how to support friend who lost her twins?

[Anonymous]

sorry for the frightening headline and topic, but I imagine there are a lot of brave women on this site who've been through very difficult and sad situations. my friend, who has been trying to conceive for 4 years, got pregnant on her first IVF with twins. and thenlost them at 20 plus weeks due to a bacterial infection that actually was serious enough to threaten her own life. Thankfully she is okay, her reproductive system is on good health and they will be able to try again. But emotionally--how devastating.

anyway, i want to know how to support her, what to say or not to. We were going to visit her soon anyway--and bring our 8 month old--but now I'm not sure whether bringing the baby would be good for her or a painful reminder. etc. I will feel her out about it, but generally if anyone has words of wisdom of what helped them (or didnt help) after a loss, I'd welcome it. I keep thinking of her, and realizing how lucky we were and hoping that she will be able to conceive healthily again.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is so very sad.

I had multiple miscarriages (but never that late) before a successful IVF. One thing for me personally: in the immediate aftermath, I was touchy about seeing other friends' babies. If the baby was one I had a very personal connection with (say, I was the godmother, or I took care of the child occasionally), seeing the baby was not painful. But if the child was one I really only new as "my friend, Sarah's daughter," I found it much more painful. I don't know if other women have had this experience, but I thought this perspective might be helpful.

Also, your friend and her DH know that they can try again -but I wouldn't remind them of this. They know, but they are currently processing the loss of something -actually two lives -that were very real to them. They will let you know when they are in place to look forward to what might be instead of back to the past and what was lost.

It's okay to tell your friend you don't know the right thing to say -sometimes it helps to hear that, and it might give your friend an opening to provide you with some guidance as to what she most needs.

[Anonymous]

I lost twins and even though I now have a healthy 1.5 YO I still feel sad for them. There was not a lot bringing me joy during the 2-3 months after that, but if someone had actually let me cio on their shoulder or just let me talk that would've been great. I mean, my husband did those things, but...someone else would've been good too.

I personally would've loved seeing a baby then, but everyone is different. We had a dog and I loved loved all of her kisses.

I would suggest some pampering alone time with just the two of you - or even just a coffee shop chat or something, without husband or baby. You know what I mean?

You're a good friend. What a terrible loss for her, along with a big health scare.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am not sure I have any advice. Bless you for trying, though. I cannot imagine losing at 20 weeks to something unrelated to the infertility issues. I am used to miscarriages that i attribute to getting older. But a baterial infection. How devastating.

[Anonymous]

My best friend lost her son and my godson at 24 weeks. She gave birth to him and he lived for 5 days. To date it has been the most painful thing I have ever witnessed and she waited for me to arrive before she and her DH took him off life support.

She would NOT have wanted to have another child around. Her sister-in-law brought her daughter (my friend's niece) to the hospital and my friend confided in me that she found it very insensitive. She loved her niece but the wound was wide open and she was not ready to be around other children yet.

Your friend is going to have a long road to recover emotionally and I wish her the best. Counseling really helped my friend and her husband, but she was severely depressed for months. My heart goes out to your friend.

[Anonymous]

I lost my son at 21 wks. I would NOT recommend you bringing your baby. Instead I would recommend you have DH watch baby and you use that time to get your friend out of the house for a little while, to go for a walk, a drive, a drink, etc. I can tell you that being alone and in the house was the hardest for me. Any distraction was welcome and I had a hard time motivating myself to do anything. Stupid as it is, going out and doing things I could have done if I was pregnant--travel, go to the bar or out on the town, etc--was a small consolation. Also, the weight gain was really hard, because I still looked pregnant for a couple months and was even wearing maternity clothes sometimes. Getting your friend out to exercise or even shop for a few items could help if your friend is having similar issues.

[Anonymous]

I've had three 2nd trimester losses at 20 weeks, 24 weeks and 20 1/2 weeks. They were and still are one of the most devastating experiences I've ever had. I also had two first trimester miscarriages, the last one about 7 weeks ago and I still have problems seeing other pregnant women and babies. I would NOT bring your baby when you go see her. Like another person said, leave the baby home with your husband and make it time for just the two of you. Take her out to dinner or to a spa. Immediately after my losses I did not want to see or talk to anyone for about a week and then slowly started getting out again. Another thing that helped were the dinners that people brought over. I didn't expect it but it was such a relief not to have to worry about cooking when all I felt like doing was staying in bed and crying. Be there for her as another shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. She's lucky to have a friend like you.

[Anonymous]

http://www.climb-support.org/

I lost one of two twin babies. I found living twins to be very very difficult, more so than babies in general. The above organization offers support to those grieving loss of one or more babies in a multiple birth / pregnancy, and very valuable for me. The director, Jean, has encyclopedic knowledge of the many many familes that she has helped over ~ 20 years of running this organization.

[Anonymous]

This clearly is an extremely sad topic. My thoughts go out to your friend. I suffered a stillbirth 12+yrs ago and currently have a toddler the same gender as the child I lost. Everyone is different. I remember being at the hospital after our loss and actually being relieved hearing other newborns cry. I thought, at least they made it. Ugh, really such a sad thing to revisit but I personally felt great joy knowing that friends who were expecting had healthy babies. Within two months of my loss I was actually present at a very good friend's birth experience. I think I coped in my own way, don't know that it was necessarily healthy. Everyone is different and honestly it may be difficult for you to gauge but I'd err on the side of not bringing your child. Let her tell you otherwise though I wouldn't bring it up and just plan to visit her alone to let her know you are there for her. If she resists a visit from you at all, don't take it personally. She just needs time.

[Anonymous]

The only thing I would add, based on knowing a few women who've had late term losses, is that this isn't something your friend will ever really get over. Even if she goes on to have a child, she'll likely still at times grieve the loss of these children. Don't assume that just because it appears that her grieving is over, in a few months or however long it takes, that she doesn't think about it or that it doesn't hurt at times.

[Anonymous]

dont tell her it wasn't meant to be. don't tell her at least she got pregnant and please consider NOT bringing your child. Just bring her flowers or something and then continue with a phone call or email asking how she is for a while. Like months. Be gentle, but make sure she knows you are available if she wants to talk.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all of your thoughts and sharing your difficult experiences. Although my friend suggested that we all come (she lives in a diff. city) I might take the opportunity to make it a 'girls weekend" and leave DH and baby at home. I also know that this is something you never really 'get over,' although you move on. I had a miscarriage years ago--and it was an unplanned pregnancy with a boyfriend whom I ended up splitting with--and I remained very sad for a very long time, so I can only begin to imagine the kind of pain that losing a hard-won, much much longed for pregnancy brings. I hope all of you who have suffered losses have found peace.

[Anonymous]

Your plan is the best. Girl time is the best cure possible. My best friend did that for me, and that time helped me more than anything else. Also gave DH a break. Spa - goodness yes - something low key. I do not suggest clothes shopping unless she brings it up. She may need to gather herself first, then work on getting back into shape, then buy clothes. Switching from maternity to fat clothes would be demoralizing. Also - what you can ask: does she have plans for a memorial of some sort? A keepsake box? A letter to her children? A donation to some apprpriate cause? You may be able to help her here.

[Anonymous]

Out of hope I can avoid such an infection if I am lucky enough to become pregnant, may I ask what infection she had and how she thinks she got it?

[Anonymous]

OP - I second all the suggestions already posted.

You may want to bring your friend a journal (with a fancy pen) to help her write out some of her emotions and feelings. Some people find this to be helpful during mourning. Especially when they don't feel like talking, but still wanting to express themselves.