Anyone have different relationships with both parents? Need help navigating.

[Anonymous]

After years of conflict, I have come to the decision that I need some space from one parent. I don’t want to cut off completely but a low level of contact. I have no issues with the other parent. That parent knows of our issues , understands them, but would not support going low/no contact.

For those who have fractured relationships with only one parent, how did you navigate this?

When I call to talk with one parent, the other parent grabs the phone, wants to have a jolly (and fake) conversation, wants to be able to tell family and friends we are close. I have tried for years but for numerous reasons am no longer able to do that.

Is is possible to do this? I don’t want to cut off both parents. I have reduced contact generally and find myself missing the connection with the one parent.

[Anonymous]

It's very challenging. I was closer to my dad. It was easiest when my mom went through a phase of hating me and giving me the silent treatment. Then she just gave the phone to him and if I visited, she stayed out of the room.

Then keeping up appearances became important when outsiders asked questions which made it harder. However, as he aged, she started to resent and hate him (even though she had 24-7 help and our blessing to have him in Memory care) so she was glad to leave the house, but I had to intervene to get her to stop being verbally and emotionally abusive to him.

Once he was in Memory care it was easy, but he was no longer himself .

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced so it made no contact with the one parent easier..

However, the other parent is aware.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's possible. I also had a good relationship with dad (with whom I was similar by personality), but not with mom, with whom the s* pretty much hit the fan by my teenage years. Once, 25 years ago, I sat them both down and "had a talk", the result of it was that mom denied everything (in fact I was the horrible one) and dad pretty much said he's not getting involved. At that point I realized that both of them get something out of it (as a parent myself now, with teenagers, there's no way I would not get involved if their dad did even 1/10 of what my mom did). Long story short, the older they got, the more mom started to dominate the conversation and our interaction, and dad kind of gave up. We Facetimed and as you say, she pretty much forced dad out of the picture by sticking her face into the screen or told him to go get something from the kitchen and so-on. Dad was always in better health and I was hoping he'll outlive her, but he passed away during Covid. My relationship with mom blew up after I tried to dance her dance for the next 2 years and now I'm only in touch on holidays and birthdays. She's not interested in my kids at all (and as they're not conditioned, they don't get "hooked") the same as she was never interested in me. As you say about your fake interaction, I also in the end felt like I'm performing in some scripted performance where she's the queen and I'm the servant/audience, where the play was a complete tragedy with her as the suffering victim protagonist. Unfortunately the play is still ongoing, only the audience has left.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't figure it out either: I cut off both for 6 months due to the egregious acts of my mother, but my father is entirely under her thumb and I missed him, so I renewed contact. Their dynamic will never change - I have to sustain a certain level of contact with my mother to check on how my father is doing.

[Anonymous]

You answered your own question- your dad wouldn't support this, so no.

Sorry you are going thru this- it certainly isn't ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of conflict, I have come to the decision that I need some space from one parent. I don’t want to cut off completely but a low level of contact. I have no issues with the other parent. That parent knows of our issues , understands them, but would not support going low/no contact.

For those who have fractured relationships with only one parent, how did you navigate this?

When I call to talk with one parent, the other parent grabs the phone, wants to have a jolly (and fake) conversation, wants to be able to tell family and friends we are close. I have tried for years but for numerous reasons am no longer able to do that.

Is is possible to do this? I don’t want to cut off both parents. I have reduced contact generally and find myself missing the connection with the one parent.

You can fluctuate frequency of contact depending on how you feel but be grateful they try and don't try to assume you know why they try.

[Anonymous]

Do your parents do anything socially separately? For example, you could call your dad when she is at book club?

[Anonymous]

^ this

[Anonymous]

OP here. I feel so much of what I read in your posts. I didn’t include the parent intentionally in my OP, but it is the same dynamic as others describe with their mother. So interesting that it seems to be that way.

I do know that my mom did more to raise me; my dad did a lot but was not a 2025 dad by any means. I carry guilt about now having a better relationship with my dad, but my mom regularly rewrites history, denies and never ever admits wrongdoing, has no empathy, is fully focused on image, starts attacking if there is even a slight disagreement.

I used to be easily manipulated when I was younger. My mental health suffers when I get too close and I have felt so much more calm when I have some distance. I have explicitly told her I need distance but she won’t accept that. She does not even understand why I have any complaints.

I really appreciate hearing from you all. Although there doesn’t seem to be an easy solution, this has been really helpful. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP now with low contact with mom. My mom didn't do the primary caregiving as my dad's mom moved in to take care of us kids. That said, I do feel regret that I didn't facilitate more communication with dad over the years, even though realistically there was not much I could do, as they were always joined at the hip. I honestly now think they had their own dynamic, perhaps it was the old "damsel in distress" into which my dad bought. There was a few weeks time years ago when my mom ended up in a hospital and I had the best conversations with my dad. I really regret that my kids didn't get to know my dad much due to this dynamic. As someone suggested, if your parents do anything separately (mine didn't), try to contact your dad then (but he might feel uncomfortable). Otherwise you'll only have a better relationship with dad if he outlives your mom.