Need to stop vacationing with parents

[Anonymous]

I need to stop vacationing with my parents. We all pay our own way, which is fine. My parents can’t afford to treat and I don’t expect them to. However, my mom acts like she is the only one paying.

She wants to pick everything we do, and everywhere we eat and she butts her nose in giving us parenting advice for our teens when we don’t want to hear it and don’t care. We just got back from going away with them. This has become a spring break thing and it has to stop. They expect it though. We didn’t do it last year because I was a couple weeks post surgery and they were shocked that we weren’t going away with them. They still expected it.

[Anonymous]

Just say no, nicely. Repeat as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Don’t tell them about your plans until all is booked. If they ask, “We wanted a trip with just us this year.” Don’t discuss, don’t try to make them feel comfortable or accept it. If they grumble or act hurt, oh well. They are grown adults and can manage their own feelings. Or not. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t tell them about your plans until all is booked. If they ask, “We wanted a trip with just us this year.” Don’t discuss, don’t try to make them feel comfortable or accept it. If they grumble or act hurt, oh well. They are grown adults and can manage their own feelings. Or not. Not your problem.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Either say no or try to do advance planning and get a schedule together.

I often vacation with family and I have
Strong opinions about making sure I can do the things I want on our trips. So what I do is send out a text to everyone (including my own family) asking what they want to do and giving a date
For response. Then I compile the list, eliminating the inevitable duplicates.

I then send the out list and ask if there is anything anyone plans to sit out. Once
I get that back I put together a schedule and send that out. If there is too much to do, at least something from everyone’s list will be included. And I make sure that there is at least one suggestion from every person that fits within the entire group’s abilities that gets on the list.

I know this sounds controlling but it isn’t really. It’s my effort to make sure everyone is satisfied and that I make the most out of our vacations. And everyone who travels with us loves this.

[Anonymous]

Do you only vacation once a year together? If so, let your parents know sooner rather than later your family won’t be participating.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that.

In the end, you have to decide what you want more: peaceful vacations, or happy parents.

You just have to tell them no, and accept that they will be pissed about it. But YOU will be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you only vacation once a year together? If so, let your parents know sooner rather than later your family won’t be participating.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you only vacation once a year together? If so, let your parents know sooner rather than later your family won’t be participating.

Yes. We generally start planning it around New Year’s. I may tell them that we are just doing something different on our own.

[Anonymous]

As others say, just let them know. You aren't responsible for the fallout. Be polite and calm. You don't even need to explain. If they push you can say "this is what works best for our family from now on."

You will learn a lot about how healthy your family system is by how this goes. They are allowed to be disappointed. If they accept it regardless and wish you well and continue on as normal-healthy. If they stew/guilt trip/get offended/manipulate and make your life difficult-unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either say no or try to do advance planning and get a schedule together.

I often vacation with family and I have
Strong opinions about making sure I can do the things I want on our trips. So what I do is send out a text to everyone (including my own family) asking what they want to do and giving a date
For response. Then I compile the list, eliminating the inevitable duplicates.

I then send the out list and ask if there is anything anyone plans to sit out. Once
I get that back I put together a schedule and send that out. If there is too much to do, at least something from everyone’s list will be included. And I make sure that there is at least one suggestion from every person that fits within the entire group’s abilities that gets on the list.

I know this sounds controlling but it isn’t really. It’s my effort to make sure everyone is satisfied and that I make the most out of our vacations. And everyone who travels with us loves this.

This sounds utterly awful. This is why extended families should not vacation together.

[Anonymous]

We switched to cruising or beach week with extended family. On a cruise everyone can choose what they want to eat we can all eat together. During a seven day cruise we may go on a few excursions together or separately.
During each week each choose a dinner night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either say no or try to do advance planning and get a schedule together.

I often vacation with family and I have
Strong opinions about making sure I can do the things I want on our trips. So what I do is send out a text to everyone (including my own family) asking what they want to do and giving a date
For response. Then I compile the list, eliminating the inevitable duplicates.

I then send the out list and ask if there is anything anyone plans to sit out. Once
I get that back I put together a schedule and send that out. If there is too much to do, at least something from everyone’s list will be included. And I make sure that there is at least one suggestion from every person that fits within the entire group’s abilities that gets on the list.

I know this sounds controlling but it isn’t really. It’s my effort to make sure everyone is satisfied and that I make the most out of our vacations. And everyone who travels with us loves this.

This sounds utterly awful. This is why extended families should not vacation together.

So you probably wouldn’t vacation with us. But like I said, my family loves it. Everyone’s desires and opinions are considered and included. If people are going to opt out of things, that’s taken into consideration we plan so that the activity before the opt out ends at the hotel or there are separate transportation arrangements. Most of the planning is in advance so we’re not wasting time and possibly arguing while we’re on vacation. This kind of preplanning has virtually eliminated complaints like OPs and any other travel dissatisfaction for our family- except for unsolicited Parenting advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t tell them about your plans until all is booked. If they ask, “We wanted a trip with just us this year.” Don’t discuss, don’t try to make them feel comfortable or accept it. If they grumble or act hurt, oh well. They are grown adults and can manage their own feelings. Or not. Not your problem.

Just do this early enough so they can plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t tell them about your plans until all is booked. If they ask, “We wanted a trip with just us this year.” Don’t discuss, don’t try to make them feel comfortable or accept it. If they grumble or act hurt, oh well. They are grown adults and can manage their own feelings. Or not. Not your problem.

This is good advice.

+100