Parent in the sunset years of their child’s school career

[Anonymous]

We had a big school event tonight and I came home feeling sad and unsettled. My child is in the older 1/3rd of grades at our school and suddenly at school events I don’t know many people and realized that a lot of the people I used to socialize with at school events have kids who have graduated and/or are about to, so they’ve moved on.

It felt really weird to be in a crowd where most of the parents were more than a decade younger than me. I didn’t recognize the majority of the crowd and have never overlapped with them at volunteer commitments or activities.

Parents of kids who have gone through many grades at their school, talk me through this. I thought it would be gradual but it wasn’t. One day I was helping the with the preschool Halloween parties and crafts and lunches and Girl Scouts, and now I’m just popping in for l teacher conferences twice a year. I’m that old person at school cocktail nights that only know a table’s worth of families. It feels like I messed up and dropped a ball somewhere, but I was just following my child’s growing independence.

Should I try to re-engage at my kid’s school, or is this a natural progression and something I just need to accept? I feel sad and am wondering if I should have worked harder to stay connected. We only have one kid so I think that my parent friends with younger kids are experiencing this quite differently.

[Anonymous]

It is a natural progression. The involvement in your kids’ life at school changes dramatically in middle school. And that’s good for your kids! Time for them to gain independence & get out there. A little sad for us parents, though. I did grieve the days that you mention, volunteering in school & at activities. Rather than try to get more involved now (which your dc will not want), I’d channel your energies into what you want to do. You enjoyed that part of life, now what would you like to enjoy in the next phase?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a natural progression. The involvement in your kids’ life at school changes dramatically in middle school. And that’s good for your kids! Time for them to gain independence & get out there. A little sad for us parents, though. I did grieve the days that you mention, volunteering in school & at activities. Rather than try to get more involved now (which your dc will not want), I’d channel your energies into what you want to do. You enjoyed that part of life, now what would you like to enjoy in the next phase?

That’s good advice. Maybe this is dumb, but there have been some years when the there are groups of parents of older kids who everyone looks up to and who do a good job of staying connected and being seen as leaders in the parent community. Our cohort is probably less cohesive because there are a ton of siblings. The parents seem split between identifying more with the younger siblings’ grade or the older siblings’ grade, and so its role in the school is a bit diminished.

I think what I’m also feeling is that my kid ended up by their choice on the fringes of the school community and chose a really intense activity outside of school. It sort of shut me out of the school activities that kept some parents connected.

I’ve always been on the outside of institutions and communities I’ve been an official part of and I tried to invest differently in this particular school community. I’m kicking myself for not doing a better job of it. Lots to unpack here so thank you for prompting a free self-therapy insomnia session.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP above, this is the natural history of the school parent process. I remember when we started this stage of life, there were all of these older parents who seemed quite cool and interesting, but they seemed oddly detached and disengaged from an environment that to me seemed generally quite positive to me—filled with interesting and accomplished people of the sort most would be happy to get to know. They seemed a little closed to socializing, rather more negative about some of the drawbacks of the school, etc. etc. I didn’t get it. On the other side, I understand it better now. There is an inherent transactionality to most of the relationships you make in that environment which becomes evident over time; people necessarily become more inward looking as they approach the end game; if the environment is a more competitive one, the zero-sum nature of the college admissions game just kind of inherently sours the vibe in some way, even though most people don’t really want that to happen in my experience. You didn’t do anything wrong, it is the nature of the experience, beyond your or anybody else’s real control. At the end of the day, you and the other parents are mostly just colleagues/co-workers, and now that the job is mostly done, most of the relationships drop away. If you make one or two real friends from this phase that you have ongoing relationships with, you’re a winner. But you can never go back to the vibe of helping you children do crafts or dropping them at sleep overs or whatever, when the issues now are “who’s vaping weed” or “Larla wanted to go to college X but Larlo got in instead.” Sic transit gloria mundi.

[Anonymous]

Natural progression. This is why you should have your own life and friends outside of your kids.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids and it was very different with each. They are five years apart. Let me explain.

My older one is a boy and went to Gonzaga after attending public school through 8th grade. I felt that my involvement in his school ramped up significantly when he started there. There are so many opportunities for parents to engage. It was tough to fully get involved because I had a younger girl, but I will cherish the times I had to be with other parents and make the small impact I did.

My younger one went to Stone Ridge starting in 9th. Very very different experience. This may be due to the fact that it's a K-12 where there are many young families in lower school are very involved. Also, with the high school families, many cliques that had formed through the lower and middle school grades and it is hard work to get to know them. Had I realized this dynamic, I would have enrolled her in a high school without the lower grades. DD took a while to find her people due to this dynamic as well.

Just something to think about for those who haven't gotten to this stage.

[Anonymous]

This seems normal.

In high school they need parents to do the heavy lift on some things but the kids usually don't want the parents there. Don't get me wrong, the kids need you but they need you present in their lives, present at home, able to advise, able to get them where they need to go and support them. They do not need mom setting up a bake sale and selling popcorn at the field hockey game everywhere they turn when they are 16.

We are super involved parents, go to all games, go to the school events, and are a taxi driver for our kid and their friends when asked. We donate money and time when asked and have been to a handful of parent events, but we are not PTA parents who have tons of parent friends at school. We can always make polite conversation but we are mucn more like you describe. My sister OTOH is a PTA mom. She is a SAHM and at the high school probably 3 days a week. I am confident she adds value but I am also pretty sure her kids feel suffocated. I worry about her identity when her kids graduate in a few years because everything she does is wrapped up in their school. You're doing just fine.

[Anonymous]

Hey there -this is normal - I have multiple kids ranging from lower school to upper School, and everything is relative (I seem like the "old parent" probably to the lower grade parents; and probably seem too young for the other parents).

Volunteer, go on walks with parents, meet people that way.

[Anonymous]

I don't quite understand your situation, OP. I have a kid in college and a kid in high school. Until my oldest left for college, I could always find people I knew at his high school gatherings. Same now for my high schooler, who is a different school. I know people in both school systems and have volunteered extensively for both.

Also, I had my kids young, so I've ALWAYS been the odd one out, age-wise, at any school get-together. This has never bothered me. Also, I'm not American, so I've had to get used to American ways of doing things. Not a problem.

From where I sit, it seems like you expect social relationships to be handed to you on a silver platter, and perhaps until now, this is what happened. For people like me, who are and look inherently different, this has never been the case, so I take very minor changes in stride.

[Anonymous]

"Sunset years"?

I could tell immediately that you were overdramatic even before reading your very banal situation. Please, get it together. This is normal life. I'm sure you can talk with parents of kids in the same grade as yours.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, op. I’ve been very engaged at my kids K-8, between being a room parent and on the PTO board and such. But my eldest is in high school now and my youngest is in 7th grade, and I definitely feel like my time there is coming to an end and it makes me a bit sad. It’s a transition.

I remember when my kids were little and on the PTO board and we had a hard time getting the middle school parents to volunteer, but now that I’m there, I get it .

[Anonymous]

Honestly I’m jealous that you were once that engaged in the school community! I’m a younger parent and have tried but not gotten much friendliness beyond the fake “Hiiii how are you?” at school events followed by looking past me for someone better to talk to. I still volunteer and keep in touch with a couple of other genuinely kind parents, but I’m nowhere close to knowing a table full of people well lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sunset years"?

I could tell immediately that you were overdramatic even before reading your very banal situation. Please, get it together. This is normal life. I'm sure you can talk with parents of kids in the same grade as yours.

NP here: Gee, that’s really constructive and insightful, thanks PP. I’m sorry that your life is in such a state that being mean to people on the internet seems like a good use of your time.

[Anonymous]

I know what you are talking about, OP. There are years when you seem to know everyone. When you come in, every is ahead of you, you get involved and meet everyone and form some groups - all your year and ahead of you. Year by year, chunks of those people graduate and move on. Meanwhile, new families are coming up behind you, but for some reason, you seem to get to know fewer of them -- not no one, but also not everyone. So one day you look around and everyone is behind you, and you realize you only know a handful of families, often those with kids in older and younger grades and those who volunteer a lot. You have this moment of, "I use dot know everyone!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't quite understand your situation, OP. I have a kid in college and a kid in high school. Until my oldest left for college, I could always find people I knew at his high school gatherings. Same now for my high schooler, who is a different school. I know people in both school systems and have volunteered extensively for both.

Also, I had my kids young, so I've ALWAYS been the odd one out, age-wise, at any school get-together. This has never bothered me. Also, I'm not American, so I've had to get used to American ways of doing things. Not a problem.

From where I sit, it seems like you expect social relationships to be handed to you on a silver platter, and perhaps until now, this is what happened. For people like me, who are and look inherently different, this has never been the case, so I take very minor changes in stride.

HS is different. This sounds like a preschool-8th or k-12 and is very similar to how I felt from the time our last was in 5th grade or so. We were at our preschool 3s-8th grade school for a million years and by the last few years I was 20 years older than some of the new preschool parents and had no idea what was going on below 6th grade.