Being part of the alphabet soup isn't a "be a jerk free" pass

[Anonymous]

I'm noticing more and more, especially with the "baby gays", this mentality of using queerness or alphabet identity as some kind of shield or dodge of bad behavior. I've had people screw up, then claim I can't be upset because they're part of a marginalized group, and even had someone tell me that I can't be upset with them because it would be anti-gay. Maybe I'm just an old fag, but it's really offputting to hear a mostly-younger generation so caught up in their identifiers that they forget their base humanity and agency. Queer or not, you can choose to be decent or a jerk. Being queer isn't a defense for crappy behavior. If anything, you make the rest of us look bad.

Listen... No matter how you personally identify, your integrity is your integrity (or lack thereof). If you do a crappy thing, it's not because you're gay. By the same hand, being alphabet doesn't act as some kind of immunity for the jerkish thing you did. Everybody is capable of being a jerk, and everyone is responsible for their behavior and choices. Your pronouns don't matter nearly as much as your dignity. Do better. Be better.

[Anonymous]

I've never seen that with LGBTQ+. I've seen it with psychiatric disorders (autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), and in those situations there are, in certain cases, accommodations to make. But I agree you cannot use a label as a Get Out of Jail Free card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never seen that with LGBTQ+. I've seen it with psychiatric disorders (autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), and in those situations there are, in certain cases, accommodations to make. But I agree you cannot use a label as a Get Out of Jail Free card.

I've also seen it in the disability community. While it probably sounds somewhat ableist, it seems to happen much more with invisible disabilities than physical/obvious disabilities. As an obviously-disabled person (who can barely pass as a normie on the very best of days, for a very limited time), it's really frustrating to see people who can do more expecting to get away with less and using their disability as some kind of pass. Same as the alphabet poster. I already face scrutiny for being queer. I don't want people to think being queer means I'm going to be a jerk and expect to get away with it.

[Anonymous]

My workplace had a super young guy whose BF was always showing up to hang. The boss delicately told him that no outsiders were allowed in the laboratory for a myriad of reasons and he took it to the c-suite that the boss was anti-gay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm noticing more and more, especially with the "baby gays", this mentality of using queerness or alphabet identity as some kind of shield or dodge of bad behavior. I've had people screw up, then claim I can't be upset because they're part of a marginalized group, and even had someone tell me that I can't be upset with them because it would be anti-gay. Maybe I'm just an old fag, but it's really offputting to hear a mostly-younger generation so caught up in their identifiers that they forget their base humanity and agency. Queer or not, you can choose to be decent or a jerk. Being queer isn't a defense for crappy behavior. If anything, you make the rest of us look bad.

Listen... No matter how you personally identify, your integrity is your integrity (or lack thereof). If you do a crappy thing, it's not because you're gay. By the same hand, being alphabet doesn't act as some kind of immunity for the jerkish thing you did. Everybody is capable of being a jerk, and everyone is responsible for their behavior and choices. Your pronouns don't matter nearly as much as your dignity. Do better. Be better.

I’m actually curious what it was that happened to trigger you to make such a long post, would you mind sharing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never seen that with LGBTQ+. I've seen it with psychiatric disorders (autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), and in those situations there are, in certain cases, accommodations to make. But I agree you cannot use a label as a Get Out of Jail Free card.

I've also seen it in the disability community. While it probably sounds somewhat ableist, it seems to happen much more with invisible disabilities than physical/obvious disabilities. As an obviously-disabled person (who can barely pass as a normie on the very best of days, for a very limited time), it's really frustrating to see people who can do more expecting to get away with less and using their disability as some kind of pass. Same as the alphabet poster. I already face scrutiny for being queer. I don't want people to think being queer means I'm going to be a jerk and expect to get away with it.

NP. I see this quite a bit in disability. In particular I have personal experience with abusers using the language of disability advocacy to justify abuse. I have a friend whose husband was physically abusive but claimed that it was his disabilities that made him abusive. She is a healthcare worker prone to compassion and put up with horrific abuse because she had been trained to essentially accept terrible behavior because of disability. He is disabled, but he is also an abuser.

He threatened to kill her with an axe, and used that axe to smash all the family photos in the house when he had one of his rages. And he claimed that it was his disability that caused it, so she was being ableist in fleeing. “In sickness and in health, and I am sick.”

[Anonymous]

I have seen this in some pockets, and in older generations too (older meaning millennial and some Gen X). A sense of entitlement that is bizarre to me given the context. At one point I worked in a workplace that was probably 60% or more queer folks, and everyone was very open minded and tolerant, and I experienced and witness more physical and verbal harassment in that job than anywhere else. And yeah, some people think that having a marginalized identity is a weird get out of jail free card for their bad behavior.

Also therapy speak is so common in LGBTQ+ communities because sooooo many of us have had therapy or been exposed to it in various settings, and people will absolutely manipulate that to justify crappy behavior.

Now I work in a corporate environment that is perfectly friendly and welcoming to my identity (like I am out and no one has ever made me feel uncomfortable or judged) but it's a much more controlled, buttoned up environment and it's so much better. Like no one talks about butt plugs at work and no one has ever slapped my butt or gotten their grind on in the office kitchen. It's sad when corporate America is bigger on consent and professionalism than a gay-owned business. Get it together folks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never seen that with LGBTQ+. I've seen it with psychiatric disorders (autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), and in those situations there are, in certain cases, accommodations to make. But I agree you cannot use a label as a Get Out of Jail Free card.

I've also seen it in the disability community. While it probably sounds somewhat ableist, it seems to happen much more with invisible disabilities than physical/obvious disabilities. As an obviously-disabled person (who can barely pass as a normie on the very best of days, for a very limited time), it's really frustrating to see people who can do more expecting to get away with less and using their disability as some kind of pass. Same as the alphabet poster. I already face scrutiny for being queer. I don't want people to think being queer means I'm going to be a jerk and expect to get away with it.

NP. I see this quite a bit in disability. In particular I have personal experience with abusers using the language of disability advocacy to justify abuse. I have a friend whose husband was physically abusive but claimed that it was his disabilities that made him abusive. She is a healthcare worker prone to compassion and put up with horrific abuse because she had been trained to essentially accept terrible behavior because of disability. He is disabled, but he is also an abuser.

He threatened to kill her with an axe, and used that axe to smash all the family photos in the house when he had one of his rages. And he claimed that it was his disability that caused it, so she was being ableist in fleeing. “In sickness and in health, and I am sick.”

Exactly! You're not an ass because you're disabled/gay. You're disabled/gay AND an ass. They're not synonymous, and nobody owes you a pass for the ass because of the disability/queerness.

Also? WOW, what an ass!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm noticing more and more, especially with the "baby gays", this mentality of using queerness or alphabet identity as some kind of shield or dodge of bad behavior. I've had people screw up, then claim I can't be upset because they're part of a marginalized group, and even had someone tell me that I can't be upset with them because it would be anti-gay. Maybe I'm just an old fag, but it's really offputting to hear a mostly-younger generation so caught up in their identifiers that they forget their base humanity and agency. Queer or not, you can choose to be decent or a jerk. Being queer isn't a defense for crappy behavior. If anything, you make the rest of us look bad.

Listen... No matter how you personally identify, your integrity is your integrity (or lack thereof). If you do a crappy thing, it's not because you're gay. By the same hand, being alphabet doesn't act as some kind of immunity for the jerkish thing you did. Everybody is capable of being a jerk, and everyone is responsible for their behavior and choices. Your pronouns don't matter nearly as much as your dignity. Do better. Be better.

I’m actually curious what it was that happened to trigger you to make such a long post, would you mind sharing?

More than just one thing. Enough things often enough that it deserved a vagueified PSA-style post instead of a direct/personal rant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never seen that with LGBTQ+. I've seen it with psychiatric disorders (autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), and in those situations there are, in certain cases, accommodations to make. But I agree you cannot use a label as a Get Out of Jail Free card.

I've seen it in both. It's just a sign of immaturity -- people will grasp onto anything that might explain or justify bad behavior rather than take responsibility. But it's not about being gay or having ADHD. It's about being an immature person and doing hurtful or offensive things, and then just reaching for "you can't be mad at me, you have to feel sorry for me instead" because that's easier to them than apologizing or being accountable.

I tell my own kid that there is no excuse for mistreating people. EVEN if your disability or past experiences contributed to your bad behavior. You're still responsible. A lot of people obviously didn't get this message though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My workplace had a super young guy whose BF was always showing up to hang. The boss delicately told him that no outsiders were allowed in the laboratory for a myriad of reasons and he took it to the c-suite that the boss was anti-gay!

This isn't my example, but this is near-exactly what I've seen. "You can't punish me for violating the rule that applied evenly to everyone. If you do, you're anti-gay." Total ass behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm noticing more and more, especially with the "baby gays", this mentality of using queerness or alphabet identity as some kind of shield or dodge of bad behavior. I've had people screw up, then claim I can't be upset because they're part of a marginalized group, and even had someone tell me that I can't be upset with them because it would be anti-gay. Maybe I'm just an old fag, but it's really offputting to hear a mostly-younger generation so caught up in their identifiers that they forget their base humanity and agency. Queer or not, you can choose to be decent or a jerk. Being queer isn't a defense for crappy behavior. If anything, you make the rest of us look bad.

Listen... No matter how you personally identify, your integrity is your integrity (or lack thereof). If you do a crappy thing, it's not because you're gay. By the same hand, being alphabet doesn't act as some kind of immunity for the jerkish thing you did. Everybody is capable of being a jerk, and everyone is responsible for their behavior and choices. Your pronouns don't matter nearly as much as your dignity. Do better. Be better.

This isn't an "alphabet soup" thing -- it's a more general issue with Generation Z. While most younger generations go through this, there's a huge element of them lacking any humility, not knowing what they don't know and being frequently wrong and rarely in doubt. The main difference from them and previous generations in their youth is they're more belligerent about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm noticing more and more, especially with the "baby gays", this mentality of using queerness or alphabet identity as some kind of shield or dodge of bad behavior. I've had people screw up, then claim I can't be upset because they're part of a marginalized group, and even had someone tell me that I can't be upset with them because it would be anti-gay. Maybe I'm just an old fag, but it's really offputting to hear a mostly-younger generation so caught up in their identifiers that they forget their base humanity and agency. Queer or not, you can choose to be decent or a jerk. Being queer isn't a defense for crappy behavior. If anything, you make the rest of us look bad.

Listen... No matter how you personally identify, your integrity is your integrity (or lack thereof). If you do a crappy thing, it's not because you're gay. By the same hand, being alphabet doesn't act as some kind of immunity for the jerkish thing you did. Everybody is capable of being a jerk, and everyone is responsible for their behavior and choices. Your pronouns don't matter nearly as much as your dignity. Do better. Be better.

This isn't an "alphabet soup" thing -- it's a more general issue with Generation Z. While most younger generations go through this, there's a huge element of them lacking any humility, not knowing what they don't know and being frequently wrong and rarely in doubt. The main difference from them and previous generations in their youth is they're more belligerent about it.

God, grant me the confidence of a mediocre... Gen Zed? Probably, though. This tracks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never seen that with LGBTQ+. I've seen it with psychiatric disorders (autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), and in those situations there are, in certain cases, accommodations to make. But I agree you cannot use a label as a Get Out of Jail Free card.

I've also seen it in the disability community. While it probably sounds somewhat ableist, it seems to happen much more with invisible disabilities than physical/obvious disabilities. As an obviously-disabled person (who can barely pass as a normie on the very best of days, for a very limited time), it's really frustrating to see people who can do more expecting to get away with less and using their disability as some kind of pass. Same as the alphabet poster. I already face scrutiny for being queer. I don't want people to think being queer means I'm going to be a jerk and expect to get away with it.

NP. I see this quite a bit in disability. In particular I have personal experience with abusers using the language of disability advocacy to justify abuse. I have a friend whose husband was physically abusive but claimed that it was his disabilities that made him abusive. She is a healthcare worker prone to compassion and put up with horrific abuse because she had been trained to essentially accept terrible behavior because of disability. He is disabled, but he is also an abuser.

He threatened to kill her with an axe, and used that axe to smash all the family photos in the house when he had one of his rages. And he claimed that it was his disability that caused it, so she was being ableist in fleeing. “In sickness and in health, and I am sick.”

What disability could you possibly use as an excuse for that kind of horrid behaviour?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm noticing more and more, especially with the "baby gays", this mentality of using queerness or alphabet identity as some kind of shield or dodge of bad behavior. I've had people screw up, then claim I can't be upset because they're part of a marginalized group, and even had someone tell me that I can't be upset with them because it would be anti-gay. Maybe I'm just an old fag, but it's really offputting to hear a mostly-younger generation so caught up in their identifiers that they forget their base humanity and agency. Queer or not, you can choose to be decent or a jerk. Being queer isn't a defense for crappy behavior. If anything, you make the rest of us look bad.

Listen... No matter how you personally identify, your integrity is your integrity (or lack thereof). If you do a crappy thing, it's not because you're gay. By the same hand, being alphabet doesn't act as some kind of immunity for the jerkish thing you did. Everybody is capable of being a jerk, and everyone is responsible for their behavior and choices. Your pronouns don't matter nearly as much as your dignity. Do better. Be better.

This isn't an "alphabet soup" thing -- it's a more general issue with Generation Z. While most younger generations go through this, there's a huge element of them lacking any humility, not knowing what they don't know and being frequently wrong and rarely in doubt. The main difference from them and previous generations in their youth is they're more belligerent about it.

I feel like Gen Z makes their identity, if you’ll excuse my borrowing their turn of phrase, their whole personality. Like, I am gay and have been gay for a very long time. But it’s a pretty small proportion of how I see myself, I am a wife and a mother and an employee and a lot of other things far more saliently than I am a gay person.

I think it’s part of how everything is seen through a tribal lens these days. You’re supposed to immediately identify your tribe and then anything that happens to you, happens to you because you are a member of that tribe.

It seems pretty messed up to me.