How to motivate an 8th grader who doesn’t want to do anything besides homework?

[Anonymous]

Daughter is in 8th grade and getting straight As in school. Her teachers and we all think she has the capacity to learn outside of school. Her math teacher suggested AMC 10. Her science teacher said she is already at the highest level in her class and suggested that she continue learning on her own.

But the problem is that she is not motivated to do anything besides schoolwork. If any homework is optional she is not doing it.
We’ve tried fun science videos, camps, books etc. but she finds something to dislike about everything. She also refuses to do any music or sports program. We tried rewards too with very limited results.

She spends her time hanging out with friends, watching lots of videos about skincare, reading teen romance novels…

We feel she has so much potential but don’t know how to help her. Parent teacher conference is coming up and I don’t know how to tell her teachers that despite what they suggest she just doesn’t want to learn anything outside of school….

Any suggestions on how to help her find her own motivation?

[Anonymous]

I'm confused what the problem is. She does her homework and classwork well and completely and has a healthy social life. What else do you want her to do?

When she gets to high school, encourage her to join a couple clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused what the problem is. She does her homework and classwork well and completely and has a healthy social life. What else do you want her to do?

When she gets to high school, encourage her to join a couple clubs.

I think I’m not explaining the problem well. I have this fear that even though she is smart she is not motivated to learn and does not have intellectual curiosity. She does her schoolwork because she thinks that’s what she is supposed to do, not that she enjoys the learning. I think she is also a little competitive so she wants to get good grades. She is smart, but without curiosity or motivation I’m worried that she won’t go far and won’t find her passion. What is she going to do later in life when she doesn’t have to do school work?

Her current school has clubs and activities: math club, debate, theater, etc. She refuses to do any and I fear this will continue in high school.

[Anonymous]

What electives is she taking currently? Is that something she enjoys and could do outside school that you could support or encourage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused what the problem is. She does her homework and classwork well and completely and has a healthy social life. What else do you want her to do?

When she gets to high school, encourage her to join a couple clubs.

+1

You’re basically requiring her to want to volunteer to do more work. If there’s something specific you want her to accomplish, you can compel her to do it, but you can’t compel her to enjoy it. You can either compel her to do something or allow her to volunteer, but volunteering means that she is free to not volunteer. If you’re upset at her for not volunteering, then it wasn’t voluntary after all.

You can require her to do things you feel are important (whether it’s a specific activity, picking an activity just to be doing something, participating in a family activity, etc.) and expect her to do it without raising an unreasonable fuss (although she might respectfully comment), but don’t necessarily expect her to be happy about it or to be motivated to do more.

You can also seek out a wide range of opportunities to offer her and encourage any interest she shows in anything. There’s a lot of the world to explore beyond academics, music, and sports.

If she likes skin care, maybe you could see if she’d like to go to a spa or have a spa day at home. You could offer to get her a kit to create her own makeup. Here’s a website I just googled about combining cosmetics and science, if she’s interested. I’m sure if you look, there are probably lots of others, as well.
https://www.sciencebuddies.org/science-experiments/cosmetic-chemistry/high-school
Who knows? She could end up being a dermatologist or chemist someday.

Frankly, at this stage, learning to navigate social situations and relationships are important skills, themselves. Assuming her friends aren’t negative influences, it’s probably great for her to hang out with them.

As for the teen romances, as long as they don’t violate your family’s values, reading in general is positive. You might take her to the used book store before spring break to stock up, pick a tame romance to read to/with her, or pick out some chick-flick’s together for a movie marathon.

Don’t worry about what to tell the teachers. If she was disruptive to the class or struggling academically you would have a responsibility to help solve the problem. Your child is not a problem. The teacher’s primary focus may be on academics, but you have to balance the different dimensions of your daughter’s life for her overall well-being. If you put too much emphasis on achievement, the resentment she develops could ultimately be counterproductive. Moreover, burnout is real, even for teens. My eldest pushed herself too hard and ended up too stressed in high school. I was constantly trying to get her to relax and take a break. The trick is to find the right balance.

Good luck to you and your daughter. It sounds like she’s a great kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What electives is she taking currently? Is that something she enjoys and could do outside school that you could support or encourage?

She is taking debate as an elective but doesn’t enjoy it much. Tried theater last year also a no.
The Only thing she is interested in now seems to be influencers. Normal for this age I suppose? I sure hope it’s just a phase that she will grow out of.

[Anonymous]

Private school.

[Anonymous]

Don’t burn her out. This week, I interacted with three different adults who recounted burning out in middle or high school because their parents wouldn’t allow them to relax and refresh themselves with non academic pursuits. My PT said he hasn’t forgiven his mother ten years later.

[Anonymous]

It's not fair to make smart kids do MORE work. It's fair to make them do DIFFERENT work. Of course she doesn't want to do it.

I would require her to do one thing outside of school for her body and her mind on a regular basis. Like minimum of twice a week. Can be yoga, ice skating, rock climbing, whatever. If she wants to watch a yoga influencer and follow along for an hour twice a week that's fine. Same thing for her brain. Either she can choose, or the parents choose for her.

[Anonymous]

Invent assignments and and ask the teacher to assign them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused what the problem is. She does her homework and classwork well and completely and has a healthy social life. What else do you want her to do?

When she gets to high school, encourage her to join a couple clubs.

+1

You’re basically requiring her to want to volunteer to do more work. If there’s something specific you want her to accomplish, you can compel her to do it, but you can’t compel her to enjoy it. You can either compel her to do something or allow her to volunteer, but volunteering means that she is free to not volunteer. If you’re upset at her for not volunteering, then it wasn’t voluntary after all.

You can require her to do things you feel are important (whether it’s a specific activity, picking an activity just to be doing something, participating in a family activity, etc.) and expect her to do it without raising an unreasonable fuss (although she might respectfully comment), but don’t necessarily expect her to be happy about it or to be motivated to do more.

You can also seek out a wide range of opportunities to offer her and encourage any interest she shows in anything. There’s a lot of the world to explore beyond academics, music, and sports.

If she likes skin care, maybe you could see if she’d like to go to a spa or have a spa day at home. You could offer to get her a kit to create her own makeup. Here’s a website I just googled about combining cosmetics and science, if she’s interested. I’m sure if you look, there are probably lots of others, as well.
https://www.sciencebuddies.org/science-experiments/cosmetic-chemistry/high-school
Who knows? She could end up being a dermatologist or chemist someday.

Frankly, at this stage, learning to navigate social situations and relationships are important skills, themselves. Assuming her friends aren’t negative influences, it’s probably great for her to hang out with them.

As for the teen romances, as long as they don’t violate your family’s values, reading in general is positive. You might take her to the used book store before spring break to stock up, pick a tame romance to read to/with her, or pick out some chick-flick’s together for a movie marathon.

Don’t worry about what to tell the teachers. If she was disruptive to the class or struggling academically you would have a responsibility to help solve the problem. Your child is not a problem. The teacher’s primary focus may be on academics, but you have to balance the different dimensions of your daughter’s life for her overall well-being. If you put too much emphasis on achievement, the resentment she develops could ultimately be counterproductive. Moreover, burnout is real, even for teens. My eldest pushed herself too hard and ended up too stressed in high school. I was constantly trying to get her to relax and take a break. The trick is to find the right balance.

Good luck to you and your daughter. It sounds like she’s a great kid.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer!
We got her to try a lot of different activities when she was younger but once she is in middle school she just refused to do anything. She even hates PE and finds all kinds of excuses not to participate, but her teacher still gave her a pass for the class.

It’s mostly consuming nowadays, pop culture, influencers unfortunately. Long wishlist of skin care and clothes pushed by influencers. These days their “peers” are online.

I appreciate your perspective on the importance of social emotional learning at this stage. Hopefully that’s what’s going on. There seems to be a lot of talk about boys, friendship drama and gossips and I assume that’s normal for this age and maybe taking a lot of their bandwidth? I guess we will just have to wait patiently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daughter is in 8th grade and getting straight As in school. Her teachers and we all think she has the capacity to learn outside of school. Her math teacher suggested AMC 10. Her science teacher said she is already at the highest level in her class and suggested that she continue learning on her own.

But the problem is that she is not motivated to do anything besides schoolwork. If any homework is optional she is not doing it.
We’ve tried fun science videos, camps, books etc. but she finds something to dislike about everything. She also refuses to do any music or sports program. We tried rewards too with very limited results.

She spends her time hanging out with friends, watching lots of videos about skincare, reading teen romance novels…

We feel she has so much potential but don’t know how to help her. Parent teacher conference is coming up and I don’t know how to tell her teachers that despite what they suggest she just doesn’t want to learn anything outside of school….

Any suggestions on how to help her find her own motivation?

Does her math teacher know what AMC 10 is?

Studying for that is more than a whole extra math class, or else it's not really worth bothering with at all.

Enroll her in AOPS or RSM. Explain to her that public school is public charity for lower class, lower IQ kids, and unless she wants to live in public charity housing and eat public charity food, she needs to study more than public school.

[Anonymous]

Friends influence a student's interests, whether they're into skincare, insta/tiktok, romance, etc OR academic clubs, stem competitions, voluntary work, etc.

[Anonymous]

Take away her screens for the summer, she’ll find something else to do.

[Anonymous]

You can’t force intellectual curiosity.

If she refuses to do a sport, I would make her be active with you on the weekends, hiking, biking, even just long walks. Being active is important for mental and physical health.

I would also encourage non-screen time if she’s too focused on social medial and influencers. I would suggest making a chunk of one weekend day screen free. 4-5 hours. Do it out of the house at first so it’s easier. Go to museums, bookstores, exploring a new nearby town, shopping at the mall. The immediate and constant need for screen input is more damaging than a lack of intellectual curiosity.