Misogynistic trans boy
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Anonymous
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We have a teenage trans boy in our family whose gender expression was very stereotypically boy from early toddlerhood, and who began expressing gender dysphoria very young. He fully socially transitioned in middle school.
One of the ways his dysphoria presents is that he is very negative about anything he associates with girls, or women, or femininity, and is very judgmental of other males whose gender expression is less stereotypically male. For example, he balks at any kind of household task, saying that laundry, or cleaning, or cooking are "for women", even though in our family the other male teens and male adults do all of these tasks. He loves to watch sports with his male cousins, but will walk out of the room if they have a women's game on. He will make disparaging comments to male friends who display what he considers "girly" interests, like drawing or cooking. I am wondering if other people have seen this pattern. If so, did you find solutions? |
Anonymous
| Congrats on raising a boy with toxic masculinity I guess. Just like a cis boy, being a misogynist doesn't make him more manly. |
Anonymous
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I don’t understand the question.
Why would you let any boy behave this way??? He would be getting an earful. Plus, if he wants to spew toxic masculinity then he better put his money where his mouth is. If his mom works then he should only be willing to accept half the spending money and half the living space that he’s accustomed to — you know since those things are half funded by a woman working. Is he strong enough to fight? If he wants to say that men are protectors and it’s natural for them not to do housework, say okay. Have all the boys wrestle. The first one to tap out does the “weak” chores. Oh that’s not fair because he’s naturally always going to be weaker than his brothers? Tell him to man up or wake up. |
Anonymous
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Is this your child? Because there are many legitimate support groups for parents of trans youth where you could have supportive and non judgmental help if that’s actually what you’re looking for. You are unlikely to find it here.
If you’re not a parent or sibling and this behavior is so bothersome, I would tell the parents and/or stop associating with the kid. I’d treat it like I’d treat any other extended family member I don’t like, which is trying to see them as little as possible. If it’s not your kid, it’s not really your problem. If it is your kid, there are many better places to seek help than here. |
Anonymous
It's my stepchild, so someone I need to live with, and someone I love. DH is in a support group, but he says the other parents in the support group don't have kids with this particular issue, that, if anything, their kids are more understanding of other people who are gender non-conforming, not less. And to answer the PP, of course we address the behavior in the moment. Kid knows it's not acceptable to say these things, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still feel that way. |
Anonymous
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My kid has 2 trans friends. Both M to F though.
Both families know each other now but through us. I’ve never heard them say stuff like this and their parents would come down hard if they did. Having specific gender roles or gender specific tasks, activities etc is why so many kids feel like they don’t fit in the right box. Anyone can do anything they choose, wear what they like, do what sport they like, and have equal chores, not gendered chores. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like overcompensation. You should treat this just like you would for a biological male. Tell them their behavior is toxic, unacceptable, and you, as a women, find it offensive and completely unacceptable. Especially the BS about womanly chores. |
Anonymous
Does dad have full custody or half custody? Does the kid have a good relationship with mother? |
Anonymous
| Kid needs mental health treatment and equal chores. |
Anonymous
| Are other people in his life not accepting of his gender identity? It seems like his behavior is less rooted in belief that femininity is bad/less than it is about fear that he'll do something that will make others perceive him as a girl. Is he in therapy? |
Anonymous
He is in therapy, and on anti-depressants. His parents have worked hard to have him in environments where people treat him as a boy, so day to day I would say that he is treated well. Of course he is aware that there are people in the broader community who don’t see him that way. He is at an awkward stage where he passes less well than a year ago and less well than he will in the future when he is old enough for testosterone and top surgery. Having said that this comes up in situations where the only people there are people who see him and treat him 100% like a boy. So, for example when he gets upset because he doesn’t want to watch the NCAA women’s tournament with his dad and his stepbrothers, the other males in the room clearly don’t think that watching women’s sports makes you less of a man since they have chosen to watch it! |
Anonymous
He is getting both. |
Anonymous
| I have a friend with a teenager who is now a trans boy and the mom was always putting down traditional women's roles and lifting up fighting for women's rights despite being mainly a stay at home mom. It was so weird to watch because she was living the life of mainly being a traditional mom. Her dad was abusive and I guess she didn't realize that a lot of her dad's anger were part of her personality just expressed in a different way. She was always protesting something or angry about something and didn't realize she was again passing on these traits to her child. For the first 10 years the child also started fighting for women's rights and lifting up women but then started getting into more and more arguments and fits with people. Eventually the child was diagnosed with adhd/autism and became a trans boy. As part of that new identity they have tried to shed any feminine traits from themselves. This is partly from the mom already putting down feminine traits and second from wanting to create a male identity. I feel like if they had been made aware that they had emotional dis-regulation behaviors from the start that maybe they wouldn't have so much hate for the world, but now it's kind of ingrained as a personality trait. |
Anonymous
We are in the process of switching so that he’ll be with us 80% of the time. Until recently it has been the reverse. Mother/son relationship is tense but not on this issue. Both parents support the transition. |
Anonymous
Ok. I’m the poster who asked if this was your child. I’m the mom of a young adult trans daughter. I’ve generally found DCUM terrible for talking about trans issues, and my assumption was that you were a troll. I do find this odd and it isn’t anything I’ve experienced or really seen people talk about (although admittedly I tend to focus on issues regarding trans women). But I also think you’re not going to find much help here. This needs to be addressed in family therapy. But also it sounds like you’re talking about maybe a 12 year old? Someone on blockers who hasn’t started HRT. This could be general preteen obnoxious behavior. It could be overcompensating for wanting to “catch up” with peers. There is no way to know. Check out groups like the Mama Bears or Mama Dragons which require vetting to join. On an anonymous forum you’re not likely to get sensitive answers. |