Feel like I’m in middle or high school

[Anonymous]

So I quickly made friends with this woman who I was only loosely acquainted with. We had a lot in common and were both restarting our careers after some time off raising young kids.

I connected her to someone prominent in my community who was looking to hire someone part time. Since then, I’ve started to feel like she’s social climbing and that I’m not making the cut. We haven’t fought but I feel like she’s slow fading me.

I haven’t felt this weird since I was in middle or high school. Most of my women friends have been pretty low drama. At first I was wondering if I did something to make her upset and then I thought about it more and concluded it’s social climbing. The other friends she’s posting with are richer than me and they take more trips together. It does give me a bit of FOMO but I don’t really want to be friends with the other women, so not really. I guess it just makes me feel a little envious or left out.

Nothing really to ask. Similar stories of this happening to 30-40s women would make me feel better though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I quickly made friends with this woman who I was only loosely acquainted with. We had a lot in common and were both restarting our careers after some time off raising young kids.

I connected her to someone prominent in my community who was looking to hire someone part time. Since then, I’ve started to feel like she’s social climbing and that I’m not making the cut. We haven’t fought but I feel like she’s slow fading me.

I haven’t felt this weird since I was in middle or high school. Most of my women friends have been pretty low drama. At first I was wondering if I did something to make her upset and then I thought about it more and concluded it’s social climbing. The other friends she’s posting with are richer than me and they take more trips together. It does give me a bit of FOMO but I don’t really want to be friends with the other women, so not really. I guess it just makes me feel a little envious or left out.

Nothing really to ask. Similar stories of this happening to 30-40s women would make me feel better though.

the friendship didn’t actually take shape the way you expected. That happens sometimes, and it’s important to recognize it for what it is so you can move forward cleanly. You showed up with good intentions, and now you know where things stand. No need to hold space for something that isn’t there.

[Anonymous]

That happened to me. An old and dear friend moved to my city for a high-profile job. And then her kids joined my kids’ private school.

We had maybe a few weeks of fun old times together before she fell in with the rich-and-locally-famous crowd at school and in the neighborhood, and then I barely saw her until she eventually relocated several years later. When we did see each other, it was tough. 1:1 was fun but mostly she invited me to group things and I had to hear inside jokes about private jet rides to wineries and private suites for concerts.

It made me feel small and dumb and like the unwanted 7th grader at the cafeteria table, which I once was.

23:01 PP, your words are really helpful and I’m borrowing them for myself.

[Anonymous]

I'd move on.
You did her a great favor .. it somewhat backfired.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. My only advice would be to (a) enjoy the good friends you do have who aren't like that and (b) make sure you don't jeopardize your other friendships to try to win over this other woman. Basically, just spend time with your real friends who make you feel good.

[Anonymous]

She got what she wanted from you and moved on. Congrats you've just encountered 90% of the people in this area.

[Anonymous]

FFS, this jealousy over “social
Climbing” needs to stop.

Both these people were in your social group. So you already perceived one as lower and one as higher, and now you’re upset that the lower one is surpassing you somehow? So much dysfunction here. Feelings aren’t facts and not everyone is obsessed with status, or at least not in the capacity you seem to be.

I regularly put people In touch with one another . Maybe I’m not high “social status” in the way you wish you were, but I have great networking abilities with people of all sorts, and that makes me happy.

You rally just need to find happiness where you are OP, because you get one life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'd move on.
You did her a great favor .. it somewhat backfired.

How did it backfire? “Higher status” (which is how OP sees it, not how I do) people will always remember what you did. I’ve been the recipient of this in so many ways.

Favours like network contacts should be transactional, and to me it’s weird that you’ve made it that way. I’m not sure what you want from her?

Feelings aren’t facts, and your FOMO and whatever are on you, honestly. You could be networking more with this other person if it was what you wanted. Or maybe, these people socially click more than you do. That’s part of life, and it’s you making it more middle school by holding the fact that you introduced them as some kind of currency.

I know it hurts to be left out, but you need to reflect on your part. If it wasn’t that important to you before, why is it so important to you now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'd move on.
You did her a great favor .. it somewhat backfired.

How did it backfire? “Higher status” (which is how OP sees it, not how I do) people will always remember what you did. I’ve been the recipient of this in so many ways.

Favours like network contacts should be transactional, and to me it’s weird that you’ve made it that way. I’m not sure what you want from her?

Feelings aren’t facts, and your FOMO and whatever are on you, honestly. You could be networking more with this other person if it was what you wanted. Or maybe, these people socially click more than you do. That’s part of life, and it’s you making it more middle school by holding the fact that you introduced them as some kind of currency.

I know it hurts to be left out, but you need to reflect on your part. If it wasn’t that important to you before, why is it so important to you now?

How did it backfire?

OP cleary feels used.

[Anonymous]

Beware the quick intense friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'd move on.
You did her a great favor .. it somewhat backfired.

How did it backfire? “Higher status” (which is how OP sees it, not how I do) people will always remember what you did. I’ve been the recipient of this in so many ways.

Favours like network contacts should be transactional, and to me it’s weird that you’ve made it that way. I’m not sure what you want from her?

Feelings aren’t facts, and your FOMO and whatever are on you, honestly. You could be networking more with this other person if it was what you wanted. Or maybe, these people socially click more than you do. That’s part of life, and it’s you making it more middle school by holding the fact that you introduced them as some kind of currency.

I know it hurts to be left out, but you need to reflect on your part. If it wasn’t that important to you before, why is it so important to you now?

How did it backfire?

OP cleary feels used.

Feeling aren’t facts. Period!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'd move on.
You did her a great favor .. it somewhat backfired.

How did it backfire? “Higher status” (which is how OP sees it, not how I do) people will always remember what you did. I’ve been the recipient of this in so many ways.

Favours like network contacts should be transactional, and to me it’s weird that you’ve made it that way. I’m not sure what you want from her?

Feelings aren’t facts, and your FOMO and whatever are on you, honestly. You could be networking more with this other person if it was what you wanted. Or maybe, these people socially click more than you do. That’s part of life, and it’s you making it more middle school by holding the fact that you introduced them as some kind of currency.

I know it hurts to be left out, but you need to reflect on your part. If it wasn’t that important to you before, why is it so important to you now?

How did it backfire?

OP cleary feels used.

Feeling aren’t facts. Period!

Sometimes feelings actually are facts. OP - don't wait to be dropped. Go ahead and do the dropping. Stop reaching out. This person has shown you who she is. No need to invest more energy in the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I quickly made friends with this woman who I was only loosely acquainted with. We had a lot in common and were both restarting our careers after some time off raising young kids.

I connected her to someone prominent in my community who was looking to hire someone part time. Since then, I’ve started to feel like she’s social climbing and that I’m not making the cut. We haven’t fought but I feel like she’s slow fading me.

I haven’t felt this weird since I was in middle or high school. Most of my women friends have been pretty low drama. At first I was wondering if I did something to make her upset and then I thought about it more and concluded it’s social climbing. The other friends she’s posting with are richer than me and they take more trips together. It does give me a bit of FOMO but I don’t really want to be friends with the other women, so not really. I guess it just makes me feel a little envious or left out.

Nothing really to ask. Similar stories of this happening to 30-40s women would make me feel better though.

the friendship didn’t actually take shape the way you expected. That happens sometimes, and it’s important to recognize it for what it is so you can move forward cleanly. You showed up with good intentions, and now you know where things stand. No need to hold space for something that isn’t there.

I wish everyone on DCUM could respond like you have. Practical and wise but still kind.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this behavior is suprisingly common in your 30s and 40s. A lot of people are primarily looking to position themselves and their families well socially and financially, not to form real friendships or connect with people in a vulnerable or emotional way. I also learned this the hard way.

But now you know. She's a user, let her go. She's already let you go now that she's gotten what she wanted out of you, which was the connection to the prominent person.

Though I will say this: when this happened to me in my early 30s with a "friend" who used me to gain access to my longtime friend group (which includes some people who are well connected), I let go of the fake friend but fought for my friend group and won. And I'm still friends with those people (who I would never use for social or career benefit but care about as people who I have known since long before they had anything to offer in that respect) and the fake friend is not. In fact, that group is incredibly close now because we wound up doing a bubble during Covid and became surrogate family. I don't know what the fake friend did during Covid and I don't care, because she's a user and I never see her anymore.

Stick to your values, protect your friendships that are meaningful to you, and ignore the noise of people just trying to social climb or use others to advance themselves. You can't lose that way because you will have prioritized what really matters and you will be surrounded by people who do the same.

[Anonymous]

OP - I’m not jealous of being surpassed. I like my job and am on a good trajectory myself. I’m just bummed that we’re not close anymore. I genuinely liked her. It’s hard to make good friends.