How to find a sense of belonging?

[Anonymous]

I have lived in my area for 20 years and never found a sense of belonging here. We have no local family and didn't know anyone when we moved here. I have made a few mom friends but have no social circle and these have all been temporary friendships while the kids are in school or an activity together. Then when the kids change schools or the activity ends the friendships do too.

I am a member of a church, where I've tried to get involved, but have not found community or belonging there. Our neighborhood has not been good for this either, and I don't feel any sense of belonging there either. I work full-time, but I only go into the office once a week. I also joined several meetup groups but never found community there either.

This lack of belonging really bothers me and it makes me feel like we could move away from the area next week and we wouldn't really mind because we never formed roots here or found people who really care about us.

Anyone feel the same? What eventually helped with this painful feeling?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried inviting neighbors over? You could kick off summer with a lil backyard bbq.

[Anonymous]

Same, girl, same.

We moved from DC to the suburbs and no one blinked an eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same, girl, same.

We moved from DC to the suburbs and no one blinked an eye.

What had helped? Being appreciative of the one-on-one friendships I have found even if they are not the deepest, not giving up on making new friends, trying to be more neighborly, keeping in better touch with long distance family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lived in my area for 20 years and never found a sense of belonging here. We have no local family and didn't know anyone when we moved here. I have made a few mom friends but have no social circle and these have all been temporary friendships while the kids are in school or an activity together. Then when the kids change schools or the activity ends the friendships do too.

I am a member of a church, where I've tried to get involved, but have not found community or belonging there. Our neighborhood has not been good for this either, and I don't feel any sense of belonging there either. I work full-time, but I only go into the office once a week. I also joined several meetup groups but never found community there either.

This lack of belonging really bothers me and it makes me feel like we could move away from the area next week and we wouldn't really mind because we never formed roots here or found people who really care about us.

Anyone feel the same? What eventually helped with this painful feeling?

Volunteer for a cause you really care about.

[Anonymous]

Invite people over more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lived in my area for 20 years and never found a sense of belonging here. We have no local family and didn't know anyone when we moved here. I have made a few mom friends but have no social circle and these have all been temporary friendships while the kids are in school or an activity together. Then when the kids change schools or the activity ends the friendships do too.

I am a member of a church, where I've tried to get involved, but have not found community or belonging there. Our neighborhood has not been good for this either, and I don't feel any sense of belonging there either. I work full-time, but I only go into the office once a week. I also joined several meetup groups but never found community there either.

This lack of belonging really bothers me and it makes me feel like we could move away from the area next week and we wouldn't really mind because we never formed roots here or found people who really care about us.

Anyone feel the same? What eventually helped with this painful feeling?

You are one common factor among all of these failed attempts. May be reevaluate yourself to see if you are ignoring ones who want to be friends with you and going for ones you want to befriend. Once you start making friends, by default you connect with more people and find more likeminded ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same, girl, same.

We moved from DC to the suburbs and no one blinked an eye.

What had helped? Being appreciative of the one-on-one friendships I have found even if they are not the deepest, not giving up on making new friends, trying to be more neighborly, keeping in better touch with long distance family and friends.

+1 to all of this.

Identify acquaintances and casual friends that you actually feel like you have something in common with and have chemistry with. Take steps to elevate them to the next round of friendship. Suggest a coffee date or walk once in a while, text periodically when you come across things that might interest them or have things going on in your life to talk about. Actively try to build a connection. If you do actively try and people don’t seem receptive, move along to the next person.

Focus on people that have availability in their life for a new friend… like maybe a neighbor who is also new to the area and in the phase of life where they’re trying to meet people (not the one with tons of extended family in the area who also grew up here, so have a ton of high school friends close by).

You might have luck with transplants/expats/the international crowd. With this group, you could even invite them to something like Thanksgiving if you don’t have a lot of family coming yourself, as they might not really have anyone else to spend that type of a holiday with and would welcome your invitation.

Focus on one on one friendships and less on a group or circle.

If you make a mom friend at a certain place and then you guys both switched schools, be intentional about keeping in touch and getting together occasionally. A lot of times these friendships do have the potential to be maintained, and even become stronger, but it’s easy to let them fade away because everyone is busy.

Also, making an effort and keeping in touch with long distance friends either via text or phone calls once in a while or both is great. Same goes for local friends who then move away or move to the suburbs.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in this area for 35+ years. Here’s what I’ve done:

Organized dinners with the mothers my kids were in daycare/preschool with
Hosted families for Thanksgiving who had no local family
Hosted bday parties for my kids & included the parents
Volunteered for lots of causes
Joined a running group
Planned block parties
Invited women to join me on a walk, at a fundraiser etc.
Took up golf

Basically, it was a lot of work (and fun) but the benefit is I have dear friends amd neighbors who I’m grateful for. I’m an introvert so it was exhausting sometimes but totally worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in this area for 35+ years. Here’s what I’ve done:

Organized dinners with the mothers my kids were in daycare/preschool with
Hosted families for Thanksgiving who had no local family
Hosted bday parties for my kids & included the parents
Volunteered for lots of causes
Joined a running group
Planned block parties
Invited women to join me on a walk, at a fundraiser etc.
Took up golf

Basically, it was a lot of work (and fun) but the benefit is I have dear friends amd neighbors who I’m grateful for. I’m an introvert so it was exhausting sometimes but totally worth it!

I meant to say 25 years!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This lack of belonging really bothers me and it makes me feel like we could move away from the area next week and we wouldn't really mind because we never formed roots here or found people who really care about us.

Why are you so obsessed about the sense of belonging?
It’s actually a good thing to have the flexibility to move to a different area because you are not deeply attached to this area.

[Anonymous]

My child asked me today if I’m glad we moved 4 years ago. She was 9 then, 13 now, so I could tell her more.

I listed friends we had in our old state. Two moved away. One moved in the state but far enough that it wasn’t a daily/weekly contact anymore. One group of acquaintances. was like cousins/neighbors/same school conglomerate that I felt specially excluded from. A couple of more really good friends but our kids ages didn’t interact.

I missed not only having someone to turn to for a small, easy need (can you watch my kid for 30 minutes today?) But I also missed helping anyone in this exact way. I would have loved to help someone pick up their child from school, or a pregnancy/labor suddenly needing me to step in for the day.

We moved here. I have family, have made friends. The day my neighbor and friend called me and said, “my husband forgot that Kid has after school practice. So no bus. He’s with a client an hour away and I’m 30m away at work! Can you help get her.. Now?” I said yes, and dropped everything to go get her. It was what I’ve wanted (not for her kid to be left) but to help a friend like this.

I don’t think you need to move, but I know something will turn around. Be super open with a handful of people. Invite them over for a no-kids night for specialty pizza. They are looking for friendship too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a lot of PP advice but also want to acknowledge there is luck involved. We didn't have this but suddenly we do. But it still feels fragile as a lot is changing and some of our close connections may move

Overall I agree that you have to be very intentional about taking things to the next level. Meet a mom at school dropoff and chat a few times... Get her # and send an occasional text or pix, then turn that into a playdate or coffee or walk, etc.. It can feel stressful (is it mutual? Am I coming on too strong? Almost like dating). Some fizzle and some grow. But it does take time, investment, bandwidth.

Agree with a PP on inviting ppl to your house - neighbors or classmate families to a BBQ etc. It feels more like community /.connection than a park, play space etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lived in my area for 20 years and never found a sense of belonging here. We have no local family and didn't know anyone when we moved here. I have made a few mom friends but have no social circle and these have all been temporary friendships while the kids are in school or an activity together. Then when the kids change schools or the activity ends the friendships do too.

I am a member of a church, where I've tried to get involved, but have not found community or belonging there. Our neighborhood has not been good for this either, and I don't feel any sense of belonging there either. I work full-time, but I only go into the office once a week. I also joined several meetup groups but never found community there either.

This lack of belonging really bothers me and it makes me feel like we could move away from the area next week and we wouldn't really mind because we never formed roots here or found people who really care about us.

Anyone feel the same? What eventually helped with this painful feeling?

Wow, I could've written this. I've been here for about 13 years. I'm finally making some progress since having kids.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I think you have to hack your brain. Tell yourself that these are your people and you belong with them. Put out that energy and it will influence what you get back.

I'm reading Our Tribal Future, and it's about how we are programmed to identify with a small tribe of people. That impulse can be positive or negative (leading to isolation or fanaticism).

It's not easy in our modern society. You may briefly have a group of people all focused on one thing together - the preschool years, or an election campaign, or a close knit neighborhood - but then it's over or people move away, etc. So you have to be intentional about it . . . volunteering somewhere, or joining a hobby group, or finding a faith community. My church is pretty small, which helps. Even though I don't go as often as I'd like, I do feel like I am known and appreciated and supported. Maybe yours isn't the right fit for you.