Mom says she being abused in nursing home; but she isn’t :(

[Anonymous]

I had a devastating visit with my mom. She’s lived in a nursing home for 6 weeks due to poor physical health and dementia. Her physical condition has improved notably, but she is declining mentally more rapidly. Today, she spent twenty minutes screaming that the staff abuse her. There’s no sign of any physical abuse. The things she described as abusive treatment are at most annoyances. Mostly, it’s the staff doing their job.

I know she’s lost some vocabulary so I offered alternative words to describe her frustration. She refuses to use any word other than abuse.

Are they used to this or will they kick her out for false accusations?

[Anonymous]

Why does it seem like we suddenly have an influx of LTC employees posting in here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it seem like we suddenly have an influx of LTC employees posting in here?

I don’t know, but I’m a middle school teacher not a LTC employee.

[Anonymous]

I assume they have videos available.

[Anonymous]

They may be abusing her, may not be. My mil had lots of unexplained bruises.

[Anonymous]

As someone who spent a lot of time visiting and volunteering, they definitely do everything on their sweet time schedule and they cover for each other with little lies.

They will also leave someone at "shift change" and not help them to the bathroom because they don't care if they wet the bed for the next person. And it just gets paid forward like that.

I think that it's a very hard job and low-paying and the workers sometimes forget how undignified it is for these other adults, some who did crazy things like judges, scientists, groundbreaking things for their time.

[Anonymous]

My mom was at a highly regarded facility and complained constantly that the staff was verbally abusive and rough with her. It’s so hard to know what is reality with dementia. We moved her to another community for a number of issues with that place and she hasn’t had one complaint about abusive staff. I’m inclined to believe she was right about the staff in her former residence. I’d get a camera in her room if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who spent a lot of time visiting and volunteering, they definitely do everything on their sweet time schedule and they cover for each other with little lies.

They will also leave someone at "shift change" and not help them to the bathroom because they don't care if they wet the bed for the next person. And it just gets paid forward like that.

I think that it's a very hard job and low-paying and the workers sometimes forget how undignified it is for these other adults, some who did crazy things like judges, scientists, groundbreaking things for their time.

This is not uncommon.

Basically, elders are prisoners in nursing homes.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the serious replies.

My mom doesn’t have any bruises or cuts. She hasn’t described physical or emotional abuse. Rather, she’s labeling annoying, but non-harmful actions abuse. For example, staff moving the position of personal items she left on top of her nightstand. She forgets to return these items to the drawers. The top of the nightstand becomes unmanageable to the point of items falling off. Staff tidy up to avoid a trip hazard. She called that abuse. I offered alternative words that were more appropriate such as intrusive. She persists on using the description abusive.

I’m really worried she’ll be kicked out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you and it's so stressful. It likely isn't abuse. (If there were unexplained bruises or she claimed they screamed at her and insulted her all the time I might ask to see camera footage. I do suggest, if they bring up medication, be open to it and do your research.You don't want her kicked out and it can help her be able to manage this phase of life better.

Accusations happen. I had to detach from my mother and get a case manager involved because she would rage at me over nothing and as some major stressors hit I could no longer use techniques. I sometimes just told her to cut it out or I'm leaving. This turned into accusations that I am verbally abusive and threaten abandonment. I am such a trigger to her and I cannot predict what will make her mood shift from calm to rage. It is so well managed on medication, but she refuses to stay on meds until it impacts her with other people and then she goes back on for a while. My interactions are short, polite and distant and with witnesses to avoid accusations.

[Anonymous]

It’s concerning that you have zero intention of looking at whether she might actually be getting hurt or neglected.

[Anonymous]

My mom says the same things but I have cameras in her room. What happens is that they speak loudly and redirect her when she wanders into other residents rooms and she thinks they are yelling and being mean, etc. I don’t doubt that they can be short at times but. I don’t think she’s being abused. She has no bruises and she bruises at the lightest touch. She also clarified when pressed that she is being “emotionally tortured,” not physically. By the same token she tells the staff that I’ve abandoned her, am selfish, don’t care about herb, imprisoned her etc and never come to see her (even if had visited that same mornjng) so I take it all with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you and it's so stressful. It likely isn't abuse. (If there were unexplained bruises or she claimed they screamed at her and insulted her all the time I might ask to see camera footage. I do suggest, if they bring up medication, be open to it and do your research.You don't want her kicked out and it can help her be able to manage this phase of life better.

Accusations happen. I had to detach from my mother and get a case manager involved because she would rage at me over nothing and as some major stressors hit I could no longer use techniques. I sometimes just told her to cut it out or I'm leaving. This turned into accusations that I am verbally abusive and threaten abandonment. I am such a trigger to her and I cannot predict what will make her mood shift from calm to rage. It is so well managed on medication, but she refuses to stay on meds until it impacts her with other people and then she goes back on for a while. My interactions are short, polite and distant and with witnesses to avoid accusations.

I appreciate your advice about the case manager. I never would have thought of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s concerning that you have zero intention of looking at whether she might actually be getting hurt or neglected.

She does not describe anything that could hurt her or be neglectful. If she was reluctant to talk about it, I’d be suspicious. Instead, she’s very vocal about what staff do that she doesn’t like and it just isn’t abuse. Today, she called me to complain that staff abused her by replacing the paper towels in her bathroom while she was at the afternoon activity. She doesn’t want anyone in the room while she’s out. That’s intrusive if you really squint at it looking for fault, not abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume they have videos available.

Uh no. Resident's are entitled to privacy, video cameras are not a thing. You also can't hide one, at least one party being recorded has to consent, and a person with dementia can't give consent