Knowing when you're *done* having kids

[Anonymous]

How did you know when you were done having children? We always wanted three, have three, and it's certainly busy enough that I'm not sure I'd have energy for a fourth and I'm probably too old. But I'm having a hard time giving away baby items... "just in case." And every time I look at our third, the baby, I feel this sense of mourning about it being the last time I have a baby this little. But I know that I'm getting older, and my husband and I need our energy for our three beautiful existing children... How did you *know*?

[Anonymous]

Eh. Menopause. Let your body choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. Menopause. Let your body choose.

Ha! I was “done” 20 years before menopause. Would not have wanted 10 more kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m first trimester of my third kid and know I will never do this again!!! I think hormones really affect you around that time because I felt that way with each of my other young babies and you just miss them as babies and are nostalgic about them growing up and the passage of time.

[Anonymous]

When my period was late and I panicked. We were already struggling to keep it together with two kids, one of whom has special needs. The cost of daycare for three kids would be more than my take-home pay, and I didn’t want to give up my career to stay home. We couldn’t afford to buy a larger car, and I didn’t have enough days saved to take maternity leave again. Maybe if we had started our family younger and could wait to have another until our oldest goes to public school, but by then I’ll be 42. So yeah, we’re done.

[Anonymous]

When my body kept saying:

"Hey Larla, you've been trying for a while, but you've got endometriosis, an autoimmune disease, a coagulation problem, all three of which are known to reduced fertility by themselves, let alone together, AND I've just decided to go into perimenopause. Might want to get a pet or something..."

Took me a while to get the message, but my body has been amazingly consistent. 7 weeks, bam, miscarriage 5 times in a row.

[Anonymous]

I will always feel like I could have had one more.

But we would have needed to make extreme sacrifices to afford it. So that dictated that we stop.

Here is what helped me: everyone has a last baby. Everyone. So that feeling of nostalgia/grief is a fact of motherhood and not a good way to make a decision.

[Anonymous]

My husband's GF made the decision for us.

[Anonymous]

IME, you know when you’re done. It’s not ambiguous. If you don’t feel that strongly, on some level you are either open to or want more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you know when you were done having children? We always wanted three, have three, and it's certainly busy enough that I'm not sure I'd have energy for a fourth and I'm probably too old. But I'm having a hard time giving away baby items... "just in case." And every time I look at our third, the baby, I feel this sense of mourning about it being the last time I have a baby this little. But I know that I'm getting older, and my husband and I need our energy for our three beautiful existing children... How did you *know*?

Paying for college was the driving factor for us. Stopped at two

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, you know when you’re done. It’s not ambiguous. If you don’t feel that strongly, on some level you are either open to or want more.

But so what? Many people decide not to have more children ever though they remain open to the idea or actively want more.

I think PP has it right when she says that everyone has a last baby. It's a given of motherhood and sadness about it is not itself a good reason to have another. (Happiness that you have a last baby, however, would be a good reason *not* to have another.)

[Anonymous]

Partner became very controlling and that decided it for me.
Also, energy went way down at 46. I needed my kid in middle school by then.

[Anonymous]

Just here to say that I too just had my third and know in my brain it has to be the last (pregnancy is miserable, C-sections are terrible, rolling the dice because we have a healthy family, money etc etc etc) but I can’t bring myself to give away the baby things. I saw something on instagram that said something like “all his firsts will be my lasts” and I think about it all the time 😭 so I don’t know that you ever know. I think time passes and life carries on…good luck and hugs

[Anonymous]

I had always planned for 3, and was really surprised after having #3 that I felt like I wanted another and wasn’t done. The feeling didn’t go away. After talking with DH, we went for the 4th. During the pregnancy and after the 4th was born, I knew I was done - my family felt complete and I didn’t want to have another. The 4th was going to be our last regardless but it was comforting that I was at peace with feeling done.

If the urge doesn’t go away, and you have the energy and money for another, and DH is on board, then consider going for it. Our youngest is 5 now and I’m so glad we did.

[Anonymous]

We have 3. In the baby/toddler/early elementary age, it was physically demanding but I had a rhythm with my husband to manage and actually enjoy that phase. So much so, that in the midst, I could have easily signed on for a 4th.

The things is that life is unpredictable. Your healthy family now is no guarantee for the long term. A critical illness or a job loss or a child developing mental illness or discovering learning difficulties are all umknowns but distinct possibilities.

I know that this sounds pessimistic, which I promise is not the intent. What I mean to express is that thing happen, life happens and there a lot of things upstream that will be out of your control. As kids get bigger, so do the challenges.