have discussed these dynamics with your friend. After you have clearly made your point, give your friend ONE chance to be assertive. If she can’t do it, walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh these are my favorite awkward encounters to just barge into. The friend has horrible manners (really egregious- locking eyes with her friend to "own" her?) so don't feel like anything that YOU do is over the top, OP.

Walk right up loudly declare something unignorable the whole time. Be super animated! Get Lisa Lock Eye's attention. HEY LISA!!! I'm right here! WHat's new with you?! I would have so much fun with this. But I really hate people with bad manners who try to play games.

That’s funny; our other friend was talking about it and she said she does just that, goes right up behind them and starts waving her hands wildly back and forth with a huge smile on her face and screams Hi Kate and Lisa! What’s new?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would question your friend’s part in this. She sees you standing there and yet, doesn’t include you in the conversation either. The overbearing person is not the only one to blame here. I am confused if you have discussed these dynamics with your friend. After you have clearly made your point, give your friend ONE chance to be assertive. If she can’t do it, walk away.

Yes, we have had one real heart to heart 2 years ago about it and I brought it up again but we were on a girls trip when I mentioned it (that her other best friend wasn’t on) and didn’t want to ruin the trip and make it a thing. She mentioned feeling iced out by some other friends and I brought up that my perspective was she isolates herself with “Lisa” because Lisa’s social mannerisms are kind of unfriendly and unwelcoming. I even mentioned a specific large party where I personally didn’t talk to Kate all night because I just didn’t want to deal with it and they really always pair off at anything and as I mentioned this isn’t a once a month thing. I see these people a few times a week all year through kid sports and school events. I don’t think my friend is doing it to be intentionally mean. I just don’t think she realizes how off putting it is. I’ve gotten to the point the last few weeks I don’t even try, it’s not worth it to feel awkward and I have other people to talk to or can stand alone.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to clarify, we talked about 2 years ago and I brought it up again last week on a girls trip but didn’t get deep into it because I didn’t want to start any conflict or anything on the trip or say anything negative about her.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like barging in works. Do what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Once you asked to join the conversation, they let you in. So, the code is cracked! No, this is not typical behavior, nor does this approach feel natural…but it works. You now have the keys to this particular kingdom.

If they ignored or were cold/distant after you asked to join the conversation, that would be a major problem. But…they let you in! You’re in! Goal met.

[Anonymous]

So, my guess would be that other friend has social anxiety and is using your mutual friend as a crutch. It would be painful, but I'd go up and say "Hi, all! Great to see you! Paula (weird friend), I just love that sweater. The color is perfect on you. Where'd you get it?" Or whatever. Make it about her to start with. Ask questions to make her keep talking. Maybe she might start to feel like you aren't trying to peel your mutual friend away. And if you ask questions, it would help her get over any of her own social awkwardness. And she might let you in the circle.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounds like they are trying to remove YOU from the group. Have you done anything to them to cause this? You may want to take some time and reflect on your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend, why can’t you be direct the next time she brings it up. If she said she’s being iced out then you give her the same matter of fact example you gave us. Tell her it’s hard to approach her when she stands like this (show her) because people don’t want to interrupt what looks like a serious conversation. Try standing like this (show her) to indicate you are open to talking to anyone.

Well I did bring it up- I said that her friend’s shoulders box me out and she doesn’t make eye contact, smile, say hi or even turn in the direction of anyone trying to join the conversation. And she locks eyes with my friend so I think my friend just goes along with it not to be rude. When I brought it up she seemed to dismiss it because her point of view was she was being left out by others, but this happens when it’s just the 3 of us and not more friends. Should I bring it up again and explain how bad it is? Or wait for an opportunity again in the moment and say loudly to my friend (Kate) directly “Kate- can I join your conversation?” I know this sounds insane and unbelievable that it’s this hard to just join but it actually is just impossible.

I think you should ask your friend to help by purposefully engaging with you and others while that other woman is there. While trying not to be rude, your friend is feeding into the situation. You both need to take steps to make sure everyone is involved in the conversation. Your friend needs to accept that this will take work. You are all not doing it to be mean. You are trying to make sure everyone has a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like they are trying to remove YOU from the group. Have you done anything to them to cause this? You may want to take some time and reflect on your actions.

Well I can see why you would say that but I’m pretty close with “Kate”, talk everyday, travel together multiple times a year on vacations for both girls trip, couples trip and family trips and I’ve heard at least a dozen people mention this dynamic about “Lisa” so I think it’s more a her thing than a me thing.