Push them or keep them in a bubble

[Anonymous]

We have a rising ADHD, likely high functioning/ masking ASD 1 (undiagnosed) 8th grader and are beginning to think through HS options.

They are in a very small private MS and doing well. We are torn on whether we should apply to school that are similar to current MS experience (small, nurturing, supportive) or push DD a bit towards a HS that is larger and not so insulated. We realize that a larger environment will require more support but also the potential for her to grow and practice new skills.

Our worry is that 4 more years of a safe, insulated school bubble may protect her from developing skills needed for college.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would continue in the safe space.

I would also be prepared that she may need to live at home and attend college nearby for at least the first year or so.

I used to feel that lack of independence at 18 was a huge disservice to the child. Now I see things differently. As long as your child is continuously making progress and growing, I would give them the most supportive environment possible. There’s no reward for being independent at 18 versus 20 BUT if she ruins her GPA by having a tough transition into HS or college, it’s nearly impossible to recover.

I hope I’m being clear. I absolutely think that you need to increase demands and help her work towards becoming fully independent, I just don’t think that 18 needs to be that hard deadline.

[Anonymous]

You can’t mask ASD, a key point is that it’s pervasive. Have you had an ADOS?

[Anonymous]

It’s not uncommon for kids to really fall apart when they start HS. An ER doctor told me (when we were in the middle
Of our first mental health crisis) that it is worse for boys than girls. Don’t know if it’s true but if it is, that’s a plus for you.

If you push and it doesn’t work, what is your fall back plan? And what is your fall back if college isn’t in the cards and how will you get there? I think the answer to these questions will be your guide. We were in public so mine was able to go into a non mainstream placement. It’s harder with private.

[Anonymous]

We kept our kid in the small, supportive private school. I am glad we did, for the most part. He is graduating this spring and going to a small, supportive college next fall. It’s a good school and a good fit. Don’t let fears about college drive what your child’s high school experience. One step at a time. What does she need most for 9th (and maybe 10th) grade? Do that.

[Anonymous]

We tried pushing in MS. It was a disaster; she couldn't keep up socially or academically and it very much impacted her mental health. She was much too overwhelmed to learn anything from the experience. We put her back in safe and nurturing for high school and it was 100% the right choice. You can't learn anything when your nervous system feels under attack.

[Anonymous]

Curious- which HS felt safe/ nurturing? We are trying to generate a list to check out.

[Anonymous]

It’s always a mistake to underestimate a kid. Pick the school that will be best educationally.

[Anonymous]

What if academic aptitude does not align with social pragmatic needs? In this case- prioritizing goodness of fit for academics might miss the boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We tried pushing in MS. It was a disaster; she couldn't keep up socially or academically and it very much impacted her mental health. She was much too overwhelmed to learn anything from the experience. We put her back in safe and nurturing for high school and it was 100% the right choice. You can't learn anything when your nervous system feels under attack.

We had this experience for HS. Thought she was ready for a bigger more competitive environment but she was not and it was a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s always a mistake to underestimate a kid. Pick the school that will be best educationally.

I mean that's what we did and it was a mistake. Safe and nurturing was where we should have kept DD. There are always ways to supplement academics but for a child like this it can be difficult to find a place that feels safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if academic aptitude does not align with social pragmatic needs? In this case- prioritizing goodness of fit for academics might miss the boat?

For a lot of kids, being in the right place academically is part of social pragmatic needs. And for a lot of kids smaller actually is not better - it’s more judgmental and less tolerant.

[Anonymous]

PP. Say more. Do you mean that by being in a larger school they can ‘blend in’ or not be ‘seen’ as easily and therefor not be judged to the same degree? My worry would be the cons that come with larger environments- less 1:1 teacher instruction, more chaos outside of classes, less supervision regarding behavior outside and inside classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP. Say more. Do you mean that by being in a larger school they can ‘blend in’ or not be ‘seen’ as easily and therefor not be judged to the same degree? My worry would be the cons that come with larger environments- less 1:1 teacher instruction, more chaos outside of classes, less supervision regarding behavior outside and inside classes.

just because our kids have SN does not mean they cannot adapt and be resilient. and yes, at a bigger school (especially public) there is more ability to blend in, more different types of kids, and more tolerant admins and teachers. Our worse SN school experiences have been with teachers that fancy themselves “nurturing” but are actually unable to handle any challenges. I would never advocate for a kid to be removed from a school they are thriving in just for some theoretical better setting (be it larger or smaller) but I also don’t think it is wise to undersell our kids. particularly if their academic needs could be served better at one school over the other.

[Anonymous]

Let her decide. I’d she’s doing well and wants to stay let her stay. A large public is easy to get lost in.