Assisted living - realistic expectations

[Anonymous]

We had to move my mom into an assisted living facility fairly quickly due to some extenuating circumstances. She has significant physical limitations and probably some memory/very mild dementia issues but for the most part her challenges are physical (post-stroke about 6 months, limited mobility.) She is miserable, says the activities are all passive (movie, speakers etc) and hasn't yet made any social connections. We got fortunate in the place we found for her, it seems nice enough, has won some local "best of" type awards, but I get why she is unhappy. Whenever I"m here people just seem to be sitting in their rooms watching TV (with doors open to hallway.) So my question is - is this just what assisted living looks like everywhere? Do facilities exist that have engaging activities and decently social lives for residents? She wants to move to a better place but I'm not sure if that exists for her situation. Not in DMV so just wondering in general.

[Anonymous]

My mom complained there are no activities she wants to do. This is due to either to her depression, introversion, anxiety or dementia.

Have you seen the full list of activities for yourself? I'd be surprised if they are really all passive.

My mother won't do any art activities because she's "not an artist," and she won't attend any movies. She used to attend bingo--but only if her friend came to get her. But now that friend is quite sick, and my mother may have forgotten who she is. I don't know.

She attended a walking club two years ago and still talks about how she did not like it. For two years, this is has been a topic of conversation!

Dementia is a hard disease.

[Anonymous]

I would at least look at other places. Some are more vibrant than others. My MIL’s wasn’t great in all ways but had lots of activities and she enjoyed them.

[Anonymous]

Her misery is most likely caused by her circumstances and grief over the loss of the life she once had. Find out more about the place where she is and see what activities you think might be a match. Every move can cause decline and it's a common story that the dutiful adult child swoops in to rescue mom with a move to a new place or even takes in mom only to find mom still remains miserable. Medication may help with the adjustment and trying to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her misery is most likely caused by her circumstances and grief over the loss of the life she once had. Find out more about the place where she is and see what activities you think might be a match. Every move can cause decline and it's a common story that the dutiful adult child swoops in to rescue mom with a move to a new place or even takes in mom only to find mom still remains miserable. Medication may help with the adjustment and trying to make new friends.

So what then are the alternatives? My mom is currently 'living' in her home where she wants to remain. I say 'living' as she is confined to her lift chair all day, wearing a diaper, only risking using her walker to get to her bedroom each night. She falls constantly but thankfully has not broken anything. Yet. She adamantly refuses any in-house aide assistance despite having the resources. What are the alternatives in the future?

[Anonymous]

She's fine. There probably are not any better facilities for her or near her, TBH. Unless you can afford to pack up and move her into one of the very high-end facilities.

[Anonymous]

Agree to get a hold of the calendar for activities. Unfortunately there is a pretty steep drop in abilities from independent living to assisted. The commercials showing old people doing fun social events is based on independent living. Assisted is more like nursing homes with residents confined to beds or wheelchairs. An option could be an independent living and then you pay for additional care, but that's going to get pricey and may not be a viable option for long.

[Anonymous]

Are her physical limitations going to improve? You could look for more of an independent living place with higher levels of care for down the line. Then hire an aid to help in the short term.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? From what I've seen in AI, the average age seems to be approaching mid 80s. Looked for my dad and he deemed everyone "too old" and refuses to go.
Speak to a counselor there. They should have a way of making introductions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom complained there are no activities she wants to do. This is due to either to her depression, introversion, anxiety or dementia.

Have you seen the full list of activities for yourself? I'd be surprised if they are really all passive.

My mother won't do any art activities because she's "not an artist," and she won't attend any movies. She used to attend bingo--but only if her friend came to get her. But now that friend is quite sick, and my mother may have forgotten who she is. I don't know.

She attended a walking club two years ago and still talks about how she did not like it. For two years, this is has been a topic of conversation!

Dementia is a hard disease.

This. My mom says she is lonely and depressed, but when I take her to neighborhood social events or support groups, she doesn't talk to anyone or engage in any way. She has a garage of failed hobby attempts I've tried to get her interested in over the years. For all that people talk about kids these days and how they don't do anything but stare at their phones, my mom doesn't do anything but watch TV.

All that to say that it might not be the facility, OP. It might be your mom and this sad stage of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are her physical limitations going to improve? You could look for more of an independent living place with higher levels of care for down the line. Then hire an aid to help in the short term.

We found the truly independent and able-bodies, for lack of a better word-snubbed those who needed more help. They didn't want a reminder of where things might be headed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her misery is most likely caused by her circumstances and grief over the loss of the life she once had. Find out more about the place where she is and see what activities you think might be a match. Every move can cause decline and it's a common story that the dutiful adult child swoops in to rescue mom with a move to a new place or even takes in mom only to find mom still remains miserable. Medication may help with the adjustment and trying to make new friends.

So what then are the alternatives? My mom is currently 'living' in her home where she wants to remain. I say 'living' as she is confined to her lift chair all day, wearing a diaper, only risking using her walker to get to her bedroom each night. She falls constantly but thankfully has not broken anything. Yet. She adamantly refuses any in-house aide assistance despite having the resources. What are the alternatives in the future?

It's awful when they are stubborn, isn't it? We found residential much better even though they complain incessantly during the adjustment. The social interaction, eating in a dining room with others, activities-make a difference. When they adamantly refuse services it's really tough-been there. If they are cognitively capable, our experience is they are allowed to make really poor decisions as long as they don't put other lives at risk. We did find with one parent medication helped a ton with being open to help and adjusting, but it was a huge ordeal to get there and the doctor had to use therapeutic lies to convince. I find those with the most mental health issues are often the ones who stigmatize getting help the most. I think the doctor went the "you are so special and unique route"...most people go on x dose, but you just need a tiny bit because x, y,z. He basically gave her a normal starting dose and normal regular dose as she worked up, but she needed to hear she was superior to anyone else who needs meds and was on a much lower dose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to move my mom into an assisted living facility fairly quickly due to some extenuating circumstances. She has significant physical limitations and probably some memory/very mild dementia issues but for the most part her challenges are physical (post-stroke about 6 months, limited mobility.) She is miserable, says the activities are all passive (movie, speakers etc) and hasn't yet made any social connections. We got fortunate in the place we found for her, it seems nice enough, has won some local "best of" type awards, but I get why she is unhappy. Whenever I"m here people just seem to be sitting in their rooms watching TV (with doors open to hallway.) So my question is - is this just what assisted living looks like everywhere? Do facilities exist that have engaging activities and decently social lives for residents? She wants to move to a better place but I'm not sure if that exists for her situation. Not in DMV so just wondering in general.

No, not every place looks like that, there is huge variation. Go and visit as many as you can. Visiting in person is really the only way to get a good read on the atmosphere. Bonus points for facilities that will see you on short notice and at odd hours. Awards and reviews are one thing to check, but things change, ownership, significant staff turnover. I would not be so dismissive of your mom as some in this post. You are visiting and noticing that what she says is true. See if there is something better out there. If you can't find a better place, maybe the budget can accommodate some paid companions who will engage with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had to move my mom into an assisted living facility fairly quickly due to some extenuating circumstances. She has significant physical limitations and probably some memory/very mild dementia issues but for the most part her challenges are physical (post-stroke about 6 months, limited mobility.) She is miserable, says the activities are all passive (movie, speakers etc) and hasn't yet made any social connections. We got fortunate in the place we found for her, it seems nice enough, has won some local "best of" type awards, but I get why she is unhappy. Whenever I"m here people just seem to be sitting in their rooms watching TV (with doors open to hallway.) So my question is - is this just what assisted living looks like everywhere? Do facilities exist that have engaging activities and decently social lives for residents? She wants to move to a better place but I'm not sure if that exists for her situation. Not in DMV so just wondering in general.

No, not every place looks like that, there is huge variation. Go and visit as many as you can. Visiting in person is really the only way to get a good read on the atmosphere. Bonus points for facilities that will see you on short notice and at odd hours. Awards and reviews are one thing to check, but things change, ownership, significant staff turnover. I would not be so dismissive of your mom as some in this post. You are visiting and noticing that what she says is true. See if there is something better out there. If you can't find a better place, maybe the budget can accommodate some paid companions who will engage with her.

I might try to paid companion before making another move. The moves are so hard on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree to get a hold of the calendar for activities. Unfortunately there is a pretty steep drop in abilities from independent living to assisted. The commercials showing old people doing fun social events is based on independent living. Assisted is more like nursing homes with residents confined to beds or wheelchairs. An option could be an independent living and then you pay for additional care, but that's going to get pricey and may not be a viable option for long.

This (bolded) is exactly correct.

I'm sorry, OP, this is a sad but common story. People who skip over the independent living phase at these facilities and go straight to assisted living have a big shock, as do their families, because the activities available are not what they anticipated. Agree that you should ask the case managers and staff about what activities are available specifically for people in her care level.