Have you told friends that you are undergoing fertility treatments?

[Anonymous]

I haven't told a soul except one friend who also experienced infertility and eventually adopted. I don't want friends to know because I feel like it puts added pressure on the entire process. It's like everyone watching you take a test or something. What are others doing?

[Anonymous]

Not going through this now, but when I did fertility treatments a few years back I only told 2-3 people. Even then they only knew that I was doing them, not the details of each cycle. Never did tell my family.

[Anonymous]

I never told anyone, but now (with a toddler) if I think a friend might be having fertility issues I let her know I know more than I ever wanted to, if she ever wants to talk

It does feel somehow like a personal failure, but I don't think it should and in little ways I try to make it less taboo to talk about.

[Anonymous]

I did but I didn't get into specific dates. We did IVF and told good friends and family but were very vague about when the pregnancy test was, etc. Only my very best friend knew.

[Anonymous]

I am currently in a midst of friends having babies, all wondering when I'm going to have my next one. So, I tell them I'm trying and hint that I might seek medical intervention. I've even discussed potentially thinking about IVF, however no one knows yet that I'd done one (in fact, I'm on my second one now!). I just feel like sometimes it puts added pressure and can be worse if it fails. Frankly, I prefer to go on boards and discuss with others that I know are going through it as well.

[Anonymous]

I told a few close friends (primarily those who were single or done having kids, which made it easier to talk to them since I knew they wouldn't soon be announcing pregnancies). The more cycles we did, the harder it was to not tell people. We skipped a lot of baby showers and first b'day parties because it was just too painful. Also, we had to miss things because of the shots/ER/ETs associated with IVF.

Some of the people I told were great about it. But a few said some hurful things and that made me pull back and not tell more people. And we were always vague about when we were finding out IUI/IVF results.

If you don't tell many people, I highly recommend that you join a support group. Mine kept me (somewhat) sane.

[Anonymous]

I've told my two best friends. One has no children (yet) and is not currently trying, and the other one has a toddler. I was going to tell a third friend whom I had talked to (cried to) previously about all of this, that we were planning our first IVF. The day I was going to tell her, she told me she was almost 4 months pregnant!!! I've been since then unable to tell her about our (so far not successful) IVF experience - and I just can't tell anyone else from here on out I think.
I agree with the PP - it puts more pressure on, and for people without this experience it's easy to say all the wrong things... I feel I'm in limbo and can only emerge with a baby or absolutely devastated.

[Anonymous]

Both of our families know, including some extended family. Our immediate family knows most of the details and I have a close friend and a close co-worker/friend with whom I share all the details. DH has told his close friends (not details) and we've both told our bosses, not details but enough to know that we need time off for dr. appointments frequently. There are a few more people, friends and family, so in total it's a lot, over 25 people, who know we're going through this and about 5 people who know details. We waited to tell most people until it had been over a year, but my parents and in-laws knew after we got diagnosed.

We don't run around broadcasting it to people, but almost all of our friends have kids and they've asked us and we've been honest about our situation. We were feeling a lot of pressure from both of our families, but since we've told people, they've stopped hinting/asking us questions, which is a big relief. They've also let us know they're there to support us if need be. No one has asked for details, but some have offered that if we want to share, they'd like to know, but understand if we don't.

Families are all different, so I get why many people don't tell theirs, but what good are friends if you can't confide in them (and by "friends" I'm talking about people whom you regularly confide in and trust with all the other details of your life)?

And please don't interpret this as criticism of people who don't tell, we all know our own comfort levels and everyone has different relationships. In my case, it has worked out well to be open with people we are close to. TTC is stressful and not feeling pressure from family and friends has really lifted some of the stress.

[Anonymous]

I didn't tell anyone once we started TTC, but once we were undergoing treatments we were very open with friends and family. We both tend to be very open in generally so it wasn't a stretch. We were among the first of our friends to start trying, but some had kids while we were still TTC. We figured that if we were open about it, if other people had problems they would know they weren't alone, even if they didn't want to talk to us about it. We were very lucky that some people asked questions about different parts of the process, but no one ever said anything offensive to us. But you really have to figure out what's best for you and your SO.

I did start blogging about the process, and I found that very helpful. It also cut WAY down on the number of phone calls and emails I got. It gave family and friends a way to know what was going on and where I was in the process without having to check up on me. While it's definitely not for everyone, it was a great way to explain to people what you're going through without having to repeat yourself a million times. For example, my DH's grandmother was very interested in how it all was going, but if I had to talk to her every other day during the IVF process I would have lost my mind. Instead one of DH's cousins showed her how to check the blog so she could read about it for herself. (Nothing against DH's grandmother, but I can't understand her on the phone and it would have driven me crazy.) And at the end of a cycle you can call the people you really want to (generally it was just our parents for us) and everyone else can read about it. Very helpful after a failed cycle. You can write that you want to be alone and people for the most part respected that. But this approach is definitely not for everyone. Our blog now is filled with baby pictures of DD and her great grandmother can go there and look at pictures anytime she wants. She doesn't have to wait for us to mail her photos anymore!

I would also second the PP idea of joining a support group. I found it very helpful. Most people in the group I attended weren't telling many people either.

[Anonymous]

I told my sister. That's it. My husband told his best friend. He also told his mother and honestly, I was annoyed that she knew even though she never talked to me about it directly. None of my friends know that we had our son through IUI.

I am generally a very open person. But something about this was just so gut-wrenching, that I just couldn't deal. I just couldn't talk about it with people. It was too hard for me.

Good luck to everyone that is still trying.

[Anonymous]

I told my family (parents, sister, brothers) but not my husband's! family. I also told a close friend who had to go through IVF, and my three best frieds (one of which also had to go through several IVF cycles to conceive).

There is no rule on this... do what you feel is right. Tell the people who might help you somehow, the people you may want to talk to... do not tell the people who will bombard you with questions and/or make you feel pressured or stressed.

If you are not sure, don't tell people until you are sure you want to tell them... that is, tell people as you go... as you feel like it... a day at a time...

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

No. My MIL is a big blabbermouth and my friends could care less how I breed.

[Anonymous]

I told all of our close family and friends that we were doing IVF.To help ease questioning during the cycle, I edited my FB profile to only allow certain people to see my status updates and I kept people informed that way. I'd post when I was going for b/w or u/s and during my ER and ET. It was a less invasive way for me to keep people informed and control the flow of information.

I also blogged (and still do) about the process but I've kept that private from my family and friends.

[Anonymous]

We did two clomid cycles and one IVF cycle. I told my mom, sister, and several close friends about our clomid cycles, even going so far as to disclose the date of our beta on cycle #1 -- HUGE mistake. It added so much pressure and of course compounded the sadness when it wasn't successful.

When we moved on to IVF I told nobody and I don't regret it for a second. Partially I wanted to reduce the pressure. But primarily, I wanted to have something resembling a "normal" life. Obviously the injections, stress, and side effects were draining for me, but when I was with my friends/family, I wanted to pretend I was a normal person for a while. It was definitely the right way to go for me.

[Anonymous]

I've shared with many close friends and I've been overwhelmed with all the support I have received. The vast majority of these friends are done having children. I also maintain a blog to keep people updated.