How to handle co-ex gatherings?
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Anonymous
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DD14 has a close friend. The girls get together often but the one thing about this friend’s parents is, they come and go when girlfriends are over. Sometimes no adult is home for periods of time. I’m generally fine with this because they are high schoolers, but it’s a thing I keep in mind.
Tonight this friend had her first co-ed get together. I didn’t even know about it until this evening when DD told me about it, confessing that she didn’t want to go because she didn’t want to hang out with some of the boys who would be attending. I thought to myself but didn’t say out loud, that I likely wouldn’t have allowed her to go anyway, considering how the parents come and go like they do. But now I’m wondering, as she is getting older, how this should work going forward. I know the question is “will the parents be there”, and in this friend’s case, the answer is usually “yes”, but I have no faith that the parents won’t leave and things will get out of hand or the kids will abuse this. Is she just never allowed to go to this house when we know boys will be there, since it’s likely parents WON’T? Or do you at some point just drop the reins and trust your parenting? |
Anonymous
| Your DD should use her common sense and not hang out with people she doesn't feel comfortable around. Most boys are perfectly fine left unsupervised in coed situations. |
Anonymous
I am proud of her because it seems she did use her common sense. It makes me feel better to hear that the boys behave unsupervised. I worry, as they get older, they would take advantage of having the house to themselves. |
Anonymous
| Tell her to say she cannot go and blame you. |
Anonymous
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It’s kind of a tough issue. In my kids’ circles a lot of things are impromptu. So all of a sudden I could have a bunch of kids coming over tonight and the ride home from work for one of mine will fall through and I’ll have to run out for 20
Minutes or send an uber for a kid too young for an uber, which I’m unlikely to do. Probably happened like twice ever in a decade and a half of raising teens. But point is, not everything is predictable. That being said, my kids exercised good decision making with friend choices. And I know most parents because of being involved in school and sports activities. So it is easy for me to send a text that I’m running out and they have the option of picking up their kids. Also every kid knows if they want to come back they need to be respectful. And you will definitely have to get your comfort level. For us, almost all gatherings were always at our house. So I didnt have your concerns. But I worked to make this happen because as a kid who was left to my own devices and a lawyer, I know how little you can control outside of your own house. And before people jump all over me, my kids are well adjusted, have boundaries and recognize risks. I just am glad to have been able to support them in their decision making. |
Anonymous
| My DD would not want to be around any boys either. The girl should have told you in advance. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, I’d be fine with this. Parents are barely supervising anyhow when teens are over. A parent running out for 20 min or an hour or something will make little/no difference in the teens’ behavior. This isn’t the same as “parents gone for the weekend” house parties, which I would not allow attendance, because those do get out of hand.
I really don’t remember parents of any of my friends being around regularly when we would hang out at houses. They certainly weren’t frequently checking on us, if they were. We were good kids and generally didn’t get into trouble, even in co-ed situations. My first experience with alcohol was one where the parent was home, probably bought it, definitely knew we were getting stupid drunk in the backyard. But good think she was home, because I got so sick and she took me in the house and took care of me while I threw up many, many times and didn’t call my parents. |
Anonymous
| You tell her that if she’s in a position like that to call you and you will come get her. |
Anonymous
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Leave it up to your DD. Make sure she has a cell phone and tell her you will pick her up any time, any place, no questions asked. This isn’t about this house only but about the future too. It’s good for her to know she can call you for a ride if she ever is uncomfortable.
As others said, by this age they hang out spontaneously. I don’t feel the need to stay home and supervise my teens. My youngest is 14. |
Anonymous
| That’s weird. I think I would say these gatherings need to be at your house. 14 is too young to be thrown into a situation with no adult around. |
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s “weird” at all when it’s spontaneous. I would walk home from school with friends and we would often end up at someone’s house while parents were still at work. Something just feels different, though, when a group of boys and girls have a PLANNED gathering and the host child knows their parent will be away. |
Anonymous
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Depends on the time of day for me. If they’re hanging out during the day it’s fine. I’d let my DD go hang out.
I’d probably be ok with early evening too. Late evening into night time would be a no. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like the parents are just going about their day most of the time which is totally normal for this age. There’s a difference between running errands and being out of town. If there is a sleepover or late night function with a bigger group go ahead and text the parents to make sure they will be home but I’d let it go otherwise. |
Anonymous
That’s bizarre. My teen daughters have always had friends that are boys, they aren’t another species. |
Anonymous
| Do what works for your family. My 14 y.o. DD is not allowed to go to co-ed hangouts without parental supervision |