Bullying and neurodiverse kids

[Anonymous]

My 13 yo has adhd and dyspraxia. We have had 2 evals for him in the past. One when he was 11. They never diagnosed autism but I have my suspicions.

He is immature and very quirky. His social skills are terrible too. He has been bullied at every school he has attended. Administration has never been helpful. He’s had OT, therapy, social skills, etc

I am so frustrated. Bullying is so hurtful and it’s been so harmful to his self esteem. I have no idea how to help him and stop it. I am considering homeschooling because I don’t know how to protect my child.

[Anonymous]

Is he behaving in a way that irritates others? That's the behavior you need to target.

[Anonymous]

If in public school, have you filed any bullying forms?

Homeschool is legitimate option - know some who opt out of public school to restore sanity and self-esteem, but caveat is that you can't shelter child forever, and kid still has to eventually learn how to navigate being in school, working with peers, etc. Being in middle and high school socially can be good preparation for adulthood, so there is a balance to be struck there.

Also, when homeschooling, you lose the IEP, esp the protections that come with it.

Can also homeschool for a year or couple, possibly redshirt when returning to public school, but consider putting child in a different school than where he was last so peers aren't like "why are you a grade below now when you were same grade last year?" If kiddo is "immature" compared to peers, an extra year might be helpful.

BTW, if he has IEP, in high school, can take longer than 4 years to exit, if IEP team agrees.

GL.

[Anonymous]

Is it bullying or teasing? If teasing, I found the advice in the PEERS curriculum to be helpful. I don’t remember it in detail but at the core it did not recommend ignoring teasing. May be worth trying to find this guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it bullying or teasing? If teasing, I found the advice in the PEERS curriculum to be helpful. I don’t remember it in detail but at the core it did not recommend ignoring teasing. May be worth trying to find this guidance.

Not OP, but that was actually one of the areas where I thought PEERS was week. I think if you have great verbal skills and think well on your feet, it may be useful, but for our kid sometimes the best thing to do was to pretend he didn't hear it and make an excuse to go to the water fountain or whatever or to laugh it off. I don't recall the specifics, but anytime he used a PEERS strategy that involved language (and his language is good enough for mainstream classes), it backfired and the kid did not let up.

Yes, the school was rarely helpful. Administration just protects themselves in how they deal. Occasionally you have a savy teacher who tunes in and nips it in the bud. Really what the schools should do it treat the bully as having a mental health issue and pressing the parents to get help. The few bullies I knew growing up did not turn out well. There are deranged parents who take pride in their kid being an "alpha" but most people don't want their kid to be a jerk.

I would not homeschool. My kid learned a lot of coping strategies having to deal with bullies and that will help in life. Have you ever had a bully boss/superior at work? I knew how to deal with them. My own sister was a bully. Some people I knew who never dealt with it in childhood just completely cracked facing it in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Sorry weak not week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he behaving in a way that irritates others? That's the behavior you need to target.

I’m sure he is. He is in therapy and has done social skills classes. I think some of it is that he really is a quirky kid with unusual interests.

[Anonymous]

I don't have the answer OP. I pulled my DD out of school and homeschool her through an accredited online program. Having to withstand bullying and cruelty is not valuable socialization. All it does it traumatizes kids.

[Anonymous]

I was an annoying kid, and a change of schools actually helped a ton. It was also a change from a small school where we'd all grown up in each other's pockets to a big school where no one knew me and there were other "weird" kids, which helped.

So, yes, I think a reset might be in order, but it might be helpful to know what the bullying entails. Is it mostly exclusion? Is it teasing that another child might be able to take with a grain of salt? Or is it more targeted teasing and "ganging up on?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have the answer OP. I pulled my DD out of school and homeschool her through an accredited online program. Having to withstand bullying and cruelty is not valuable socialization. All it does it traumatizes kids.

I agree. True bullying is traumatizing and there is no silver lining to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, yes, I think a reset might be in order, but it might be helpful to know what the bullying entails. Is it mostly exclusion? Is it teasing that another child might be able to take with a grain of salt? Or is it more targeted teasing and "ganging up on?"

It is targeted teasing by a group of kids and also exclusion by others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, yes, I think a reset might be in order, but it might be helpful to know what the bullying entails. Is it mostly exclusion? Is it teasing that another child might be able to take with a grain of salt? Or is it more targeted teasing and "ganging up on?"

It is targeted teasing by a group of kids and also exclusion by others.

PP here and I think a change of scenery + engagement in an extracurricular activity to help build friendships might be in order. Here's what worked for me:

1) Moving to a bigger school and my parents immediately pushing me into an activity where I could meet friends. Mine was debate, but a "quirky" kid might join DnD club, stage crew, model train club, whatever matches his interests and puts him in touch with people who share them

2) Explicit social coaching on strategies for being less annoying. For me, it meant raising my hand every OTHER time I thought I knew the answer, and watching the clock to make sure I didn't speak more than 15 second at a time.

3) Also, explicit coaching on prioritizing friendships with kind kids. Despite being awkward, I was obsessed with fitting in. Once I let go of that, I found friends who liked me for me, and had some "protective cover" by being with a group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo has adhd and dyspraxia. We have had 2 evals for him in the past. One when he was 11. They never diagnosed autism but I have my suspicions.

He is immature and very quirky. His social skills are terrible too. He has been bullied at every school he has attended. Administration has never been helpful. He’s had OT, therapy, social skills, etc

I am so frustrated. Bullying is so hurtful and it’s been so harmful to his self esteem. I have no idea how to help him and stop it. I am considering homeschooling because I don’t know how to protect my child.

You need tonput him in a combat sport like mma and weight training. Even better if the school has a weight training class or club, and a sport like wrestling. He can ge the weakest and the worst. It doesn't matter. He will gain respect of the kids who also do those things. He will also have teammates who look out for him. Do not hesitate to put autistic kids in sports. It's the best thing for them.

[Anonymous]

We belong to a gym and he wants to do personal training and weight lifting. I plan to sign him up for personal training this summer when we have more time.

[Anonymous]

My son has faced some teasing at school. I have signed him up with some team sports, and he gets teased for his weak skills. Boys can act like jerk and they like to provoke him to see his reactions. I have told him to mind his own business and ignore others. I feel like he is immature. I have not thought of personal training, weight lifting or wrestling. He has low muscle tone, do these sports are friendly to kids with low muscle tone?