Keeping Autism hidden from nanny

[Anonymous]

I have no previous experience with children with special needs, but I am extremely patient. I recently found out that the child I've been taking care of for a couples of years was diagnosed with Autism. by his therapist, she kind of assumed I knew, and let it slip. I feel so hurt that the parents wouldn't share that information with me. They saw how stressed I was and just continued to tell me he was just developmentally delayed. I quit because knowledge is power and I feel I could have done a better job had I known. I can't help but feel emotional because I'm gonna miss the kids so much. But I feel disrespected

[Anonymous]

I guess my question is...
have you kept a diagnosis a secret from your nanny?

[Anonymous]

Autism is a spectrum disorder not a disease. Spectrum means there is a range of symptoms and delays that may or may not be present. The label "autism" is not what is meaningful in working with these children but understanding what development delays they have and working with them on these. Many children are high functioning and are not what someone who is not familiar with Asperger's would expect from autism. As it sounds like you take the child to therapy, already have been told that he has developmental delays, and have worked with them for several years it is not as if you were tricked into taking a job with a high needs child.

You sound like a truly horrible person if you decided to up and leave because you felt disrespected that the parents had not shared the child's clinical diagnosis with you. How self centered can you be?? Its one thing to realize that you do not have the energy to work with a child that has developmental delays or special needs and tell the parents that you can not continue. It is quite another to quit because you are pissed off and feel less important because they did not share private medical information with you. I hope karma bites you in the behind and you are unemployed for a long time.

[Anonymous]

I did not read OP's post the same way. She said she was stressed and that being with this child was not easy. The parents were not honest about the child's situation and withheld info that might have helped her cope better - either by educating herself or trying different interactions. I think it was unfair to the child to not get her best because the parents did not want to be upfront. It sounds as if the parents were afraid she would not take the job if they trusted her with the truth.

If I was struggling with my work and my boss did not trust me with important info that might make a difference in how I worked and how I felt about my work, I would be unhappy also. I would not want to work for someone who did not trust me. But I also think there must have been other issues with these parents.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. Given teh important nature of a nanny's job, trust and information is paramount because the nanny cannot do her job without it. My nanny and I don't always agree about everything but I trust her with my children implicitly - otherwise, she wouldn't have the job. Example - my son has been having some bad dreams at night and this is causing him to be cranky during the day. I want my nanny to be able to anticpate the crankiness and know how to deal with it so Ive told her about it. An autism diagnosis is scarier than a few bad dreams but, unless it had no observable affect on teh child's behavior (not likely), I would not have kept that a secret.

[Anonymous]

3:04, I think you're really out of line! You said some really awful things and they're completely unfair.

How could the couple possibly have the child's best interests at heart by withholding valuable information? OP said she was stressed by some aspects of her job. How is it helpful to not educate her about ASDs? There is a lot of easy information which, had it been explained, would have made her and the child so much happier.

OP, I surmise that the parents were afraid that you wouldn't keep the job if you knew. It's too bad though, because if they'd told you and helped you understand ASDs better, I think you and the child would have been better off.

[Anonymous]

IOur nanny has been with us since my daughter was 12 weeks old. She is as invested in finding out what's going on with this child and in doing the numerous excercises and treatments that have been prescribed (and misprescribed) along the way as we are. I might add that along the way this child has been tentatively diagnosed with intrauterine stroke (ruled out), white matter syndrome (ruled out), and hypotonia and CP (still a partial diagnosis). She still has a suspected genetic disorder.

Why in the hell would anyone withhold info from a nanny that loves and is invested in their child, which OP obviously is. This seems like game playing to me. Of course, OP should talk to the parents -- perhaps the therapist was coming out of left field and the parents disagree with this diagnosis and have rejected it for whatever reason, or maybe the therapist was just confused -- that does sometimes happen. I've had therapists suddenly start talking about my daughter's reflux or feeding tube -- and I have to remind them, no, that's not my child, you are mistaken.

[Anonymous]

Agree with all the PPs who think the parents were really wrong to withhold this information for all the reasons stated above. In addition, though, their silence just perpetuates the shame/stigma attached to autism. If the child had celiac disease, would the parents have failed to inform the nanny so she could care for him appropriately?

[Anonymous]

at OP....were they paying you well? Perhaps they knew that it would be too expensive to hire a special needs nanny. IDK, just trying to figure out why they wouldn't tell you. Perhaps they also felt that you wouldn't take the job if they disclosed the diagnosis.

As a parent of an ASD child, I've found it very difficult to find qualified childcare. And there is a reason for that. Autism can be a very difficult work with. That being said, I don't know why they wouldn't ask you about your history with special needs kids before they hired you, unless they were hoping you just wouldn't notice.

Many parents of autistic children are having such a difficult time figuring out how to get through these days. I, for one, spent a year in denial regarding the diagnosis. So don't judge them too harshly for not being as upfront as they probably should have been.

I'm on the fence here...how long were you working for them? How well were they paying you? How happy were you with your job before you found out about the diagnosis? If you knew about the diagnosis, would you have taken the job?

Lots of things come into play here. Perhaps the parents wanted to make sure you were committed to the job before telling you about the diagnosis.

Either way, I wish you the best and I hope the parents can find suitable care for their children.

[Anonymous]

9:59 here again.....to OP....now you DO have experience with autistic children. Your resume has been expanded.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sure it's very frustrating to feel as though the parents left you out of the loop when you played such an important role in their child's life. That said, a therapist cannot "diagnose" anything, and indeed, the child's only "diagnosis" at the time may well be developmental delays. "Developmental delays" is a catch-all term that many institutions, doctors, and organizations (schools, EI, etc) use as stand-in until a child is old enough - or issues are known or understood enough - to "qualify" for other labels. So it may well be that the child has a DIAGNOSIS of developmental delays but others - a therapist, for example - might think in her head that he is GOING TO QUALIFY for a ASD label. You don't say how old the child in question is, but if he is younger than 3 or 4, it may be that no one has stuck a label on him "yet" but may well soon - or it may be that people just aren't sure.

My son's ONLY diagnosis for a long time was developmental delays. Now, at 6, we also have several more. But I remember when he was younger, maybe 2-3, the pediatrician arguing with herself, in front of my son and me (that was the last time we went to her), about whether or not he was "going to end up with" a label on the spectrum. Ultimately, he didn't, but I am sure there were therapists along the way who may have guessed that he was going to.

We were always clear with our childcare providers that our son was and is developmentally delayed. It sounds like your family was the same with you. Did you ever ask them straight out, before you quit, whether their son actually HAD a label? Or are you working all on what a therapist - who again, does not "diagnose" - let "slip" to you?

I know you have already quit, but maybe this will give you food for thought. Yes, parents need to be up front with childcare providers about how best to work with, help, and understand their children. But does this mean sharing that there "may" be labels handed down in the future? I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate all the feedback. This is a really hard time in my life. I have been taking care of the child since he was 5 months old, now he's almost four. There were obvious signs but I am definitely not comfortable making any assumptions. I am not a doctor. I thought we were in it together. I trusted the parents to guide and inform me. Knowledge is power, it would have made my job easier. They may be in denial, thats possible. But they knew I would work with the therapists for more than 2 hours, three times a week. They could have told me about the diagnosis and also let me know that they don't believe its correct. I feel like they think I'm an idiot and would not be capable of figuring it out. Even though I worked closely with the therapists. That really upsets me. As far as pay goes, they only pay me .50 cents more than other families I work for. I should also mention that he has a two year old sibling, which of course means I have to divide my attention. I would have stayed with the family if they would have made me part of the team. And if the opportunity presents itself, I would work with an autistic child in a new york minute. I do my job with love and care. I do believe in karma. In my case I already have offers. When you're a nanny, how you treat the kids speaks for itself. and trust me people notice, and they have noticed good things. I am really proud of my work ethic.


Thanks so much !

[Anonymous]

OP, did you talk to the family about all this, or did you just quit. If you did talk to the family, what did they tell you?

[Anonymous]

I just wanted out. I gave them my 3 weeks notice and let her know I did not know how to cope properly and I was feeling stressed.

[Anonymous]

I think PP is being too hard on the nanny but I think the nanny is being too hard on the family. Its not like they withheld the fact that the child had issues, you were taking him to appointments. I am a huge believer in sharing the diagnosis as hiding it treats it like a source of shame, but I do remember the early days and how hard it was to know if it was a correct diagnosis and with whom to share it. You didn't give them a chance to explain and it seems you are angry at them for something that is very complicated. You should have tried to understand and talk to them

It sounds like this was just a very challenging child to work with and you burnt out. I understand. I have a DS on the autistic spectrum and he was a very challenging 4 year old. But it really isn't fair to blame this on the parents. Frankly, I think you are freaking out about the diagnosis and not seeing that all it is is a name for what you were dealing with all along. Its good you left because it wasn't working for you, but not fair for you to be so angry at them.

And by the way, how did you find out? Did they tell you? So you're angry over timing? Sorry, I'm not sympathetic.