My 14-year-old DS does not socialize

[Anonymous]

He doesn't seem depressed or anything. He just hasn't seem to connected with anyone at his middle school. He says he has friends in school but nobody who has made the leap to an outside-of-school friend. He has two buddies from elementary, but they have branched out and he just has not (meaning he'll ask them to hang out but sometimes they're busy).

I'm trying to do all the right things: encouraging him to join activities, etc. Is this a normal developmental stage? He just seems content to shoot hoops alone in the yard or to play video games in his room.

[Anonymous]

There are posts about this pretty much weekly.

14 is 8th grade, yes?

I think it happens but I'm not sure it's "normal"? Many kids are socializing.

What activities does your kid do outside of school, if any?

[Anonymous]

He needs to join marching band, he can play cymbals or bass drum.

[Anonymous]

I would say that it can be normal or it can be sign of depression. I went through a phase like that; from the end of seventh grade through the end of ninth grade I didn't socialize with a kid outside of school. I was fine, but we moved and I didn't make new friends. There are definitely kids for whom that's a sign of depression, though.

I do think it looks weirder to DCUM because the kids here are mostly in activities where they're not just by themselves, even if they don't have friends.

[Anonymous]

My 15 year old rarely socializes. He has maybe a couple meet ups a few times a year during the school year, but honestly he’s too busy with school work. He doesn’t seem unhappy though. He has a few good school friends. Our entire family is more introverted though. We are not constantly on the go or have plans. We love our down weekends!

[Anonymous]

OP here. He does sports (basketball and tennis) and organized activities like that, but when its done it's done - the on-court connections don't seem to translate into more. He is a nice kid and isn't bullied. He just seems...not to socialize.

[Anonymous]

OP what are his school friends and the teammates he gets along with doing after school and on the weekends? Are they all shooting hoops and playing video games by themselves too?

Many early teen boys lack the social skills to develop friendships. It starts with making plans to hang out outside school. He might need your help.

[Anonymous]

Does he play video games online with friends?

I was concerned about DS at a similar age, but he did do this about once or twice a week. Many kids are socializing in person, but some things have changed with time as well.

Agree on the matching band recommendation.

The other question is - does he want to socialize more? My other DS does a lot of sports and he wants to veg out after that. He doesn’t want to socialize on his off hours, for better or worse.

[Anonymous]

Since these kids are so scheduled with activities and sports, they need time to decompress and also do homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He does sports (basketball and tennis) and organized activities like that, but when its done it's done - the on-court connections don't seem to translate into more. He is a nice kid and isn't bullied. He just seems...not to socialize.

Same with my son. Sports and activities, but no socializing (other than on social media).

[Anonymous]

My stepsons, who are now older, were/are like this. Personally, I think his parents did them a huge disservice by letting them hole up in their rooms and play video games so much. I would not have allowed that, but it was not up to me since I was not their parent. Their parents weren't willing to be the "bad guys" who took away the devices, cut off the wifi, made them do their homework in open places, told them all devices had to be in the kitchen by 9pm - they did not do any of that. And they spent all of high school being anti social, closed up in their rooms, on video games. They did not adjust well to living on campus in college and now have failed to launch and live in their childhood bedrooms and hole up on screens. Neither have jobs this summer (they are in college - sort of - they take part time classes and spend the rest of their time at home).

Don't let your kid wind up like this. Cut off the video game playing. If he's playing with other kids he knows in person online, allow it for an hour or two a day. Other than that, don't allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He does sports (basketball and tennis) and organized activities like that, but when its done it's done - the on-court connections don't seem to translate into more. He is a nice kid and isn't bullied. He just seems...not to socialize.

Is he socializing online while he plays the games? This is a common way boys socialize.

My son needs down time. He’s more of an introvert and I get it because so am I. He socializes at home, on these games and openly says he gets drained being around people all day at school. He played a sport for many years and that was more people. Now that he’s older he dropped the sport and had a job. He’s happy and content.

After being at work all week, I don’t want to be around more people in the evenings and weekend besides my family either.

If your son continues to be involved in something, and it sounds like he plays two sports, and seemed happy, then you have no concerns.

[Anonymous]

Mine too. He’ll be 16 next month. He has school friends but he doesn’t see them outside of school. He hangs out with a couple of neighborhood kids but that’s it. No parties, no ”typical teen” weekend plans. He’s an introvert and seems okay. He plays a sport, likes music and movies, goes to the gym, and gets decent grades. And of course he plays computer games.

We worry about him sometimes but we don’t bug him about it. He’s a homebody, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

I definitely know boys like this. I do wonder what this type of boy did a generation ago. Just home watching TV?

I think red flags are if he's not interacting with your family or other people at all either. I know 8th grade boys without many friends but they have cousins, family gatherings with kids around their age, good relationships with siblings and parents...in other words they are engaged with people outside of school even if it's not always peers. I do not think it is necessarily healthy to hole up in a bedroom when not in activities or at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He does sports (basketball and tennis) and organized activities like that, but when its done it's done - the on-court connections don't seem to translate into more. He is a nice kid and isn't bullied. He just seems...not to socialize.

That's one step above my DS at that age. We made him do soccer for physical activity but he was horrible at it, so most of the kids on the team kind of shunned him. He did boys scouts, and that was his life saver.

He was a late bloomer, so I think that was a large part of it, but he is also somewhat of an introvert, like me. He had a glowup during covid; grew, thinned out, dropped the braces and glasses (see a theme here? He was super short and a total nerd - straight A student). By junior year in HS he found a gf (broke up like six months later but found another gf).

He joined a social club in college and started to interact with different people. Prior to, he was just hanging out with people he knew from HS.

He is now at an internship far from home (sniff... won't see him for 11 weeks) and is socializing a lot.

He said that he's ok being alone since he is an introvert, but he's also grown to like socializing.