Would you reach out in this situation

[Anonymous]

TLDR: My mom has passed and her cousin has kind of acted as a surrogate grandmother for my kids. She lives a couple hours away and will occasionally take them on ski trip days or to the beach etc.

While Googling her name to look up her zip code (actually to send a thank you note for sending my kids Easter gifts...) -- I found out she has just been arrested for a DUI. She is 70. She texted me this morning asking if she could pick up the kids next weekend to take them to her lake house for the day.
I have no idea what the status of her driver's license is. But I am not comfortable with her driving with my kids in the car. She did NOT disclose this arrest to me and is probably humiliated -- but I just do not feel comfortable letting my kids ride with her and I need to think of a reason why, since they have done so for years.

No freakin idea how to handle this diplomatically. I'm not going to say, "Hey! Saw you got arrested!" I also can't keep making up white lies indefinitely.
Help.

[Anonymous]

I would call her (sounds like she doesn’t live close by—if she does, it would be better to do this in person). Tell her exactly what you said here: that you googled her to get her zip code and saw the DUI arrest. Tell her while your kids love being with her and you love that she’s taken on this role as surrogate grandma to them, it makes you uncomfortable to have your kids on a car w her after seeing the DUI. Don’t know where you go from there depends on how she reacts when you say this to her.

Honesty is best. Otherwise she’ll wonder why you don’t allow the kids w her anymore. she needs help and hopefully you knowing this will push her to get help (the DUI should’ve been the wake up call but maybe this will be instead)?

[Anonymous]

You have to bring it up. Can you invite her to come stay for a weekend to hang with the family? Then you can bring it up in person.

Is your relative Mary Lou Retton?

[Anonymous]

I assume you know it is 100% her-the address was there or date of birth? I personally would go polite and passive at first-making excuses. If she insisted/didn't let it go/got difficult then I would be honest and confront it head on. Just be prepared if she is in denial or has other dysfunction which she likely does if she thinks she is a safe person for your kids, there will be major fallout. It's worth it because your job is to protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to bear bad news but I agree with PP that you need to be honest and explain what happened. If there is fall out so be it, but you can be both nonjudgmental and not allow her to drive your kids. I would do the same. But don’t be vague, just tell her.

[Anonymous]

Being diplomatic is NOT a problem you need to have on your mind. You say, "no." Nothing else needs to be micromanaged.

[Anonymous]

Are you absolutely sure it's her? If you are, then yes, you need confront head on. I would not be comfortable with such a person looking after my kids all by herself. Not just for driving.

[Anonymous]

12:46 All of the kindness in the world (her kindness) doesn't matter if this is correct information, and now she is asking. An action far more despicable than you choosing one nice way to express yourself vs some other nice way to express yourself.

[Anonymous]

Kindness is not more important than my kids safety.

I’d be straight with her. If for some freak reason it was a mistake, she would tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kindness is not more important than my kids safety.

I’d be straight with her. If for some freak reason it was a mistake, she would tell you.

+1
My mom was going to take my kids to an event that I didn't feel 100% comfortable about. I finally expressed my apprehension and she told me to never feel bad about advocating for your own children. Your kids' safety should always come first.

[Anonymous]

I would not reach out.

[Anonymous]

I think you have no choice but to bite the bullet here. It would be easier for you to just not ask, and make excuses (meaning she sees less of the kids and may not understand why). Just tell her how you found it, and ask if it is true, and what happened.

Presuming it is true, I wouldn’t let her drive the kids anytime soon. That is for sure. That being said, I wouldn’t otherwise limit her contact with the kids (who sound old enough to call you if there are issues) as long as she promises her time with them will be alcohol free.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure this citation was for alcohol use? And has the case been closed yet, been to court ? Driving under the influence could mean other things (medication, for one) - which will still awful, may have a backstory or explanation that makes more sense. If this seems otherwise very unlike her.

Anyway just ask.

[Anonymous]

Was she found guilty?

Kind of a long story, but a friend of my DH’s was charged for driving under the influence and the charges were dropped. He has a medical condition that causes his speech to be a bit slurred and affects his general coordination a little. Another car actually hit HIM and the officer suspected him of being the influence just due to his speech and behavior (despite blowing .00 on a breathalyzer). The charges weren’t dropped until his bloodwork came back. And I think he may have had to provide proof of his medical condition as well. Can’t remember. He spent the night in jail though.

With an elderly person, I’d wonder if it was possibly something like that. Or some sort of medication issue.

[Anonymous]

Just be honest and ask.