We may be separating—still take the vacation?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have pretty much decided we may separate soon. We have a vacation this summer that’s fully paid for, and most of which is non-refundable. At this point, I don’t care about the money. But I do wonder how this vacation will affect DD13. Do we go and pretend all is well and allow her this final happy vacation, just to come home and drop the bombshell? Do we cancel altogether? Help me navigate this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what “pretty much decided” and “may” actually mean, but don’t worry about the vacation yet (it sounds like a distraction to avoid thinking about the harder things). As soon as you have actually figured out what you will do and specifically how it will impact her, then tell her shortly before she would notice any impacts and be prepared to talk about how she will be affected. What to do about the vacation will depend on the timing of this more important conversation.

[Anonymous]

I too would not even think about the vacation. You have other things to think about.

[Anonymous]

either go together.
or just 1 of you go and say the other has to "work"
don't skip a summer vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what “pretty much decided” and “may” actually mean, but don’t worry about the vacation yet (it sounds like a distraction to avoid thinking about the harder things). As soon as you have actually figured out what you will do and specifically how it will impact her, then tell her shortly before she would notice any impacts and be prepared to talk about how she will be affected. What to do about the vacation will depend on the timing of this more important conversation.

Sorry, I guess that was confusing!

We are currently in a silent separation of sorts. DH travels a lot for work and has been sleeping in our basement after DD goes to bed. It’s a trial and she may not even need to know, if we reconcile. So far, it’s been 8 months and she has no idea. I’m giving it until 12 months (September) to decide if one of us will move out and we will proceed with divorce, or if we will reconcile. We booked the vacation before we decided to trial separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what “pretty much decided” and “may” actually mean, but don’t worry about the vacation yet (it sounds like a distraction to avoid thinking about the harder things). As soon as you have actually figured out what you will do and specifically how it will impact her, then tell her shortly before she would notice any impacts and be prepared to talk about how she will be affected. What to do about the vacation will depend on the timing of this more important conversation.

Sorry, I guess that was confusing!

We are currently in a silent separation of sorts. DH travels a lot for work and has been sleeping in our basement after DD goes to bed. It’s a trial and she may not even need to know, if we reconcile. So far, it’s been 8 months and she has no idea. I’m giving it until 12 months (September) to decide if one of us will move out and we will proceed with divorce, or if we will reconcile. We booked the vacation before we decided to trial separate.

Are you getting along well enough to go on vacation together? That would be the big question for me. If the answer is no, I wouldn't do it - why put anyone through that.

If the answer is yes, I guess I'd be inclined to do it. But also I'd want to know why you are considering divorce? Not challenging you on your own life - you know it better than anyone.

[Anonymous]

Presumably you've had the same issues you have now for years, so what's the difference to your kid? They've noticed.

[Anonymous]

Just move out if you are unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Hiding things from your kids is what makes them not trust you. Kids know something is off. This is so much more destructive than just letting them know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hiding things from your kids is what makes them not trust you. Kids know something is off. This is so much more destructive than just letting them know.

No way a 13YO doesn't know one parent is sleeping in the basement for 8 months. Sounds like you don't know where things will stand this summer. Just let it play out. If you are actually separated then only one parent goes on the trip. If the trip is truly nonrefundable then you don't have to decide till you get much closer. Don't pretend to be a happy family. That will just make your kid question everything when you do finally come clean.

[Anonymous]

Op, what might decide it? Re: separation? It better be something evil or adultery or addiction or abuse. Don't wreak your kid's life over "maybe"

[Anonymous]

Can you divide the vacation btw the 2 of you? My exh and I have done this with driving-distance stuff like trips to the beach. The kids and I go for the first 3/4 days, then exh arrives and I leave and he is with the kids for the rest of the week. We both get to vacation w the kids and the kids get to have fun w both of us.

[Anonymous]

The guy is sleeping in the basement and you are still holding onto a reconciliation? Again, focus on the relationship, not the vacation. Stop wondering how the vacation will after your child instead worry about how the relationship between you and her father will affect her.

[Anonymous]

Agree w pp. kids know a lot more than parents think they do. Your 13 year old certainly knows things aren’t great between you 2, almost certainly knows her dad sleeps in the basement, probably feels uncomfortable being around you both when you’re together. If you continue pretending/hiding the truth, you will lose her trust. I don’t think you should cancel the trip if it’s something you’ve all been looking forward to and if you and your husband can be civil on the trip. But if none of you really want to go anyway and/or if you and your husband can’t be in the same vicinity of each other and act nice then cancel it.

Whether you go on the trip or not, you should talk to your spouse and your kid about the whole thing…communication is important and you can’t avoid this difficult discussion indefinitely so just do it now.

[Anonymous]

If you have not reconciled already...I think you know that you are not going to and sharing a bed on vacation would be ?? impossible for me at least.