relatively average size 3rd grader being mocked for weight

[Anonymous]

DS, 9, is typically 70th percentile for weight and 80th for height at annual checkups.

I learned six months ago that there is a running "joke" in his grade that he is fat. His so-called friends are calling him fat at lunch, saying their grapes are the shape of him, singing mocking songs about him being obsessed with McDonalds (we are not as a family, he maybe goes there 2 or 3 times a year). He is 4'8 and 70 lbs. Most of his friends are four inches shorter and maybe 55 pounds.

At first it was so ridiculous that my husband and I blew it off ... it is really upsetting him. He has changed where he sits at lunch etc.

I feel very helpless. I do not think complaining to the school is the right move, as I think he needs to confront this head on, himself, rather than having a teacher or principal fight this battle for him. My husband suggested I reach out to the friends' moms, who are actually my friends, about it. I also don't think that's the right approach either in having your mom fight on your behalf.

I've honestly suggested he tell something along the lines of "it is probably hard for dwarves to understand why someone four inches taller weighs what they do..." and I'm ashamed to say I've debated asking his older brother to step in on his behalf, as a cooler, older, bigger, stronger kid carries more credibility than a middle-aged mom.

He does not feel comfortable (maybe to his credit?) turning it on them and their height so I'm now telling him to go nowhere near them and to ignore them, stop having anything to do with them, don't react in any way/shape or form. He has been invited to all three kids' birthday parties, and to playdates with them as well but this is clearly not a healthy situation.

Am I handling this correctly?

[Anonymous]

You are completely wrong that he needs to handle this himself. It's been going on all school year. He's tried to handle it. He can't. Now it's time for you to step in.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is totally appropriate for you to talk to his teacher about your concerns. Teachers want to know about situations like this and there are steps they can take to deal with kids who are ganging up on another kid.
He needs your help here.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably at a stage of puberty that they haven’t even begun. Especially with the grape comment. A lot of boys will gain weight in the middle and it will thin out as he grows taller.

Talk to his teacher or the school counselor for advice. Usually the bullies aren’t the friends so this is unusually difficult.

[Anonymous]

Your DS hasn’t done anything wrong. My 4th grade DD happens to be in a cohort with truly mean boys who started this crap in 3rd grade. The boys who are doing the kicking seem to be friends with the boys they pick on, so it’s confusing for her to witness.

It’s a type of relational aggression that I thought was confined to girls. Boys in her grade are definitely mocking size, and it recently escalated to race and calling some of the kids gay (yes, she called them out on it in real time, also said what’s wrong with being gay, and immediately report it to adults).

I don’t have advice, just a sense that this is an infectious behavior that seems to bubble up in some cohorts and stick around. In our grade I think it is being driven by insane LL baseball team dynamics and video games. There are “nice” and “not nice” grades of boys at our school, and you might have stumbled into one of these intractable cohorts.

I begged my DD to just punch one of these kids when they were briefly bullying her. She wouldn’t do it and I suspect your DS wouldn’t either, which is pity because it’s the only thing that will stop this.

Document and report to school, but don’t expect anything to improve. Admin is terrified of stepping into stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he’s an obedient servant

[Anonymous]

That's so sad. Poor kid.

Do you have the ability to volunteer at lunchtime? My kid was being mean to other kids so I started observing her at recess and lunch. She stopped doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's so sad. Poor kid.

Do you have the ability to volunteer at lunchtime? My kid was being mean to other kids so I started observing her at recess and lunch. She stopped doing it.

That is awesome for you to do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s probably at a stage of puberty that they haven’t even begun. Especially with the grape comment. A lot of boys will gain weight in the middle and it will thin out as he grows taller.

Talk to his teacher or the school counselor for advice. Usually the bullies aren’t the friends so this is unusually difficult.

This is irrelevant. Regardless of of her son is actually overweight, these comments are not acceptable.

I’m sorry OP. I can’t get behind name calling to them in return, as much as they deserve it. It tell my son how often times people feel compelled to say mean things about others when they are feeling insecure about themselves. That is isn’t about him, rather it’s about them. I’d go over what qualities to look for in a friend and how people aren’t your friends if they treat you the way they are treating him. He needs to find other friends.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the other posters that you should step in. Your role here is as an advisor, not problem solver. Problem solving is for kids too young to advocate for themselves, like 4 year olds.

Role play with him. Ask him -
If they say XX, what could you say back? How could you respond? What are your options? What are the consequences of those choices?

Have a conversation about how bullies pick on those they perceive as weaker, so he needs to show strength, so they will move onto another target. (My tiny daughter was getting hit by a bigger boy and I told her to punch him in the face. Problem solved. Not that i advocate being physical, but in her case it was like for like). For your son, it might mean redirecting the "fun" they are having bullying him. Maybe say something like "yep, grapes come in all sizes. You're the petite grape that get turned into whining." Or "yep, nothing but sour grapes over there". Or "I'd rather be the sweet jelly grape than a sour one."

[Anonymous]

Tell him to tell the kids if they don't stop making fun of him for being fat, he'll sit on them.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the teacher. That is totally unacceptable. It doesn’t matter if he is obese (and I understand that he is not). Not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are completely wrong that he needs to handle this himself. It's been going on all school year. He's tried to handle it. He can't. Now it's time for you to step in.

+1

JFC lady, the kid is EIGHT!

Enjoy raising kid with an eating disorder because you're afraid to bring this up to the teacher or YOUR friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, this stinks. I feel sorry for your DS. I have a similarly sized son. he is 9, and 4'9"/77lbs, though his build is quite lean and muscular, and he's super athletic so he's never been called fat, but he has often been called out by peers for being so much taller and he used to be really self conscious about it. I don't feel badly for telling him that being tall is a positive attribute and that the other boys are jealous because they are short. If it has been going on this long and the teacher doesn't do anything about it, she probably knows and is ignoring it, so you just need to give him whatever tools he needs to feel good about himself. Thankfully the year is more than halfway over.

[Anonymous]

step in. I would ask the teacher about bullying behaviors that have upset your kid. assure your kid that the other kids are jerks. and remind him that he doesn't need to join in this sort of behavior. he should be around friends who are kind and he should know not to talk about anybody's body.