Punishment for morning crabbiness?

[Anonymous]

Or is this something I’m meant to simply brush off?

My perpetually crabby-in-the-morning almost-14yo DD is occasionally unbearable in the morning. Things like this:

Wants to leave the house at 7:30 ON THE DOT, and will be angry if you aren’t ready to drive her, but also angry if you’re ready to walk out the door but it’s not 7:30 yet, if that makes sense.

In the car she will tell me how to drive, “Omg why didn’t you turn, you could have made it between house cars!” etc.

If I breathe the wrong way she sighs audibly, or says something insulting “omg, yawn one more time, and I swear to god.”

I should preface by saying that I drive her because she has to cross a rather precarious intersection that isn’t timed the best for pedestrians—people, including kids, are hit or have near misses pretty much weekly. She *could* walk. FWIW, she will occasionally apologize later in the day for her attitude in the morning. She’s also otherwise (mostly) a very reasonable and respectful girl. I do understand this is hormonal and goes with the territory. But it’s getting to be a little too much lately.

So, after dealing with this for weeks now, is this a punishable offense? The natural consequence is she walks, but as I said, I don’t think the risk is worth the consequence; I’d never forgive myself if anything happened.

So what’s the most clever way to handle this?

Put her to bed early so she can we well rested and not crabby? (She feels too old for this.)

Wake her early and be in the school parking lot for her preferred arrival time? (This just seems like a waste of everyone’s time.)

Take something away, like her phone? (Seems unrelated to the offense and thus petty?)

Just accept that she’s otherwise a good kid who is crabby in the morning?

Wwyd, parents?

[Anonymous]

OMG. Just be thankful the child gets up and goes to school. Seriously, if you only knew about school refusal...!

I seriously think it's unreasonable to worry about mood or affect. I think it's ok to have rules like "no swearing, no slamming doors/drawers" but grumpy is age appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Just be thankful the child gets up and goes to school. Seriously, if you only knew about school refusal...!

I seriously think it's unreasonable to worry about mood or affect. I think it's ok to have rules like "no swearing, no slamming doors/drawers" but grumpy is age appropriate.

Thanks for your honest reply. I realize this is small potatoes, but she’s just so damn insulting. I feel like if I do nothing, it will only escalate. She can’t think she can speak to me this way. Maybe I’m overthinking?

[Anonymous]

I'd burst out laughing and say something like, "you're so cute when you get all huffy."

[Anonymous]

Clearly she's not a morning person right now. Accept that it's hard for her to keep herself in check in the morning, but also talk to her when she's not crabby about how you can work together to make that difficult time of day less unpleasant for both of you. Rather than punish her, approach the problem from a team perspective where you work together to make a plan to improve the situation.

[Anonymous]

Being grumpy in the mornings is pretty universal . I’m grumpy until I have my coffee, but I’m an adult so I know how to manage my emotions and not constantly take it out on my kids and husband when I wake up. Your daughter isn’t there yet. Apologizing later in the day is a great sign. And if she is otherwise pleasant and polite, that’s amazing!

It’s fine IMO to remind her once every morning- as soon as she speaks rudely to you- that you understand she feels grumpy in the mornings but it is rude to snap at everyone else in the house. But, she will probably still do it, and for me, escalating would not be worth it, as long as SHE wasn’t escalating by getting worse and worse and starting to be rude other times of day too.

[Anonymous]

She sounds exactly like me, down to the backseat driving, and I'm a grownass adult.

[Anonymous]

Turn on the radio and drive. This is a phase. Don’t respond to her outbursts. If she says something that is truly over the line, say that’s over the line and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

My teen can be crabby, but sometimes they'll say things that cross the line and I'll tell them to knock it off.

The yawn response was rude. That would get a warning. You have to nip some of this stuff in the bud. It will get worse if you don't. My teen doesn't have to like us, but they don't get to talk to us rudely.

[Anonymous]

A “honey, don’t be rude” or “I’m driving safely, not quickly” or just ignore. She’s a teen and punishment over this would probably make her act out more.

[Anonymous]

If she’s fine otherwise (and it sounds like she is), I’d just ignore it and give her a wide berth.

I have an often-crabby kid (as well as one who is a morning lark, waking up singing) and I’d be happy if it was just in the morning!

[Anonymous]

This feels like getting into a battle of wills because your feelings are hurt, which isn't a good basis for punishment.

That said, I'd have her walk either way unless there's some really good reason not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn on the radio and drive. This is a phase. Don’t respond to her outbursts. If she says something that is truly over the line, say that’s over the line and that’s it.

This combined with this:
"I'd burst out laughing and say something like, "you're so cute when you get all huffy."

Either ignore or disarm her with CHEERINESS.

If she apologizes later in the day, ask her to try harder to keep the relentless criticism at bay, but that also you understand mornings can be stressful and that you love her, crabby mornings and all.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore the grumpiness.
She likely feels bad later but as a teen, she has little to no control over the moodiness. As her mom, you are her safe place.
She will remember the grace and acceptance.
Be the model of calm and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn on the radio and drive. This is a phase. Don’t respond to her outbursts. If she says something that is truly over the line, say that’s over the line and that’s it.

NP-I have an 18 yo who was like this then and is still like this now. In a way, I wish I had been stricter. I've tried to keep things very calm in the am, minimize any annoying talk, but he has not outgrown it. It makes me sad, and while I was able to not let it get to me when I thought it was developmentally appropriate, years of this is very tough. It's been interesting to me how as parents we are supposed to not have any feelings at all about situations that normally do hurt feelings.