Older parents & grandparents

[Anonymous]

If you have kids later in life, how do you simultaneously deal with eldercare and childcare? Also is it difficult to raise kids without involved grandparents as backup?

[Anonymous]

😆 I believe AI is PP!

I’ve been married nearly 30 years, 3DC (all young adults) and had both sets of grandparents live locally.

My advice: decide if you want any of the grandparents to be counted on for childcare in the form of FT PT daycare. Fairly easy choice for me (and my parents) because I was a SAHM but my ILs were disappointed and honestly angry that I didn’t *need* them nearly 24/7.

Set your boundaries early. Ask the grandparents what they would like and expect. My parents were elderly (and a full decade older than ILs) and both certainly would help on occasion but it was only ever at their house and when DC were babies, no transport or outside activities.

My ILs wanted to babysit but I learned that they were unreliable and refused to adhere to any schedule or any instructions. So they’d have my toddler for a weekend and happily report that they’d had so much fun that there was no time for her naps, she didn’t need any. I’d then have to bat clean up so to speak and have a fussy, cranky and exhausted toddler.

It got to be easier just to hire a teen sitter rather than to drive my kids to my parents’ or ILs’ houses.

[Anonymous]

It suuuuuks. I’m 50. My 11 was crying to me last night that my mom probably doesn’t even remember his name.

[Anonymous]

We're foreign expats living in the US, and our parents, who live in Europe, were never involved in our children's care. Frankly no one in our circle of friends benefited from grandparent help with childcare, even our American friends, usually because they were too far (and some who were elderly, medically frail or had already passed away).

Eldercare for parents who are far away, whether here or abroad, is always incredibly challenging. My husband sends money and relies on his local siblings to help with his elderly mother. There is enough money to pay for aides who come to her home, and all the aides are supervised by my husband's older brother. I'm an only child and have no idea what will happen when the time comes: my parents are prickly and likely won't be happy with people coming into their house to help. I pray they're independent for a long, long time. My best friend, whose MIL lives in NYC, recently persuaded her to pay for assisted living in the DC area so they can supervise her more closely.

[Anonymous]

PP 20:00. Balancing elder care is rough to grueling. My dad lived the last four years of his life in skilled nursing after getting diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 78. I visited during the DC school days when I could and tried to be back to run carpool and sports practices. My mom expected that I’d visit more often since I was “just a SAHM.” I was always disappointing my mom to the point where I pulled back and stopped visiting. Then, I returned to work!

Even though my DC were older when all above was going on, I still had 3 at home who were learning to drive, looking at colleges, playing sports and on still in ES. So not little kids but I didn’t want to give all my time to my parents when my DC needed me.

[Anonymous]

We’ve been lucky so far. We’re in our late 40s with a 5 year old. My parents live overseas and are still independent at 79/88. FIL lives out of state and is also still independent at 91.

[Anonymous]

It's extremely difficult tbh. My kids lost two grandparents at a young age (8 and 6) and it was really hard. The years leading up to their deaths were hard too. I was pulled in a lot of directions and felt so, so overwhelmed.
My mom was diagnosed with dementia when my daughter was 2. That's the only version of my mom she knew and it breaks my heart but she still loved her grammy dearly.

As far as missing out on childcare from parents, we had to build our own village, not the same, but necessary. I definitely found myself resenting the friends who had built in support from grandparents during the toddler/preschool years(especially the ones who would complain about their kids getting too many cookies from grandma etc.).

[Anonymous]

I had to deal with a ton of eldercare before we became parents. I'll take parenting my kiddoes any day over eldercare. It is challenging but I always knew that I would not be able to rely on my parents and had to plan accordingly (for better or for worse)