How to respond to pushy sibling

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are 2 years apart and live nearby. We are relatively close but she is very pushy and narrow minded and it drives me crazy. For example, she runs a book club and I am a member of it. It meets monthly and I skipped one month to meet a friend I rarely get to see. She responded to that with a long diatribe about how she wouldn’t skip a commitment and she’d do it differently, blah, blah, blah.

This is just one example. She thinks her way of doing things is the only way. Another example is our dds are both 14. Hers is way more mature than mine. She will go out for 8 hours and leave her dd in charge of younger siblings. Mine is an only and much less mature and more anxious. Dh and I will only leave her alone for a couple hours at a time. She will go on and on to me about how we need more time as a couple and our dd is 14 and she leaves her dd that age alone for hours at a time.

I don’t even want to argue with her about these things. I just need a response to shut her down when she goes on like this. I’m not looking for her opinion and her way isn’t the only way to do things.

[Anonymous]

Firstly tell her less about your kid, your marriage. Secondly, a solid “I handled it, thanks” and then walking away/changing the subject is all you need.

[Anonymous]

You have to decide whether you want to confront her and get her to change her behavior because she’s being a jerk (unlikely to work), or just choose to stop engaging. You can
-tell her you’re not interested in those convos and will be immediately hanging up/walking away
-not tell her and do that
-grey rock
-change the subject and if she doesn’t follow along hang up/want away

It’s really about how much you’re willing to let her blather.

[Anonymous]

+1 to telling her less. And, I would bow out of her book club,

[Anonymous]

Share less w your sister...

[Anonymous]

Another here to say you just have to share less.

But as someone who was an anxious kid forced to stay home and watch my younger siblings so my parents could go out, I have to say, your sister sucks. Please don’t allow her to make you feel bad or like there is something wrong with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Share less w your sister...

This. You're not obligated to be close to her because she's your sister and you live close. She's judgemental and you know she is. Don't share things with her.

[Anonymous]

When she says you need more coupe time: “I know! Where the best restaurant you have been to lately? Seen any good movies that would work for a date?”

When she says she wouldn’t skip book club for a friend: “I was sorry to miss it! Can’t wait for next month!”

You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I would distance myself. What a horror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I just need a response to shut her down when she goes on like this.

Just say something like,
"Do you want to get punched in the snout? Because this is how you get punched in the snout!"

[Anonymous]

Op, what would you put-up with from a friend? Family do not get a pass at being rude.

[Anonymous]

"I wonder if I ever make you feel uncomfortable and pressured. Do I?" (concentrate on her answering the question, but even if she doesn't)

"We need a code word for when we do this to each other. Let me know if I am ever forcing an opinion instead of listening. OK my code word is Flamingo" (sister continues)

"Flamingo! Flamingo!" (change topic/share less/end interaction).

She doesn't realize that when you share, you aren't looking for an opinion.

[Anonymous]

As others have said-more boundaries-share less. Do not share personal details about your children that are sensitive topics-friend issues/school struggles/mental health struggles/. Stick to things like "Larla enjoys x,y,z club and she has decided to learn a new instrument/sport/language." When asked about anything personal just say it's fine.

I personally would not do a book club (something that is supposed to light and enjoyable) with someone who criticized me for not coming. You wanted to see a friend. It's not like you skipped work.

Basically you just adjust your level of closeness. If she genuinely wants to know why you are more distant and you feel she could handle it, let her know gently and assume the best of intention. If she is a busy body know-it-all who can't take feedback, act confused, but then if she asks something personal-say that is not something you want to discuss. If she gives unsolicited advice just do a dramatic pause and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

I would probably say "you have kids to parent. I don't need a parent. Just be my sister."

[Anonymous]

Drop out of Book Club. Give her no info about your children. Who needs this criticism? Do not let her push you around.